The tale of two XH's is that I have two XH's..One XH, really, but two personalities. It's the luck of the draw to which one I will see and how he will react to me, now, the new me.
It has been intersting to me to analyze XH when he is around me. I haven't done this in a long time but lately I have been amused to see how he reacts to me..the new me. I am working, too busy to sweat the small stuff, more organized with the house, cooking more often..Simply, I have gained my go get 'em attitude back. When I do something, I do it "hard" so to speak..no pun intended.
Lately, the past two or three times I have seen him he seems amused. It's almost as if he is seeing me for the first time in a few years; like he knows me but doesn't. Funny, sometimes I feel like the MLCer.
He is much more friendly. He picks up the phone if I have to call him in a milisecond. He calls for no reason. He offers to take the kids on his "non" days with them. He finds every excuse in the book to hang around the house. The other day he left his jeans here. Yesterday I came home from the gym to find S13 and XH playing bball in the driveway. It was like looking at a teenager (my XH, that is) Everytime he tried to make a shot or if he sunk a ball, he would look over at me to see if I saw.
I have to act indifferent to all of this for many reasons. One, I have been round and round with all this b.s. so many times that I know XH's niceness can end like a drop of a hat. (although he has been way more consistant lately) 2 - I don't want to give him the wrong idea plain and simple. I am not interested on getting back together and I don't want to give the kids the wrong idea, either. Now, if XH hadn't gone up and down and up and down with this stuff in the past, maybe I would not have my guard up, but I do. And, I have seen my two kids get their hearts broken because of his erratic behavior. Just when we think he is going to be "nice dad" and be civil to me again, he breaks.
So, I needed to journal all the stuff that has been going on with my split personality XH so here it is.
- he has initiated counseling and we have went two times in the past month
- he wanted to stay for lunch yesterday as he asked me "what I made for lunch" when he and S13 came home to shoot hoops. (I declined to make anyone lunch and took off..btw..his weekend with the kids so if he decides to bring the kids here it is not my job to play short order cook)
- came to my school to get the kids when they didn't have school. I had to bring the kids to my class and XH picked them up from there. It's at a local college so the kids got a kick out of seeing me in my element and met my students. They didn't stay but had the chance to say hi to the kids. XH was speechless when he came to get them. I noticed him peeking in the door window watching and listening to me teach. I gave the class a recess and excused myself and said goodbye to the kids. XH told me that I was the "hot" teacher and didn't know if the guys would be able to concentrate taking my class (whatever..)Makes me uncomfortable typing that but it is new to me that XH is stating how he sees me as pretty again..
- He lingers at pick-ups and drop-offs. Gets out of his car..Tries to strike up converstaions.
- I had to go down to his shop to get my D the other day. New Guy was actaully taking my S golfing so he followed me to get my S as the golf course was minutes from XH's shop (kids slept over XH's the previous night so he brought kids to work where we picked them up) I went into his office and his shop. No, the Rat was not there which was interesting. I have not set foot in his office in THREE YEARS but used to spend so much time there. THere was virtually NO SIGN of XH and the Rat having an R. No pictures, nothing. It was the most aesthetic environment. It was sad, in a way. No pics of kids. No pics of anything but XH's boats.
- XH looked nervous when I was there. He and NEw Guy get along fine as New Guy is friends with XH's employee. We all went to high school together. Yet, I noticed that XH looked almost mad when we were there. He has never, ever seemed jealous of New Guy and seems to pride himself on how accepting he has been of him ("so he tells the kids) But for the first time I noticed XH being threatened that day..weird. If I had anticipated that I would have never let NEw Guy go down there and get S. But it didn't seem to phase XH when plans were made but in the end, XH didn't like us being there, together, at his shop.
So, all this stuff may sound trivial but it isn't. I see Xh feeling a little threatened by my new R for the first time in four years. I mean, Xh used to welcome the opportunity for me to get involved in a new R as it made the Rat feel better I am sure.
