My husband had previously been heartbroken by our separation. Then he went back to Greece, reconnected with an old girlfriend, and made a 180. Now he does not want to work things out.
When I initially confronted him he admitted to nothing. As part of the DB plan I decided not to bring it up again. But it is killing me inside. Everyday he seems to be getting deeper and deeper into this relationship. I am 100% sure that he will have an affair when he goes back this Christmas without me. He has already gotten a hotel, invited her and expressed that he can't wait to sleep with her.
I can't confront him or her and I am working very hard at my 180. I am struggling with not pushing affection on him. For the past few weeks I have not. However I don't know how to bring back "the spark" with all this space I am supposed to give him. Anyone successfully brought back "the spark". I am sure many have been in this situation.
Hopeless
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I am sorry you are here. I am not an expert but as someone new here as well I had some thoughts.
Did you address what were the problems that separated you in the first place? What were the effects of counseling?
From your threads I get the sense that when you moved back in August you'd be piecing. If you were piecing you'd probably had to work on the affection you feel for each other, not withdrawal it, unless one of you was not really piecing. You said you moved and he said it was too late, he did not love you anymore, so how come he was OK with you moving? Was he accepting it by revenge or something?
It seem you have been working hard on DB. But from what I read I think that you have to work on communication. The people here recommended 3 great books that helped me a lot and I think they could be helpful to you: Not Just Friends, Break Free From the Affair and The 5 love languages.
Don't panic, piecing takes time and it's hard, this I can say from my current learning curve, but the good news is you have 2 months to turn things around.
Did you address what were the problems that separated you in the first place? What were the effects of counseling?
We addressed them in counseling. In hindsight the counseling destroyed our marriage. She allowed us to play the blame game and validated our anger towards the other. We kept talking about our problems instead of finding solutions. I am now seeing a Christian counselor who I believe will fight for the marriage, but he hasn't gotten on board yet.
Originally Posted By: hurtandlost
You said you moved and he said it was too late, he did not love you anymore, so how come he was OK with you moving? Was he accepting it by revenge or something?
I think that he is angry and emotionally exhausted. All the feelings he has expressed to me are the same feelings I expressed to him when I moved out but with time I realized my contribution to the problems and that divorce is not something to take lightly because it doesn't solve anything. Your problems will follow you. I just hope that he realizes this soon.
Originally Posted By: hurtandlost
It seem you have been working hard on DB. But from what I read I think that you have to work on communication. The people here recommended 3 great books that helped me a lot and I think they could be helpful to you: Not Just Friends, Break Free From the Affair and The 5 love languages.
Right now he treats me as if I am invisible and any attempt to communicate brings us right back to him wanting a divorce. He seems blinded by this OW.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Didn't he gave you a deadline (what I am sorry, it's kind of weird)and it's not done yet? May be you can find a manner, not a chaseful one to bring him to your new counselor. Let him know you was not comfortable with the other one because you believe that you can find solutions and you want to stop the blaming game.
I think it would be also helpful to share how you felt "I think that he is angry and emotionally exhausted. All the feelings he has expressed to me are the same feelings I expressed to him when I moved out but with time I realized my contribution to the problems and that divorce is not something to take lightly because it doesn't solve anything."
But try not to sound desperate. Read through the posts here as there are great examples on this forum, of how you could carry this conversation. They were really helpful to me.
Finding the right balance in applying the DB rules are something I struggle with constantly. I want to share my feelings and I have before but they seem to do no good. I think my problem was like you said, sounding desperate. Thanks for the advice and support.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
