I am in need of some help fast to try and save my 10 year marriage.
I will start from the beginning. My husband and I have always had a perfect relationship. Very loving etc. Always telling each other we love each other etc etc. We also have thre children together aged 5, 3 and 1.
Then On the 14th July 2007 my husband said to me that he was going out with one of his friends for an indian. Normally he would say do you mind if I go out. I was a bit put out as he had worked late all week and worked on the Saturday to. I wanted a nice night in together. He went off all angry. I sent him a text message in the afternoon to say I was unhappy etc. But no reply. He went out and came back very late and very drunk. A couple of days later we had a heart to heart. However he was not his normal self. He would normally hug me etc. But nothing. Then the next week weeek we went on holiday. The first week of our holiday he never came near me or told me he loved me which was not normal. I asked him about it and he said well you have not come near me or told me either. Then that night I asked him if he still loves me. He said dont know. I was crushed and kept questioning him. We got back off holiday the things were terrible. He would hardly talk to me. We went to see a counsellor. But no joy. He said he did not love me anymore and the spark had gone. I am devastated.
For the next three months we were supposed to be trying to sort things out. However he made no effort. We went away in a hotel a few weekends. One of the weekends though he did not talk to me all weekend. He went away for the weekend on his own to think. Still no joy. He did not know what he wanted. I went away and left him with the children on the 1st October for a week. Before I went he told me he had not given up hope and wanted to try etc etc. I came back and he would still not talk to me. Then the next day he said he wanted to leave and he did just that. That was now 5 weeks ago. He is determined that this is it and we are completely over. I just do not understand what went wrong. He has told me that there is no one else. Why wont he try and work things out? He wont even for our children?
Sorry you're going through this, Amanda. If it's any consolation... this sort of thing seems to happen frequently, on, or through, the 10th year of marriage. Forget the "7 year itch", it seems like 10 is the major number these days.
Definately read one of the books, divorce busting or divorce rescue(?).
One thing that may help, is for you to realise that you are in a major, long term problem area now. Looking for "help fast", is the last thing you need to do. IF you are in "fast" mode, then you may fall into trying to "Fix things quick". More often than not, seems like that makes things worse. ALso, when we are in "fix things quick" mode, it's becuase we build up an expectation in ourselves that it CAN be "Fixed quick". I think this is what hurts ourselves a lot, too. [because failing to meet that expectation, is draining, and depressing]
You may help yourself, by trying to come to peace with accepting that you may have to work on things between you, for many MONTHS, to see any kind of positive resolution in sight. dont forget to breathe, and take care of yourself.
PS: it doesnt matter that he "says there is no-one else". Contrary to what movies may lead you to believe... almost no-one admits there is someone else, when their spouse asks. He may or may not have someone else. Him saying "there's no one else", means nothing, however.
but ANYWAY... If you want more constructive, specific advice... I suggest that you post more specifics about how your marriage, and your relationship, has been for the past few years.
With 3 children, and one just born, a wild off-the-cuff guess could be that it was very child-centric?
Last edited by Dom R; 11/11/0703:59 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
when my H left I was flabergasted and had no earthly idea why, we did have our fights and dissagreements, but never realized he was that unhappy. Later on it dawned on me, as I looked at myself real hard what I had done to my marriage. Yes, with kids we women tend to put our Hs in teh back burner. It was all right with you, how things were, but, perhaps (much like my H) your H internalized everything and one day he just couldnt' take it anymore and left with no explanation.
Keep going to C, sometimes S are constructive and gives both partners a chance to rebuild the M. I think the book "getting back together" deals with such separations. Feelings come and go, it is hard to hear that your H never loved you (btdt) but that isnt' the end.
Stay strong, my prayers your way.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Amanda, I have to echo everyone else's comments here. First stop pushing for answers, reassurance and reconciliation. All that does is drive your husband further away.
One of the difficult first steps is to get ahold of yourself, your emotions, etc. But there are a lot of good books out there Divorce Busting and Remedy are two great ones as is Getting Back Together. I especially like GBT for the chapters on helping identify your values which help you understand yourself a lot better. Here's a link to it, Getting Back Together, available from Amazon UK.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
It just gets worse. I don't know what to do. I have spoken to a divorce busting coach which has helped. However my husband and I are now seeing solicitors re money and the house. I asked him if he was going to ask the solicitor about divorce, he said that he had never even thought about it. I said why not you say you are not coming back. May as well just get on with it. He has stopped paying me any money. I just don't know if to give up. I don't know what to say to him. We had a 25 minutes telephone conversation last night. The first time for a while. Afterwards I just cried my eyes out. I have looked at moving into a rented house to get out. But just don't know what to do for the best.