Christmas woes are starting to unfold, too. My kids are already asking me if XH can come for X-mas morning and I have no problem with that. It's only about two hours..Kids open up gifts and XH takes them to his family parties. Kids don't have to pick and choose who to be with on xmas morning and we did it last year. WEll, the Rat doesn't like the idea as XH and her fought about it in front of the kids today.
Luckily, New Guy is cool with it as he knows not to feel threatened by XH here. Even if I was not dating New Guy, I don't think XH and I are a healthy match to begin with, and New Guy knows that. Too much damage..too many bad memories..too much dysfunction..I just want my kids to have a good xmzs and not have to stress about what parent to be with for the holidays. It's nice that XH and can agree to put the kids best interest at heart for the holidays but the Rat doesn't like it..oh well.
So, the moral of the story is..Even after the NASTIEST of divorces..MLC to the max..affair with the secretary and told I was never the love of his life, etc..that THEY STILL have feelings of remorse and the MLCers do try to inch their way back.
It's such a shame that so much damage has been done. My XH is more than MLC as he is a classic narcissist. He only wants what he can't have. That is why we are so much better off as friends as I see that now. I won't get hurt again. I can take him for face value and know he is an MLCer who is trying to rebuild his life. I give him credit for trying to patch things up and encourage him to move forward. The sad part it that it will have to be without me.
Am I sad? Sure I am, especially around the holidays and when the kids come home with a Rat story. I hate that they are around the fighting but I realize that I can't change that. I can just make sure that I stay as sane as I can for the sake of their security and try to maintain an R with their dad. In a weird way, I don't mind that XH needs me..I feel as though he needs my approval with things now. That's okay. I think he is trying to let me know that my opinion does matter..like when he takes the kids, etc. But, that is as far as it will go.
Okay, don't know if this made sense but I find it comforting to write. It has been a very confusing few weeks as XH is trying so hard to be the good guy again. However, as the post states, The Tale of Two Xh's will be around for a while as my X's split personality.
I will be guarded with a garlic necklace just in case..
Myturnnow, I really enjoy your posts. It is interesting to see that even an extreme and narcissistic MLCer eventually seems to emerge from the fog!
You are so gracious and unbitter about the sitch. Your posts have made me laugh and sigh as much as anyone's here. Glad you have a new guy, and that these Jekyll overtures are not causing you any concern. While I strongly support marriage, I also recognise that some relationships are too dysfunctional to continue. I think that is the quesiton that we all have to ask ourselves here. Do I want the marraige because it was fundamentally good, and has the potential to be better, or am I clinging on to something that I am probably better without, but am too scared to let go of.
I don't think we can know this in the early days, as we seesaw between pain, hurt, rage and healing, with our MLCer WAS so often doing all they can to sabotage our efforts, but gradually the answer to this question becomes apparent . . . .
when I read your posts I feel like I am reading about my STBX
I love to read about how you are.
I am glad that you are doing good, and I LOVE that X notices the new things about you.
I think sometimes that they thought ,that we would die without them.
New guys just seems so great, and understanding.
Mine has been on the "nice" side now for a while
It is actually getting on my nerves b/c I am used to the mean guy not this guy.
It means nothing I know, he is still going strong with the OW, but it just reminds me that he has 2 personalities and I have to be prepared, like you, to see who will be at the door.
Glad you and the kids are doing great.
Cold here in Jersey already right?
HUGS lovey
Last edited by Lissie; 11/12/0706:41 PM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Thanks for the post! You have such insight to my sitch and I truly appreciate your responding to my thread.
I really am not a bitter person to begin with so it has been easy to remain pretty upbeat. I see myself going forward and XH struggling with remaining in the present.
For two years, I was miserable and did nothing but try to analyze my sitch and why it didn't work. Well, I got sick and tired of trying to figure it all out as it didn't matter, it was was it was. (or is what it is) That is when I decided that it was full steam ahead.
