Dealing with knowing and not saying anything

[Daz_Con]

I have only posted in the newcomers section, for the full story here is my sitch..
My sitch
My WAW has not admitted anything to me, if I have ever asked about her boss being over all of the time she only says he is just my friend and is helping me. Even after I have found him over there at 10AM on a Sunday. I recently found love letters from him to her. This pretty much seals it if there is an PA, but its slightly possible that he is just chasing her hard, he gave her 30K to help her move out!!. She might have an obligation she fells to hang with him since he helped her so much. She has said to me "he may have somthing in the back of his mind for more" In the cards it was all love stuff, hopeful and waiting to see what the future holds etc.. not friend stuff. I have not said anything to her about it, just moved on allot, have gotten more of a life, lots of friends and the like, and giving her space now, I need to move on more and work on my being healthy emotionally for myself and kids

Also my D12 and S11 found them (cards), and read them, just last Sunday. So it is pretty obvious to everyone except W. Kids want to confront her, I will try to discourage that.

My question is how do I handle knowing and still DBing? I havent called her, only when necessary, when she calls I am very friendly and all, stay in good mood during any contact, have just elected to let it run its course. Last night she called 3 times, I did not answer, called her back this AM. Not typically me, before coming here I would have thrown them in her face and told her it was over. But I want to save my M and family, this is my second marriage, and very important to me not to have my older ones go through a second breakup.

I find my self thinking of it allot though, the lying is what gets me the most, why does she not just admit it? I practice mindful thinking, just does not work much.

[Larrynarry]

Wow... sorry to hear about the sitch. Yeah.. hate to say it, but that's more than likely a PA. Sounds like you are holding up well... I'll let others weigh in on the kids confronting her. What have you told/said to them about it?

The lying is the most difficult part. I don't know.. even confronting her will not solve anything.

Have you read anything on the subject? I just started reading a book "Not Just Friends" might be a good read for you. Basically explains the stages of affairs etc.

I've just started, and it's already hit home for me.

I confronted and did all the wrong stuff. Now I'm stuck with a W with a BF. Not sure how to get out of it.. not sure I want out of it.

Anyway.. this is the best forum to be on. Sorry you have to be.

[northsin]

Sometimes, it is very hard not to say anything about what you know. I find myself biting my tongue a lot. I too have found lots of mushy love letters and cards from OW, and it hurts. I have never confronted him with these, for many reasons, one of which is I do not want to be accused of snooping. A snooping wife is not someone he would want to be with, and I am trying to be the happy independant woman I was when he met me. My H also insists that they are "just friends". I don't believe that for a minute.

Keep DB'ing. However hard it is, and it is hard at first, it gets better. You start to feel better about yourself and accept that it's not your fault. Even if there were problems in the R, your wife CHOSE to have this A. You chose NOT to run to another person. Sometimes it's hard not to throw this in their face, but it will not help matters. My H is still carrying on with his OW and I have had to accept that I cannot break them up. It has to be his decision.

[Daz_Con]

Jar,
Not sure I am interested in knowing what is going on in her head, what stage she is in, just seems like pain for me, I know what she is doing is wrong no matter how you slice it, I find myself detached, buy I still love her, I saw her this AM to drop off S3 winter coat, and I know it wasnt the right thing to do, but I initiated a kiss this morning, she dosent pull away, and they are nice soft kisses, not just pecks, she dosent start them, but no pulling back. I also noticed a slip yesterday AM when she called to speak with S3, I ended the call and told her I had to go, she says "ok, love you guys"!!. Freidan slip I know, but man is she messed up in the head, she has to work out her issues and come back a healthy person. I dont want her like she is. She will have to bring the honesty back to our R if she ever wants to come back, I will not live with that deceiving attitude. I cant stand dishonest people, never have liked them. I am moving on with my life, for me. I can not be a strong person wallowing in this misery. I am still hopeful but have learned that we are powerless of others, I must do for me!!

I have discouraged the kids from speaking to her about it, I told them we cant control what people do, saying something wont help, we have to accept what is happening and move on, I was not sure what to say at first, but after not reacting quickly (48 hour rule) and giving it some time, what does it matter? She has made this choice with the knowledge that she will hurt everyone she is close to with it, she is self centered at the moment, she is in some fog, it will hit her eventually, no matter what she does or what happens with our M. For now I am OK, just not a doormat, my life is on my terms now, not about getting her back, if that happens it will be new, not fixing the old. I have held my head high for my kids, I am a loving loyal person, I dont do things like this, life is too short for that. I have lost too many to death to accept desertion of anyone we have shared so much with in our lives. I will always love her, no matter what, hate is not someplace I choose to go, too dark for me, it does not bring out the best in me.

