I have not been piecing for very long, but I wanted to reiterate some things that others have written because they are true and cannot be said enough for people like me in the early stages of the process:
1) Even when things feel exactly right, expect some backlash. I have been slowly moving forward with my H in the piecing process, with more affection, lovemaking, and shared dreaming working themselves into our lives again. The day before yesterday was like a dream day: lots of phone calls from H, liberal use of my petname by him (a practice practically nonexistent in the "crisis" time except when he accidentally said it by habit), and unsolicited caressing in bed that night. Then, yesterday, a piece of the wall was back.
2) Don't let this backlash make you backslide. My H's shift was not a lot from one day to the next, and pre-crisis, I would not have noticed it, but now it seems obvious. However, don't let it be an obstacle, and don't let it change your objectives. Keep reminding yourself that before that wall was ten feet tall and never came down. Now, it is smaller and comes at more infrequent intervals. Every positive that you can come up with should be magnified.
3) In addition to magnifying the positives, you also need to minimize the "obstacles" or negatoves. If you don't control your thoughts, they will control you. Thought-stopping is key for success. (In my sitch, I believe H had an EA, but he has never admitted that and perhaps never will. I don't know if they still speak because I stopped snooping, a key to my mental health and my ability to effectively DB). Every time I feel depressed, cannot eat, or cannot sleep can be directly linked to uncontrolled thinking about the possibility that H is talking with OW still or again because of his distant behavior. Read a book, watch TV, write in a journal, but stop thinking about it. Once it has control of you, negative thinking will poison your attempts to improve because you won't have the energy or spirit for positive actions to emerge from a place of negativity.
I really appreciate all that I have learned from the more experienced DBers, and I hope that we can all stick to the core and end up writing success stories.
Illiuminata, Thanks for the wisdom. What you say is so relevant for those of us in Piecing. It's so easy to magnify the negatives, and minimize the positives. It's also easy to understimate the progress that has been made, and the connection that has been restored.
My situation has improved a great deal over the past months and year, yet my W continues to sleep elsewhere almost weekly. It's an odd mix of connection and distance.
I do get frustrated and disappointed and sometimes want to give-up. Your post will help me to stay on-track, and keep things in perspective.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This is all so true and in hindsight,Illuminata, the wall has begun to crumble abiet so lightly. It really is all about the mind over the situation. The holidays are coming and for our sake and the kids, I want things to go as "normal" as possible.Do you have any children? Do they notice the wall in the house? Sometimes it is there no matter how hard I try to make it seem as though it is smaller than before. I will contiinue to move forward and that is all that I can do is keep positive and DB.
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
What a great reminder... especially since the holidays are coming up and all the stress they can bring. The holidays may mean that some of them have to face family on both sides after declaring their marriages over at some point. It's hard to explain that they told themselves (and us) what they needed to believe to live with their actions.
When we are piecing it's time to DB harder than ever, not get too complacent and comfortable with the joy that follows a hard fought battle in Hell.
When I see that wall go up, or hear it in his voice, I need to try a little harder.
To have upbeat music playing when he walks in the door.
To be dancing, like no one is watching, around the kitchen making an appetizer or something when I KNOW he will be watching.
To keep my mouth shut when he does start to talk. LISTEN.
In the beginning it is so easy to second guess every far-away look. I sensed the wall, asked him what he was thinking about... then started thinking I wasn't giving him any room to breathe.
Argh.
Not everyday is sunshine and rainbows. The ones that are can get you through it though, once you GET that it's not a reflection of you if they have a bad day.
The frequency of love making slows down for a few nights and you think, the "honeymoon's over". In reality, you are probably closer to getting the love that lasts instead of the immature one many of us embarked upon when we married with stars in our eyes way back then.
ETA: Our "love languages" are different. I should worry more if he stops cooking for me!
Thanks for the reminder, illuminata, and best of luck to you and your family.