My XH sort of watched on the sidelines when I was done with trying to revamp our R. It was not for me to change as I did the best I could with what I had as far as contributing to my M. And, it wasn't good enough. So, that was that. I put all my energy into school.
I do miss being married and believe it or not, we did have some great years. I realize that I had needs that weren't being met and I believe XH new that. However, XH knew that I would never, ever leave my M and would remain standing. I do remember many times him saying to me that I had settled. He used to say to me that he didn't have the emotional capacity to support a good M. He knew I needed an emotional partner. And, he was right..
In the end, I believe it all was fate. I do like him better now that we are divorced, believe it or not. I guess I can protect myself from being hurt since we are no longer in an M. I also believe I am more accepting of him from all the crap that we have been through. I see him as a survivor. I see myself as a survivor, too.
The seesaw is normal with all the emotional healing we are going through. WE lived with each other for 13 years and now we are to go backwards and act like friends. I think it is harder for him as I was forced to move on and he was the one that was left to deal with the mistakes he CHOSE to make.
Anyway, thanks for thinking of my Angelica..Keep posting..your words of wisdom are very much appreciated!! p.s. How are YOU doing???
W8ing!! I do keep up with you sitch and I apologize for not posting. I am a lurker but do love reading yoru posts. You crack me up and are keep things so grounded..Thanks for reading about my saga..I try to find humor in everything so it makes the pain less bareable!!
Lissie!! My NJ buddy!! - It sho' is getting cold here in the Garden State..brr..I am so glad you stopped by and your warm wishes are so kindly appreciated...I keep posting so people like yourself, can read and say, "yes, that sounds like MY STBX, too!" so you feel less alone and now that yes, you too, will survive..I was a MESS a few years ago and I am happy to say that things are better than EVER now in my life, and I mean that.
Never in a million years would I think I would be teaching at a college level a year after my divorce. My DREAM JOB! So, dreams do come true..
Have to run..heard New Guy open the front door..
Chicken parm in the oven and cozy mealtime conversation waiting to be had..
Hi MTN, Just popping in for a quick visit. You sound good. I'm glad the job is going well for you. And, I love the split personality analogy. Believe me, I totally get that. My EX and I have NO contact. Kids are older so there is no need. The one chance we had to be in the same place at the same time ( summer wedding) he didn't show up. Part of me thinks he's afraid to be breathing the same air as me.(???) I still feel that the final chapter hasn't been written in the Spitfire and Wanker saga. Time will tell. And, yeah, it is sad how things turn out.
Congrats on your new life.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Yeah, it is sad. But, life goes on and it is unfortunate we chose NPD type people in the first place. Overall, I don't regret much except the beginning of the end, if you know what I mean. I would have reacted differently to the split, etc etc. But, we live and learn and I have been compiling so much info on the subject as a matter of a fact. I would love to complile some type of "how to" book on how to deal with this mess. I really would. Geez, I wish I had some type of guide when the big D process started to happen.
Glad to see you have been doing so well.
How was the summer wedding? Was it a family member?
Funny about "wanker" not showing up..His loss, as always.
Well, have to run..Been doing some writing all morning now it's time to get up and get going here..
Mtn - you always make me feel better when you post. I realise how much of our attitude is in our own hands, especially if we don't have small children. I feel my h is the crazy stage [still!!] and there is nothing I can do about it except let him spin. I don't think he was full blown NPD, but tipped over into the fringes of it in MLC. It is a difficult disorder to treat, as typically [as you know] the 'sufferer' denies there is a problem. Mysteriously it is always other people.
I am busy with work, loving living in London. I really like living alone, which surprises me. I can be as eccentric as I wish, and as slobbish as I wish [and can stand]. . . .
My colleague and I looked at what we had to do before close of play Friday [and she is working Saturday too, but not on one of my projects] and realised for 6 person days there was about 9 days work, so we opened a bottle of wine, and had a couple of glasses. My tube journey home is a little hazy. So tomorrow will be a long day.