Northsin,
Thank you sooo much for sharing, I made me feel so much better knowing someone is going through the exact sitch as me. I have to bite my tongue allot too, I cursed her out in my car by myself for a good 20 minutes yesterday, good to get it out, even if no one else can hear me. I do have to accept that it isnt my fault, I have accepted so much of the guilt from our separation, thank you for reminding me of that, I am the better person in this, when the prob hit I did not run, I was here to work through, to learn. I will not show that WAW R type to my children, I am a strong individual, and dont NEED anyone to make me whole, I would like to share my life, but not a requirement for life, just food and shelter, we need love but that can come from friendship, children, pets, lots of places, does not have to be a mate. I have decided that if there is another, unconditional love is necessary, I will not deal with WAW spouse again, she will have to prove herself to be in my life. My kids deserve a good example of R's I refuse to stooping into her sad life to confront her, she will know when she sees me that I still love her, I will not stop showing that, I am always happy, but have stopped answering calls, coming over to bring a coat when she wanted, I did it when I had time the next AM. I am a cool cucumber. I accept too that there is no breaking them up either, she will have to travel that road alone. I hope it does not end in disaster for her, but I feel it will end. it isnt her boss only that is OM, he is the owner of her company, pretty large like 50 employees, and she will have the image of sleeping her way to the top if this gets out, considering she got a new office, promotion, and blackberry etc coincidentally timed with A, and the guilt of accepting 30K in gifts from him. Side point, he is 15 to 20 years older then her, ugly, short, bug eyed, and a goof ball, not just saying that b/c of A, he really is a dork, in a MLC himself I think. I am 36 look like 28 a dynamic ergonomics engineer at nissan with my career growing faster than I can handle, (I am pretty cute too I think) why she would give that up for someone she has no family, no history, or anything else is beyond me. He also has a girlfriend, with her daughter that works at the same place, so a tangled web at best. So leave people to there mess I guess, I am outie!!

[Daz_Con]

So not sure what to do each day.
I have been doing good, not answering her calls, getting out. She says she was mad at me b/c I did not answer when she called me last night. Just showed up at my place this AM to get S3 gloves and hat.
Not sure if its persuing or bad, but i asked her if she would like to hang out with me tonight, she said sure!! So she is coming over for movie night with the family, she suggested it be at my place, so we will see how the night goes. Not sure what i will do if she trys to spend the night, as she has in the past. I think she is feeling that I am moving on a bit with my life, but for some reason I am nervous about tonight. Is it bad for the kids to do nights like this? I am not sure what to do, i want to see her, spend time with her, but not sure if it is in my interest of DBing to let her have time with me.

[Michael Mc C]

It's very important for the kids to see their parents getting along, regardless of the circumstances. That and the reassurance that they are still loved by both of you and are NOT in any way at fault for what has happened.

Let her have the time with you (and the kids) and just be sure that the time that is spent is quality time - at least as much as can be mustered. Don't fake it. Just try to relax and enjoy it.

Make sure you have plenty of real things in your life to keep you busy so that you won't always be readily available when she decides she needs to spend time.

The kids do make it a little more difficult because, as I said, they need some normalcy in their lives.

Try to relax and enjoy the time with your kids and, if possible, with your wife.

[Daz_Con]

Last night went good, I am always pursuing though, its so hard to stop, it got late, she fell asleep on the floor, when she woke up, I asked her if she would like to stay, of course she says no. I should have just played it cool and let her leave after the movie. Show a 180, try harder next time We had a few R talks, just by chance, nothing on pirpose. First was about money, second was about SS11, he feels treated unfairly, that I always favor my D12, this I think is one of the motivators of our S, I listedned to her, I tend to interupt, so working on that, and told her I was working to fix that with him, he is ADHD and was a tough raise, but getting better now, she told me she sees I am working on it. The kids were all over us watching the movie, we put S3 to bed after, she laied down with him, I snuggled up with her, rubbed her back a little, Siad I havent been able to touch you all night, she responded, I know I was trying!!, the kids were just a pain in the butt. Nice sign :o) She initiated a nice goodnight kiss, and went home. Good overall I think.
This AM I called and asked her to go to breakfast with the fam,. she accepted, it went very nice, lots of smiles and laughs. I found out through the kids she has told them that OM is not allowed over anymore!!! Not sure if it is just when the kids are there, but a step in the right direction, happy the kids will not be exposed to him right now, irregardless what she does with her free time. The guy is a slime ball for being involved with a family on the rocks, and glad she has come to her senses with that, I am happy to see the good mom again.

She told me last night she is going through stages, she seems very confused, so my actions are very important now, need to keep my best foot foward when we see each other, I am always whistling, in a good mood when she is around. Nice hollidays may have a positive impact, I am looking foward to them. I will keep up DBing, I will not call her for the rest of the day, or tommorow, I am going to my friends S3 bday party today, strange her not going, I did not invite her either. Giving her space when I can, getting time to become more attractive to her when I can to.

Thanks MCC, I agree with you,. the time is good when it can be had, even if it ends, this time is still that much more I can spend with my fam, even as the strange shell it is. I was feeling the same way, just need to hear it sometimes, it is so hard to judge from the inside what is right and wrong

[Daz_Con]

So she spent the night last night, her choice, not sure why. I know I should have said no, but moment of weakness, was pretty uncomfortable, we were supposed to be watching a movie together, and she fell asleep on the couch. She takes her duffle bag in the bathroom in the morning, so she dosent have to dress in front of me. Dosent attempt contact when laying in the same bed with me. That rejection is something I should prob not expose myself to. Most uncomfortable thing her being there, I was doing good pulling away, giving her space, but then she suggests doing things together, and I accept. Figured it was a good test run for spending 4 nights together at IL house up north for thanksgiving. She comes to bed in sweats, which is not normal. Should be weird playing family for that long. Any advice on how to act during that time?

[Daz_Con]

I seem to have lost everyone?

[soul_mate]

I don't have much of an answer for you, but I have the same issue I am taking a thanksgiving family trip with W and kids. My plan is to be friendly have fun with the kids and try not to think about R stuff. As far as the other stuff like not getting dressed in front of you or not touching you who knows what to think. My W will freely get naked, shower and everything right in front of me as will I, but she will not lay in the bed with me or touch me.

Again for you trip my advice would be to act as if, be upbeat, be the person your W will miss not having around.