I TOTALLY agree. Foo's W sounds an absolute nightmare and perhaps worried that her kids are going to frighten OM off. OM is her meal ticket at the moment - my feeling from what Foo says is that that is OM's major attraction and his W doesn't want to jeapordise that.
I suspect there are really big survival issues going on with Foo's W. If things hadn't been rocky job wise for Foo I bet this would never have happened like this.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
No, I did not take a photo. I should have done but I did n't.
We did the same when our children were young and they stopped biting but there was no call for it with S11. WAW said that he was being violent towards her??? Elliott is a typical 11 year old boy and is acting up because of the sitch but he is not 6 ft tall or 200 lbs. Just a normal 11 year old.
He winds up the other children and maybe my WAW but violent, I don't think so. She told me that she lost her temper and got angry. From what my son told me, she told S11 to get changed in to different clothes and she was in the way for him to do that. He asked her to move and she said for him to crawl under the dining room table to get around.
I do not know what to believe but she must be stressed. She keeps going on that she has them 24/7 but this is no different from when we were together except I was there after school most of the time and at weekends. She obviously does not have that now. I still see them at the weekend but OM is not the father and he is working or most probably not interested as a father would be.
Her decision to leave not mine.
She is different now and I do not like it or understand it but I will protect those children bugger the consequences as they say in England.
I just wish my wife had not turned in to this person. As you can see from my posts, for some reason, deep down, I still love her and miss her and wish we could work on a new R. She was a good women and mother once.
Does anyone know or believe that the OP's have a big effect on WAS's and the WAS's change based on the OP's character/personality/beliefs?
WAW does not go out much now, she does not drink (as OM does not drink), does not get to use the computer - internet now, has to work, etc. It does not make sense but they seem to want to do this for OM?.
I saw a lawyer Monday for some advice and he said that 80% of affairs end within the first 12 months. I know I am doing all the wrong things with DB but it makes me wonder.
I spoke to my mother earlier this afternoon. MIL had phoned my mother as I had exposed what WAW was doing with S11 to MIL and FIL. Basically the beiotch MIL said that WAW and children would have been out on the street and OM was there with a house and some financial support.
He was divorced, adult children, own house and business. Yes I tried to change professions a year ago and I tried once but failed the interview process with Merrill Lynch as an Investment Consultant. I should have continued looking for a job until I was successful but I thought I would be alright in my career as a loan officer.
I just wished my wife could have knocked some sense into me, maybe by having a serious talk and maybe an ultimatum rather than uping and leaving.
Although I do not have a degree, I am not a stupid man. I have been in the Financial Services Industry in the UK as a Compliance Officer - A Regulation person making sure financial advisers were following the rules and regs of the industry and playing by the book.
I have had mortgage experience and thought that I could make good money in the US by doing mortgages. Well it is much harder than I expected and competition is tough. The mortgage market has been also going through a tough time.
Yes I know my mistakes and I should have changed earlier or not come over to the US in the first place. I am now paying dearly for those mistakes but I can not change the past.
It hurts everyday that I have lost my wife and seeing my children 24/7 over this and if wife, MIL/FIL or anyone else does not think that I don't 'beat myself up' over this then they are crazy or very insensitive.
Foo...whew! I just got finished with your string and I must say my heart goes out to you brother. If no one has told you yet..I am proud of you for how far you have come in your DB and 180. Here is hoping some things will pan out in your job situation so that you can get cracking with a better life. I am in the process of job hunting myself as i will leave the military next year. I am sure you have scoured a lot of websites in your job hunt...try this one...
this seems to be a pretty comprehensive site that compiles all job listings from a bunch of different sites.
Hope all is well...keep your chin up.
mcol Me: 34 Deployed W:32 (EA started Oct 07) S:8 D:3 S:18 mos ILYBNILWY-12/14/07 Request for backdated separation 12/14/07 Top areas to work: 1) Communication 2) Repairing me, focusing on me
Thank you I will try this site. I am trying to DB but it has been extremely hard for me. I am very impatient and back slide so much.
I had a long conversation tonight with WAW about our (my)child support meeting next week and this covo was amicable enough. Lots of other talk mainly R talk (bad, bad, bad back slides) and I wanted to know whether she could n't come back because of her guilt/regret/fear or whether she just did not want to as she was happy where she was.
Well you ask a silly question, you get the answer you don't want to hear right. Don't do it until she reaches out and then be very cautious. Don't do what I do, do as I say. Be stronger and more patient than I am.
