Hi all, It's been a few days. My H is back, well sort of. He left today to go back to CA to get the rest of his stuff and to finish some work he started at his parents house. I have so much anxiety about his leaving that my stomach hurts. He called right after he left because he dropped the sim card to his phone some where and asked if I would look for it. I did but can't find it. While in our master closet I looked where he had put some "stuff", he knew I knew it was there too. He took it with him. I don't understand why he can't just tell me what he's doing. It may be innocent but he still isn't talking to me about it. We had agreed to open passwords on our email accounts but he still hasn't given me his. I know he's afraid that I will be snooping but I feel like if I can then I won't need to. If that makes sense. We had a good week. A couple of times things got a little tense but we talked it out and I felt like things were better. I'm controlling my temper and my feelings regarding the disclosures that made about the OW. I think I've done well but it's really difficult. Anyway, I'm really stressed about whether he will return. Right now there just isn't any trust between us.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
You are doing great. It takes time to regain trust. don't worry about him comming back or not. you have no control over him. Just plan on it and see what happens.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I do think my H has made a real effort to repair damage. He dropped his email account that he had for over 15 years, changed our cell phone numbers and canceled his online game character so that there wouldn't be contact. He had to change mine too because not an hour after he called to tell the OW she started sending pics to my cell phone and a really nasty wave to my email account. My email address that every one here has will be canceled in a month. He doens't want me getting any more "surprises" from her. He was very upset that she sunk to forwarding me stuff from their R. I know he has done what he can but I still feel like he is hiding things and I really hate it. I'm trying to be open and I would like our R to be open and honest. I'm starting to wonder if it ever will be.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
Husband, thanks, I don't feel like I'm doing great. lol. I feel pathetically needy. If we are starting over why won't he just tell me everything. He knows how important that honestly is right now.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
I can relate to you. Now that I am working on the M I have these pitfalls too. It also took a couple of conversations for him to spill out the details I needed. He told me then that he needed to feel I wouldn't use them against him. I had to verbalize it and I said it was better for me to know than to wildly fantasize. So I was giving him the opportunity to tell his side of the story. My side should be worst.
It helps me when I remember myself I forgave him and since I am in a process of healing I can afford to take time and let him try to fix it. Well, we can always count on guys genetics needs of fixing things.
You ARE doing great. Trust your gut feeling about the reasons you are working on your marriage. In the end we are always learning here from each other that it is possible.
There is such a thing as too much honesty. You know a lot, and it is bad enough. You don't need to know more. You need to move in the direction of forgiving each other for the ways that you hurt each other, and you both need to work on being trustworthy not to hurt the other again. What he did to you is bad. But don't overlook the things that you did to him. If you are blind to your own faults you will repeat them. And then he will repeat his.
Sara, guess you are right, too much information can be poisoning as well. We need to know when to stop asking for details and I assume it's that time when you are comfortable about not snooping around anymore. In addition you reminded me that our mistakes need reflection from ourselves and forgiveness too. It's a good action to work on and a good thought to help through pitfalls.
I will hijack (hope you don't mind LMH) your advice.
Hi Ladies, Yes, I do know enough. What's bothering me is that I know he has another aol account that he's not telling me about. I've asked if he has other accounts and he told me no. But I saw his bank statement that shows the withdrawals. Btw, he asked me if I was canceling my email account that is just mine. I said I would. I feel that he should do the same. Additionally, today when he left he took some lingerie that he had bought without telling me about and hid in our closet. It's been there since June. He took it with him today. Why??? He did that once before and told me that he got rid of it.
I haven't forgotten what I have done to him and how much I have hurt him. I'm doing everything I can to make the changes so that it never happens again. And, I am conscious of his feelings. But...trust does not happen when someone isn't being honest and open. If he isn't doing anything wrong, why should he care if I have his passwords, etc. He has mine and I don't care. I'm not doing anything wrong. I don't need gory details. Just honesty. If you have another account, own up to it, and then cancel them. That's all it takes. Anyway, that's where I'm at.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
What I hear you saying is, "Why can't he just do it my way? He should do things the way I want." As long as you insist on that you will never be at peace with him for long.
