I've read these boards for months now debating if posting my story would be beneficial (for others and me). I've been in so much pain lately that I can't help but think this will help. There are so many kind and knowledgeable people; I'm hoping some will have encouraging words for me.
My story: My W and I met April 1992. We dated for four and half years and married December 1996. Our first son was born Dec 1998 and our second Dec 2000. We moved a lot because of my job. April of 2005 we moved for what was supposed to be the last time, to settle down, near family, in a small town in the Northwest and raise our family. We decided to build a house. We lived in my parent's basement during the construction. My W got along great with my parents, but I now realize even if you get along great a W still needs her space. I thought we had the perfect marriage. We had so much in common, never fought, and had lots of fun together. Many of our friends and family complimented us on how great we were together. Half way through the home building experience, and 15 years into our R, my W announced that she no longer wanted to be married to me. Through many talks the fundamental reason is she doesn't have passion for me any more. She has felt for some time that making love felt more like an obligation than a desire. We continued to live in my parent's basement and completed the house despite the awkward situation. April 2007 we moved in and I had so much hope things would turn around. They didn't, so in August my W signed a one year lease on an apartment and moved out. I was lonely while she was in the house with me, but when she moved out the loneliness got worse. We split the boys 50/50 and the weeks she has them are the worst. I read Divorce Busting many months ago and have tried so hard to apply the last resort technique. It's comforting to read that others often struggle with what one would think was a simple task (until feelings enter into the picture). I hoped and prayed every day and night that things would turn around. This week my W sent me a letter explaining she had no feelings left for me, I should move on and start dating others, our life together was over. She was happy with her new life. She was sorry for hurting me, but she has to explore a life she thinks she will be happy with. I imagine others are in as much disbelief when they find themselves in this situation as I am, but it is still hard for be to believe this is my (our) life. A year ago we were excited about our new house, settling down and raising the boys, and enjoying being close to family. Now we are on the doorsteps of divorce, my W would like to move to LA, and my life is no fun. I feel so lousy most days I have trouble sleeping and focusing on work. I love my wife dearly and so want a fulfilling marriage with her. I wonder often about the following:
Have other marriages been so far down and recovered? My W telling me to start dating others doesn't appear in any of the threads I've read.
Have others found a way to mentally deal with being told by your W she doesn't have any passion for you and hasn't for a long time, that even a hug is uncomfortable and she'll never be able to return my feelings. She told me, "Why would I want to put up with someone who doesn't love me back the way I love them?"
My W has not changed her mind one bit since she announced her intentions a year ago. It's taken her a while to get here, but when I look back her progress has been steady. Unlike so many other threads where the departing spouse occasionally regresses, mine has not. Shortly after she told me her feelings had changed we stopped all love making. We continued to share a bed until about a month before she moved out, but she has progressively distanced herself. Is there any hope when someone seems so determined?
GAL, sounds easy when you read it, but not so easy to implement. I do things, but my wife is constantly on my mind.
You are telling my story almost exactly. Also had a few stressors which caused some, I guess, evaluation on xw's part. Long story short, not only did she have no passion for me, she claims she never did (three kids later). Unfortunately, I am now D and living 2 miles from her, we share the kids 50-50 and we are both suffering. She even asked me to come over and hook up (after destroying our life). I declined.
That said, there are some who have made it. But it sounds like, barring some miracle, you might want to start planning your new life without her. Yep, she is on your mind all the time, but reality slowly creeps in, and you have to begin to fend for yourself.
I now have a beautiful house right near the lake, lots of friends, fulfilling job, and a giant gaping hole in the bed next to me. I'm not near healthy enough yet to start dating, so am just coasting along, waiting to heal. Only you can decide what to do, but at some point you have to move ahead. My plan was to move ahead, make a great life for myself, and then find someone who WANTS to be there with me. I already have one who has voted with her feet (and $50k in atty fees).
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
fish & Dom R In the beginning my wife attended a few sessions of couples therapy with me, but only to explain to me why she wasn't willing to work on the R. I was so sure once she got there she would change her mind. I just couldn't fathom how we could go from happily in love with two boys one day, to "I don't love you and I won't do a thing to change that". I've thought long and hard about what I missed and sure there are some things I wish I could do over that I take blaim for. I think they would make a differnce if she would let me show her a change. She on the other hand has said none of those things are the problem, she just fell out of love and the passion isn't there anymore - she has had to force things for a long time. My W has always been, and for the most part still is, a very caring, quality, and loving person. But she was also determined to not engage in solving any problem, she said she was done long before she got the courage to tell me. I tried to get her to attend other events I thought would be helpful. I booked a weekend at the Gottman Institute in Seattle, but she backed out saying she didn't have the energy to put into it. I also asked many times for her to attend Retrouvaille, but she wouldn't because she didn't want to work on the relationship. In short Dom R, I didn't get a chance to try much because my W wasn't willing to do anything. I changed myself a lot. I was and still am very critical of myself. I become more loving, caring, and much more patient with my W. She commented months into this, that she saw how hard I was trying to change but that it wasn't changing how she felt about me.
Built4Speed Reality is hard, but I keep looking for any small sign of hope. If it's there I can't find it. I suspect but don't want to admit you are right. I have to run to work, but I want to read your threads. By "hook up" you mean for one night of intimacy? It would be damn near impossible for me to turn my wife down with the way I feel, but I know two things. It would be an emotional disaster for me, and my wife would never put me (or herself) in that position. Her emotions don't seem to be on any roller coaster like a lot of the threads I've read. She is very steady and true on her direction.
Built4speed I had a chance this weekend to read your entire thread. It left me wondering if the craziness you experienced made the situation easier or harder? In my situation, my W has done nothing crazy. There is nothing to get mad about, except she doesn't want to be married anymore. It makes it (at least for me) difficult to detach. I've thought to myself, what I would look for in a new spouse. I can't think of anything I'd change about my wife except her lack of desire to work on our marriage and keep our family together.
