well I'm sure everybody has felt the way I do right now: "Do I belong here, are we piecing, how long does this take, what will the outcome be, where will "we" end up, where will "I" end up...and for that matter where the hell am I now?
Short version: spouse began affair 18months ago. In the beginning she was leaving and everything would be fine...ILYBNILWY...all the standard things. When it got right down to it she couldn't bring herself to leave DD (now 8) so she moved into another bedroom and played house. I was always clear that I wanted to save things and work at a real relationship. I wasn't going anywhere.
Affair continued on/off/on/off too many times to count. Finally in Oct spouse took a week out of the house to "clear" her head. She decided she wanted our marriage and family. We sat down and talked about it and she says she is now ready to work on her "stuff" (there IS some, bad childhood) and she is CHOOSING me and our family even though she loves OW. (I don't find that offensive as I believe we love that toward which we act loving and she is capable of recovering her feelings for me)
WHEW! Now what? Spouse thinks she and OW can still be "friends" (ha, delusional IMHO) She has told OW her choices and that the affair is over. Spouse has occasional contact with OW and our children go to school together so I too get to see her on occasion! (rah! nothin' more fun than that!)
Overall things at home are quiet and ok. I know spouse is in "mourning" and we have discussed it briefly. I am wondering if it's time to go to couples counseling...opinion? How did you bring the topic up? Somebody talk to me about what I might expect. Up to now almost everything has been textbook!!!
anything you can contribute would be welcomed!!! I was especially glad to see some of the folks I've read over the last year have arrived here in piecing before me...kind of like going to heaven. But I don't think I'm dead yet...
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
You sound like you're not afraid of the challenge.
I don't have much experience with couples counseling, as that requires participation from, ahem, both parties...but I think it's good that she's ready to work on her 'stuff', as you said.
Quiet and OK are good things to have at home. Keep on taking care of you.
Stubborn - Great to have a new face over here as well. But I have been trying to Piece my way back for nearly six years now and it remains as elusive as when I started.
I hope that the path for you is shorter and less bumpy than mine...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Stub, they ALL think they can remain friends with OP. In the time I've been on this BB I've heard it over and over again. I think there is a belief that if they remain friends then the whole thing wasn't a sordid, inappropriate, guilt invoking AFFAIR. So don't focus on this "I want to be friends" crap, work on DBing. If you go to counselling together try and find a Solution Focused/Oriented counsellor. You don't want to spend endless hours dwelling on all the stuff that went wrong, you want to focus your energies on the things that are going right and how to make that grow. That is solution focused. Often when people get into the transgressions, hurts etc of the past for too long it bogs things down and creates a hopeless feeling which really doesn't help build a R, does it? Anyway, that's my 2 cents on the subject. Keep on piecing, baby!
gee and I thought it was because who WOULDN'T want to be friends with someone who had not regard for previously established relationships and families...something about those who will lie for you will lie TO you...I guess I just have too much common sense for my own good.
Big news: She was never your FRIEND!!! A friend wouldn't help you do something STUPID!!!!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
ditto what whatisis. Yes, it is time to go to C and very soon. Just look one up and tell her that it would be good if you both have a mediator and someone to let you guys have an open discussion.
Piecing is hard business and there will be many ups and down, one step forward and two steps back. Welcome))))))))))))
A good piecing book that you guys could read is "healing the hurt of your marriage"
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey Stub, I thought you were the most stable woman in my life? Where the heck are ya? First my parking spot disappears and then you! Give us an update when you have a chance, OK?
