That's the tone that I was shooting for in the email. I wanted it to be validating and comforting. Hopefully she reads it that way. After going so long with little to no contact, this really hit me off guard. I want to thank everyone again for their input. The people here are truly a blessing.
B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I just got her response. It seems much more positive than the last ones that I've gotten.
------------ I believe that you are learning and growing. I felt very restrained. So much in fact that I started to act out against you. I want to be myself too. I am on my way. I feel good about today and how things have been going for me lately. I've had some rough times and learned some hard lessons but I feel like things are going to be moving forward. I'm glad you recognize things that were bad about our past. I recognize that I was no way near perfect. I did some things that weren't right either and I am sorry for those things.
I feel like I am doing okay right now. Are you doing anything for Thanksgiving? I'm just going to my parents and that is about it. -----------
I think my response is to just tell her what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. Should I validate some more or tell her that I forgive her for the past? (I do by the way.)
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
May your day be filled with great company and good food. Don't dwell on what is missing in your life right now, but take stock in what you do have. Everyone should make a list of three good things today. Mine are:
1. My mom's cooking. 2. We didn't get the 2 to 4 inches of snow that were predicted for last night. 3. I am healthy and I know that there are people that love me in this world.
What's good in your life? Fill me in...
and remember to smile.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I'm going to start a new thread on that 3 things basis, thanks for the inspiration!
Me:46 Her:40 Daughter:7 She Dropped Bomb:10/7/07 She Filed Papers w/State:10/30/07 I Left Home:11/11/07 I Moved Back In:11/13/07 My Outlook: I want nothing more than a future together and will do whatever it takes. Her Outlook: Been too long coming, I'm done.
So W called me while I was at my parents and asked me to come over because she wanted to talk. I've never been to her place so this seemed like a pretty big deal. We talked quite a bit of R talk most of which was a rehash of the emails from earlier this week.
She also told me that she's sort of been seeing someone. An EA, nothing physical and she said that it happened by accident. She told me that people in the town where she is living started talking about it and she felt that I should know before she heard it from someone else. She said that she feels stupid for it happening. I think that I may have DBed a little too good as she was confused by my calm reaction. She asked me if I even cared. I told her of course I do. My first reaction was to get really mad, but I told myself that it would help anything and that I had to stay calm. She seemed to understand. She then asked me if I was afraid that she would find someone else. I said yes, but that I hoped that she would end things with me first. I then turned the question back on her. She said that she was afraid of it and that she didn't want it to happen. I assured her that it was the farthest thing from my mind.
She then asked me if I thought that things would be too weird if she ever did decide to come back home. My response was that we would have to take things slow. This would be a new relationship and we should give it time to grow. She then told me a couple times that I was her best friend and that she could tell me anything. I have to admit that this was the best thing to hear.
She still wasn't wearing her wedding ring, but when I used her bathroom I noticed that it was laying right next to her other rings on the sink. Maybe I'm just hopeful, but it looked like it was in a spot that you would put things that you are using everyday. It's a pedestal sink, so it's not like there's a lot of room.
I ended up staying for almost two and a half hours. She didn't want me to leave either, but I had to get home to the dogs. While we were talking she invited me over onto the couch with her. She didn't snuggle, but she did move in really close so that we were touching. I tried to be as validating and reasurring as I possibly could. On my way out she gave me some cookies that she had made and gave me a big hug.
She called pretty much right after I got home and thanked me for coming over. We talked about the dogs for a few minutes. She told me how she doesn't like going to bed or waking up alone. Then I told her that I was sorry that I couldn't stay longer. She said that it was probably for the better. When I asked why, she told me that it would have been too tempting to have me stay the night! I didn't know what to say. I think that I said that there were worse things that could happen in life...
So that was my night. I think that it was very positive even with hearing about the OM. It sounds like he's out of the picture or will be very soon. She asked me what to do about it since she's friends with him and she doesn't like to hurt anyones feelings. I said that was for her to decide, but I think you know how I feel about it.
Insight is always appreciated. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I think it was very positive. I see a lot of similarities to our situation and you seem to be on the right track! I give you a lot of credit for keeping your cool during OM talk.
When my W told me she wanted to S and that I wasn't invited to TG, I keep my cool......very tough...but in the end...she was very surprised and somewhat confused by my attitude. I was almost too good, because she started to assume that I was ok with a D, until I reminded her of my bounderies.
Great work...I'm very happy for you.
Cheers,
MN
Me - 40 W - 32 Together 7 yrs Married 5 yrs Bomb #1 07/23/07 Bomb #2 11/18/07 Seperated on 11/21/07 No Children, two dogs, just returned from 2 year deployment to Iraq.
She saw my calm and coolness as not caring. She thought that I looked so happy and at peace with myself now that she was the one who caused my discontent before. I explained to her the best that I could that my happiness comes from within. And while I don't need her to be happy, I definitely want her in my life. It's almost like she wants me to pursue her. I'm considering backing off the DBing a little and starting to call her hopefully leading up to asking her to do something on Dec. 1st. I'm hesitant to do this because DBing has seemed to work so far, but after our last interactions it seemed like she was asking me to be more active in her life.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
She called pretty much right after I got home and thanked me for coming over. We talked about the dogs for a few minutes. She told me how she doesn't like going to bed or waking up alone. Then I told her that I was sorry that I couldn't stay longer. She said that it was probably for the better. When I asked why, she told me that it would have been too tempting to have me stay the night! I didn't know what to say. I think that I said that there were worse things that could happen in life...
Sounds like a very positive evening, but don't feel discouraged if you find she cools down - I would continue to give her the space to do things at her own pace and not make her feel overwhelmed even though she's reaching out to you.
It will be interesting to see how things progress between now and New Year