We are heading for divorce right now in January/February but are likely to remain friends hopefully.
She likes it when I cut-up and when I look good and misses me sometimes and said she would be jealous if I was with someone (but would not understand why she would be) although she does not have a clue whether this would change anything for her as she has not crossed that bridge yet.
I told her that I am not dating until we are divorced and then it would not be until I was ready, unless it was a F**k Buddy or two. LOL
I have to DB for me, get on with my life and detach more. It is not over until it is over and that includes after divorce. The planets may align just right one day and we get back together.
How are you doing/feeling at the moment? I am sorry you are here. This is a great place for advice and support and there are some great, strong and courageous people here. I think all these people who are trying to save their marriage are very honourable but I wish nobody was here having to fight the good fight.
This site has saved me from going mad. Time helps and it does get easier. However, I won't get over it for years and maybe will only get beyond it not over it. I know that it was hard for my WAW to leave but she has someone else and I am the one left behind. That is hard for me to accept I suppose.
When do you come back to the US and what line of work will or are you trying to get back into?
How is it communicaton wise with your wife? For me it is hard to talk to WAW because of how I feel still but I think that is better for me than no contact from her (because it is like going dark but she is going dark on me).
I have tried going dark and either I did not do it for long enough or she did not care about talking to me or was not missing me enough, I dunno.
Please tell me what you have been doing to DB and let me know if you have been experiencing any baby steps or not.
I wish you all the success in the world and feel for you man! Apart from my Father's death when I was 22 years old, this is the toughest thing that I have had to go through.
I went to the Attorney General's office yesterday to work out Child Support. My wife is claiming food stamps and Temporary Income Assistance. Agreed Child Support and Medicaid costs starting 1st January 2008.
The child support lady asked wife whether there was any pending divorce and wife said she was seeking legal aid for this but not pending. She has already told me this would be in January.
I told her that if this D happened then I would move on and would not be around for her as a friend. This was after she said that she still wanted me in her life. I am sorry but I have taken this sitch so badly, that being friends would continue to hurt me. It would hurt to not be friends but not as much as pain as I have gone through to get where I am right now. Interaction with her messes with my head. I know that I should not let it but it does and she is alright and I am not.
Both wife and I do not have much money for christmas for the children. Got a phone call today from wife asking whether I wanted to go christmas shopping for the children. I said money has not turned up from my mother for me to buy christmas gifts for the children and I am unlikely to get paid before christmas. So told her not worth me going with her.
She said that she had some money and we could pick out gifts together and put our names on the gifts for them. This is a very generous offer as otherwise I may not be able to get anything for them. However, my pride says if I am in this mess regarding money then it is for me to explain the situation to my children and secondly, I find it difficult to accept help from my wife after what she has done to me.
She said "well I just thought you would want to be involved in their christmas". OF COURSE I DO. I wanted them to be in a loving family where the mother and father loved each other and we lived together but she took that away!
I know she does not have a car at the moment and OM is working tomorrow.
I know that this is most probably a stupid question but if anybody has any thoughts, they would be appreciated?
Foo... you can do this man! I know you are hurting, I am too! But damnit, we need to get lives bro! Women want men that stand up for themselves and what we beleive in.
Im not suggesting you are rude or anything like that. Im suggesting you make yourself BELEIVE that you are going to be just fine without her. Im going through this same thing myself.
You WILL do this Foo, take a deep breathe and relax. You WILL survive this and smile again. You WILL meet someone and fall in love (if you make yourself open to that). You WILL feel in love again and loved and cherished.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Im not suggesting you are rude or anything like that. Im suggesting you make yourself BELEIVE that you are going to be just fine without her. Im going through this same thing myself.
So you suggest saying saying something like " thank you very much for the offer but............"
I read your threads and feel very bad for you but you are doing the right thing for your daughter. My WAW is neglecting my S11 school work, not helping him with his homework or study for his 1st semester exams he is taking this week and he is failing his classes. She then grounded him from computer games yesterday for him not studying on his own (she was at work with OM at the time) and S11 and D13 were home alone with S6 and D5. WAW's do not give a sh*t do they.
I would agree with H4C and this is something I need to start doing. After one of my conversations with my W, she asked if I was going to start crying now. I said no I am fine. I need to learn to be strong and not back down. I feel for you foo, and glad I found your thread.
M: 30 W: 29 D: 4 S: 2 M: 7 years Dropped bomb: 11/26/07 My sitch
