These feelings just won't go away..

[JohnyRotten]

Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while, I thought I was doing pretty well, but for some reason it has all come back and hit me hard again.

My wife and I separated about 6-8 months ago, and we both finaly moved into separate houses about 2 months ago. She does have another man, but says that is not the reason we split. He was just in the wrong / right place at the wrong / right time!

I was concentrating on trying to get my life back on track, but over the last weekend BANG the whole situation hit me right between the eyes again. I feel just as low as I did when all of this kicked off.

There are two young kids involved ( 3 and 5 ) and whilst I get to see them probably more than most dad's (every wednesday night and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights) I still feel like I am missing out on the there lives.

She said she is happy with her new life, that he makes her feel good about herself, that she doesn't have "those" feelings for me anymore and cannot see a way to get them back.

I don't know what I am going to do. I know that life should go on, I just don't feel like participating at the moment! I know she didn't do any of this with the intention of hurting me, but It really does hurt so much! I really would take her back, and I know it would be really tough but she is just not interested, she doesn't see that it could work, "things have gone too far".

Any words of encouragement about now would be gratefully receieved!

Thanks

JR

[Dr LOve]

Hey Johny,

No advise but just wanted you to know I hear what y0u are saying.

Hold on big guy. stay tough for your Kids.

Husband

[Michael Mc C]

JR, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I imagine we're all going to be feeling more and more like this as the holidays approach. I know that I have been struggling a bit thinking about how things will eventually be (W still in the house but she plans to move out sometime after the first of the year).

At this point I suggest that you return to focusing on yourself as best you can (you and the kids). The idea being, of course, that regardless of how things turn out, you will be confident in yourself and you can move on if needed. Easier said than done, I know.

[RedHeadWife]

As hard as it is, you need to just focus on making a good life for you and your children. I'm 'assuming' you've read Divorce Remedy? If not, get it today.

If you follow the DB guidelines, you will always end up in a better place and that is whether it's w/ your W or not. You will work on YOU and making yourself a happier & better person all around and obviously the hope is that she will see this and decide to work on your M. However, if she does not, you will be better for you and be ready for whatever happens.

I know that doesn't necessarily help make you feel any better, but encouragement to LOVE YOURSELF is what it's all about.

[LL44]

Good morning.

SO sorry about your situation. Mostly sorry that your kids (I have 2 girls the same age) are missing out on everyday life with Daddy, that breaks my heart.

Its normal to pop back into a stage of 'grief' now and then, especially if something triggers it. You'll be back to feeling 'ok' soon enough. I hope something changes for you soon. Does your W mention filing or doing anything official?

PS: When H mentions that OW has nothing to do with our problems, I always want to shout "Well, it sure didn't help matters, did it????"

[JohnyRotten]

hey thanks people.

Sometimes it just helps to know someone else is out there expriencing the same issues.

The wife has mentioned a divorce before, I asked her to wait until we were in separate houses, she hasn't mentioned it since. However I am now expecting it fairly soon.

She said to me that she thought I would have found someone else by now and moved on. I replied that I had made her a promise on our wedding day and that I would not even look for anybody else until we were divorced.

With hindsight perhaps a little silly to say, but never the less it is how I feel. Plus I just couldn't face starting anything else with anybody,not to mention it wouldn't be right whilst I still have such hangups on the estranged wife.

I think alcohol may have had something to do with my downfall this time. I had a few friends over for a poker night, and I got very very drunk. I think that is were the blues started. I have decided to give it a miss for a while.

I have read DR, and I started to put things into action,however since I moved house I have let it slip. I used to go kickboxing and archery. I think I need to start it all up again.

I've come to realise though that I think I am doing these things to try and impress her more than trying to get myself a life. Don't quite know how I am going to solve that one yet, but at least I have recognised it now!

Thanks again people

JR

[JohnyRotten]

Another question for you..

I am starting to pull myself back out of the hole I found myself in over the last couple of days.

She has been ringing me to make sure I am OK. But nothing she says ever makes me feel any better. "I'm happy with my life now", "I don't have those feelings for you anymore", "I know how I feel about him", "He makes me feel good about myself" etc etc.

This relationship has been going on for about 8 months I think and there was one point where there were some cracks, and she started asking me about wether it was too late for us.

However the cracks have been plastered over and that has all been dropped again.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing anymore. I feel a bit silly really, I feel as though I have almost given her a trial run with this bloke, allowing her to experience the grass but without the risk that I won't be there for her if things go wrong.

Part of me feels that I should just say once and for all "Do you want him or me? If it's him file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery and get it out of the way"

I just hate the thought of letting us go. I don't want a divorce, I want to see if things can work themselves out, I just don't know if I am being too much of a doormat about the whole thing. To be honnest I think it is too late anyway. I think she has already made her choice. She says things have "gone too far" that I could never trust her again and she would always be worried about me just feeling to is too much like hard work and giving up.

What do people think? Should I start proceedings or just leave it for a while. I guess we have only been living apart for 2 months so that is fairly new and exciting for her.

Oh why can't people just keep the promises they make to each other! Things would be a whole lot simpler if they did!

JR

[Dr LOve]

What do people think? Should I start proceedings or just leave it for a while. I guess we have only been living apart for 2 months so that is fairly new and exciting for her.

JR

Why would you want to know what I think? I am not the one living your life. If you want to hold out a little longer do it.
You can always anytime file for divorce. what is the hurry? If you can not go on anylonger living like this file. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL KNOW WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.


Husband

[LuckyMe!]

I read this posted on another forum here. I know it comforted me. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is exactly that. Do for yourself.



And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.