I won't be walking on eggshells everyday waiting for him to erupt because of a toothpaste smudge on the bathroom counter, or a goldfish cracker on the floor of the car.
Ugh. He seriously does have anger management problems.
Or bad OCD. Or both.
Does he acknowledge he has OCD? Does it manifest itself in any other areas besides being a clean-freak? (Tapping, checking, counting, germ-phobia?). Is there a family history of OCD or agoraphobia or eating disorders? Does your H have a history of recurrent strep infections?
A good book to read on the subject is The Boy Who Wouldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport.
Was your H always this way? Or is it a more recent development? Does he take any medications?
Has he ever hit you or abused you in other ways besides complaining about the house?
Please be careful - he sounds irrational and possibly dangerous.
Steve, you just don't want us in TN. I see your alterior motives. But, thanks for the information.
Dom, my h WANTS a traditional marriage, and thinks that TN will allow me to stay home with the kids. Plus, he said if I ever want more kids, we'd have to live in TN.
By the way, his best friend is moving to TN...that's why he wants to go. But, he'll never say that's why.
mkultra, I don't share the same views on multiculturalism as he does. And as far as homosexuality goes, I have a lesbian sister that I LOVE! There are some aspects of it that bother me, and I don't appreciate the education system pushing "gay history" to 1st graders, but I'm not as put-out as he is. And, I would lOVE to take him for a Dr.Phil counseling session. I laugh about that thought with my mom all the time.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
As far as the OCD, he full on admits that he has it. But, it really doesn't manifest in other areas other than wanting things clean...and orderly. Everything has a place, and if things are not in their place, he gets mad. For example, the car keys are to go in a drawer in the entry way. I, often throw them on the dryer as I walk in the house from the garage. THAT makes him angry. I always know where my keys are (well, most of the time) so I don't see the problem. There's no family history of anything like this. His mom and grandmother both have pretty bad depression, but not OCD.
As far as abuse, one time while I was driving, he wanted me to pull over and I wouldn't and he pinched my arm a bunch of times...that's it. I mean, that was bad, my daughter was in the backseat yelling for him to stop, and I ended up with about 8 bruises on my arm. He knows his career would be seriously on the line if he abused me or the kids.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Steve, you just don't want us in TN. I see your alterior motives.
Not true, we need more people!!
I guess what I didn't stress enough is that you wouldn't be able to go home to Cali with the kids if you were to move here and if he became a permanent resident (got a driver's license), which I'm sure he would have to do to work in LE.
Saw this with my friend during his D. He moved his wife here from NC and she didn't like it here. She was going to move back to NC and he filed for D, thus preventing her from taking the kids back.
Yep. That's why I told him things would have to be rock-solid before I give up my support system here and move to a place where I know NO ONE (well, except a great guy named Steve).
I honestly am more confused than I've ever been. H called me to tell me that someone's coming over to measure for carpet and would I call them to get an exact time? (Yes, we just started a $7,000 remodel job on our house.) So, we talked about the carpet and the cost of the new window, etc. And he says, "so, you just want to talk business or what?" I said "no, I don't. I just don't know what you want right now." He says (get this) "See. This is why I tell you your selfish. You won't talk to me, not because you care about what I want, but you don't want me to turn you down, and tell you no, because then you'll feel bad. Well, I need to go. Bye."
OK. I need to be strong and hold my ground about us working through this TOGETHER or NOT at all.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I think someone has told him, (or he has told himself), that the way to fix his marriage, is to be a "real man", and be all alpha-male blah blah blah.
yet at the same time, he does want a good marriage to you.
I think, that HE really thinks, that "if you respected him and did what he said, you'd have a great marriage".
Ideally, if you could sit down and talk with him, identify where he's coming from on this, and maybe nudge him to something a little more reasonable.. things could go well.
For example: he wants to move to TN, so you dont have to work any more! To me, that shows that he is actually thinking about you, your marriage, and your family. Trouble is, he's not responding to what's missing, in the best fashion. He's not being reasonable.
he's somehow gotten the expectation, "the husband needs to make the decisions, and the wife shouldnt argue with him about it".