London is such a wonderful place! It sounds like you have a cool job, too. I would love to know more about it.
I went to London in December 1988 to visit a my boyfriends family. I had a ball.
As for my day, well, C session went great! XH showed up a little late but at least he showed up. He told me he wasn't sure he would make it as he was at a court date for some work situation. It was a session for the kids, anyway, so I told him I could handle it. Well, he showed up anyway and the kids were thrilled. WE all ended up sitting down and speaking to the C for the first time in two years. We ironed out some issues with the holidays and XH and I were definitely on the same page.
Funny, I like him better now that we are divorced. Also, I have seen the respect factor quadruple as far as how he treats me since I finsihed school and got a job. Oh what a little independence can do for the ole respct o' meter..lol
Looks like he is coming for xmas day. Kids talked about how they love it when he comes to video tape them opening presents and I saw XH light up. I mean, absolutely light up. I am realizing that any little positive reinforcement he gets from the kids or myself he eats up. I suppose this is due to the fact that he thought everything he touched in the last three years during MLC went to crap. He thought he had the opposite of the Midas touch, and I guess he did.
Also, he is having some problems with work. He has a patent on a product he sells and one of his former employees is trying to compete with the product. Basically, this guy that used to work for us as an international salesman took the formula, duped it and went after all XH's customers. Pissed me off so much when XH told me this. I know XH may not have been the greatest boss during his MLC but he paid the guy well and let him do his thing. My XH never disrespected him and the only crime XH did was not pay too much attention to what this guy was doing. And, look what happened? The guy went after all of XH's clients (which were mine at the time as I co-owned the business when this all started) and basically trashed Xh's reputation.
I talked to XH today about it and told him he wasn't a quitter. I said to XH to stand tall and keep moving ahead. I said get the best legal advice you can get and do not waiver. XH is thinking about sellling his business now and basically retreating back into his hole. He does this when he feels defeated and says he wants to move away from it all and work from his garage..(he is a builder by nature) So, I told him he was a success and I remember when he had the world at his finger tips and loved to run the business. I said don't let this jerk take that away from you. I said, You are not a quitter! I told him I was proud of him, too.
I thought he was going to fall over..It was like I was the enemy for so long and now I was reminding him of the good he had in him that he may have forgotten about during MLC. I said to him that I would be glad to suppport you during this trial and if this guy needs to see this, so be it.
His employee hated the Rat as they had to work together. So, that caused a lot of animosity as the employee used to call me and gossip about XH and the Rat after we split up. Now I see how this old employee stirred the pot. So, that is that.
It was good to be my XH's ali today and I could see his eyes soften with every word I said during my "Rocky" pep talk. I am strong enough to support him now which is funny. He is a very smart business man and worked his a** off to get this patent and it was ten years in the making. I was part of that blood sweat and tears so I can testify to that.
Well, we will see what happens..It made me irrate to see that XH is not able to fully move on from this MLC due to this fact. Geez, he lost his family, respect of many, many people, and almost his business..But this employee took advantage of that..A whole new aspect to the world of MLC..interesting.
So, the T session went well. I liked that we all sat together in the room so the kids saw a united front. Funny, XH came in a sports coat and khakis so he was dying to impress us all because he was in his courtroom attire. Usually he is in jeans and a t-shirt as he owns a construction business.
Well, off to bed. I had a good day prior to T since I spent much of the day writing. I am submitting a few stories here and there to maganizes in hopes of getting published. Wouldn't that be great?
Hi - my son is a patent lawyer, and he says that the best thing in most countries is if someone infringes your patent, because they have to pay BIG bucks.
But it sucks that someone would do that.
It is extraordinary how long it takes them to move through this process and realise what they have lost. But good you get along with him better - might have something to do with moving through this d*mned MLC process too.
