I've posted my story on other threads, but I'll do a quick update and request some advice.
We've been separated five months with little contact. She wanted space, and I've given it to her quite well. I'm also doing quite well with GAL--she knows I'm doing several things and am happy as can be with my new church (which she wanted to attend but hasn't since I got there first). Meanwhile, I think she's been spending a lot of time alone. Don't know that for sure, however. After watching her spend money like crazy for five months, I told her last week I wanted to separate our finances. She graciously agreed--no fight there, thankfully. When we agreed to do so, she suddenly asked what my long range plan was--I replied I wanted to fight for her and our marriage because I love her.
Last week she invited me to the house for Halloween candy. It was a fun, flirty conversation. She said she missed me. I replied I missed her.
She hinted at the possibility of dinner this week, but it's been a week and no invitation. I'm not surprised.
She seemed to cycle down over the weekend--she was supposed to be with parents for two days, but cut the trip short. She briefly emailed that her trip was weird and sad--it was back to the town where we met. I also suspect part of her MLC is dealing with issues from childhood, so parents may not be high on her list of desired activities now. Parents also never liked me, so if she's conflicted about our future, which I think she is given that she's not filed or even talked of D, they may also be source of stress. I suspect they are wondering why she hasn't dumped me yet. Again, I don't know that but I suspect it.
Then, later that day she called me and asked if I wanted to meet her Saturday for shopping. I could "use" her charge card to take advantage of some great sales for charge customers and then pay her back. I agreed to meet her, but given her ups and downs it wouldn't surprise me if she backed out. Nothing surprises me any longer thanks to reading these boards and a bunch of literature.
I've been doing pretty well at GAL and detaching. I'm very active; have met new people, traveled, etc. I'm hardly sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I miss her and still want to try to make this work, which is why I haven't left yet. She has not mentioned divorce, but won't really talk about working together either.
Here is my question. She has felt that I didn't love her enough, and I'll admit in spades that there is much I could have done better to meet her needs. So, if we shop on Saturday, should I invite her to coffee afterwards? I'm torn. On the one hand, she seems to be initiating contact more as she sees me moving on with my life. That part is in keeping with what many others on this board report--spouses do seem to come back, if they are going to, when we act happy and as if we are all right without them. So, that would point to shopping for some stuff for my apartment and then leaving happy and excited about decorating, which I truly am. I am cultivating my feminine side and I'm enjoying it.
On the other hand, there's a part of me that feels she wants to be pursued a bit, that she wants to talk but needs to invent reasons for contact. The invitation might help her feel that I do indeed love her and want her in my life. However, I only want her if she changes too. I can't talk to her about what I need from her now, as I feel that will only make her defensive. Still, another casual conversation like what we had Halloween might be good for us--a baby step.
So, invite her to coffee or not?
Thanks to anyone who wants to weigh in on this. In the meantime, I'm still getting a life and finding joy and happiness on my own. She's still too unstable for now to rely on her for much at all. It's a long walk indeed. As we all know too well, this roller coaster goes up and then jerks us down hard rather suddenly. Make it a good day.
I assume if you are going shopping, there would be time for some sort of meal. Play it by ear.
Quote:
However, I only want her if she changes too. I can't talk to her about what I need from her now, as I feel that will only make her defensive.
I wouldn't worry about this. Just go and have a good time. Remember the Cindi Lauper song - Girls Just Want To Have Fun. No expectation. Just go. Have fun. Develop a silly approach. Women love shopping with me because I make them laugh. Don't think. Turn off the brain. It will only screw you up.
