Jak, Matilda, and HB, Thanks everyone for the hugs.
I think what this is teaching me is that I need to continue to work on detachment, and to set some goals for improving assertiveness skills. I'm good at patience and being supportive, but dealing with conflict in an assertive manner needs improvement. Otherwise, resentment is going to build, and I'm not going to want to be around her and certainly not get close to her. These are the patterns I need to change in the M.
My "Coping with Difficult People" book advises to listen and validate and to break their complaining pattern by proposing solutions. It advises to never apologize (unless I did something wrong), and to point out the contributions I have made. The trick is to avoid the quicksand of incessant negativity that Complainers try to draw you into.
The next book I'm pulling off my bookshelf is "Your Perfect Right" by Robert Alberti. I need a crash course on assertiveness, and some practical ideas to practice. I can see myself backsliding into some old patterns that aren't helpful to myself or the M.
I slept in the guestroom last night to get myself centered and avoid further conflict. I'll return to the main bedroom tonight.
I left my W a message to ask how her day's going. She was irritable last night.
I'm planning on dancing tonight with or without my W. She is welcome to go.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I read an email rant that my W sent to me yesterday afternoon. I think her concern is that she wants to make sure I contribute my share to household chores, to her standards, so that we don't have to hire a housecleaner. If a housecleaner is needed, she wants me to obtain a higher paying job, or a PT job to fund it.
The odd things is that I did meet her expectations in regards to time spent on household chores last week, which she praised. Has she forgotten already? Maybe it's a trust issue, in that she doesn't think I'm willing to contribute my fair share. Perhaps consistency will help.
I'm reluctant to obtain a PT job, as I'm already helping her with her cooking job on Sunday. Buying food and assisting took 6-8 hours. I think a reasonable limit is that I have one full day without job responsibilities. I consider assisting her a job responsibility. I also don't want to work a full day and a PT job at night. I think it's important to maintain a balance of work and recreation.
I do think it's reasonable to expect me to help with the household chores, and I will follow what's on the list she prepared. I think I'll ignore her request to obtain a PT job for now.
I ordered a book from the library titled, "The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run than Fight" by Timothy Ursiny. I think improving assertiveness skills is what's going to be needed to manage my W's tantrums.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Happy dancing! Happy writing! Happy reading! Those "happys" hopefully will keep you sane while the insanity goes on around you. It seems to me that your wife is demanding and ungrateful for all that you do. You should volunteer for one of those wife swap tv shows and she could see how good she has it!
Jak and Matilda, What's interesting is that even with the turbulence I feel like I'm getting stronger. I went dancing by myself on Wednesday night, while my W slept elsewhere. Again, she left a note, and also a phone message stating that she would be out for the evening. It's interesting in that she seems to expect our R to resume connection the next day, as if nothing happened.
The book, "Coping With Difficult People" by Robert Bramson talked about Complainers coming from a place of powerlessness, perfectionism, and blaming. I realize that I can't fix this for my W, and will have to practice assertiveness with her as needed. I need the practice, as it's not my strength.
We had our dance lesson last night, and it provided a chance for us to reconnect. We stopped for dinner afterwards. She's calling me her favorite dancer at this time. I think she'll get more out of it at the next level. Hopefully, the teacher will promote her at the end of the session.
I have large garbage bags throughout the house and am filling them up with old clothes and papers from the guest room and basement. I can use this as evidence that I'm working on the clutter problem in the house.
I agree with her that we should have an income that provides the quality-of-life we want, versus a mostly bill-paying, house-rich, cash poor one. We will make that income this year, thanks to the PT cooking job. We would only need to make 10K more per year, between the two of us (not counting the PT job). This is a solvable problem.
I will job-hunt to see what opportunities exist for me in my field. I've been at my current job for 11 years, so a change may be a positive thing.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 11/16/0707:34 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I have large garbage bags throughout the house and am filling them up with old clothes and papers from the guest room and basement. I can use this as evidence that I'm working on the clutter problem in the house.
Terrific idea!!! I am busy decluttering since we have company coming on Sunday.
I have switched from decluttering to stashing...guests are arriving soon. Hope the rest of the weekend was relatively turbulent free! My wish for you is that your wife will show her gratitude for your hard work and patience. Happy early Thanksgiving. What are your traditions for the holiday?
Both my H and I are conflict avoidant. We'll do almost anything to avoid a fight. I found the book "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" very helpful. I also like Tammy Lenski's website (you can just google "Tammy Lenski" to find it). Perhaps one of these will be helpful in your goal to be more assertive.
- Treading
Me 41 H 42 M 11 years no children Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you." Separated: 12/2006 H moved back: 6/2007