If there was some way you could approach him with your (quite reasonable) expectations, of you both talking about things, and working out what your marriage should looke like... in a more "feminine" (to his mind) manner.... things might be better, perhaps.
Right now, you are approaching things in what might be called a male fashion. head on, directly confronting.
Seems like if you want to deal with a guy who is trying to be old fashioned guy, you would do well to deal with him in "old fashioned wife" ways. ie: saying "yes dear", but still managing to get him to do what you want
Maybe you need to find an old long-time married 80 year old woman, for some tips on how to go about it
I'm not suggesting this as a long term strategy.. but at least to get him to maybe calm down...and then to reevaluate whereever the heck he's getting his ideas about marriage from,and treating you with more respect.
Even in a traditional, fundamentalist bible-based marriage... a husband should still respect his wife enough to listen to what she has to say. Doesnt sound like he's doing that. So even by his standards, he's in the wrong. You just need to find a gentle way to get him to see that.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Your right. He says we're dancing and I need to let him lead. Whatever. Lead us right off a cliff.
I would give my right arm for him to listen to what I have to say. He knows that. But, he doesn't know how to just listen.
Sometimes I think it's a power-trip cop kinda thing. Like, at work, he talks and people listen. If they don't listen, he makes them listen. And when they talk to him, they're lying 90% of the time. I think he then comes home and expects the same from me. He expects me to listen, and when I talk, I must be lying (or have some hidden agenda). I told him once in an arguement to stop treating me like a suspect!
Add this, to his "Biblical" views of marriage, and you have one messed up situation.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well, here's a little update. Thanksgiving went OK. I got up early and took the car to the carwash for a quick do-it-youself vacuum. I had both kids with me, so I couldn't vaccuum out the crumbs in the carseats. H never noticed.
Anyways, TG went OK. We went to my family's house and had a casual time. Then, that night, I was looking at the shopping ads for Black Friday, and saying how I wanted to get this new camera that I saw and pick up d4's Christmas present. THis, got him ALL MAD. He was mad that I decided what to buy d4 without talking to him about it first, mad that I wanted a camera when we already had one, etc...Really, kinda over the top. So, I backed down and went to sleep. He stayed the night. The next morning he was still mad. Starts yelling at me about how I don't include him in anything. He wants to shop with me for our kids Christmas presents (something he NEVER wanted to do before, and used to tell me it was "your thing" go out and get all our gifts). So, I'm mad and go into the kitchen to get some tea. He comes in there, gets an inch from my face and starts YELLING. I mean, he was SO angry, and SO mean. Honestly, I didn't hear what he was saying, because the whole time he was yelling, I thought, "You're making this really easy on me. I can leave, and have no regrets at all." Once he calmed down, he asked me if I'd take the kids to his family for their TG dinner (they did TG on Fri so we could go to my family on Thurs). I did. He didn't go. Then, he calls me Sat. and tells me that I have to mow the lawn. I tell him I will sometime when I don't have both kids with me. He tells me to quit making excuses. I said, "you know I can't mow the lawn with both kids in the house alone." He tells me that other people manage it, I should be able to think of something. He tells me it's still his house, he wants the lawn nice. I tell him he could come mow it then. He says, "you already say I don't do anything anyway." So, my mom comes over that night so I could mow. I've only mowed the lawn one other time, so it was kinda comical figuring out how to turn the damn thing on.
Then, Sunday morning he calls, and I was feeling sick. So, he said he'd come take the kids out to breakfast so I could sleep. I got the kids ready and he took them out. It was really nice, because I was able to go back to bed. When he drops them off, I tell him thanks for taking them out. That was really nice. He leaves. Then he calls me about 5min later saying, "Quit treating me like a spermdonor! They're MY kids too. I can't BELIEVE you'd THANK me for taking them to breakfast! They're my CHILDREN for God's sake!" I told him I didn't mean anything by thanking him other than saying it was nice to get some sleep since I wasn't feeling good.
That night he calls me and tells me that he called in sick to work because he's so upset about the state of our marriage and doesn't feel like he can work well. He came over after the kids went to bed and tells me that he needs to know if I'm willing to follow his "conditions." I tell him that's not the way things work. We can reconcile our marriage by going to counseling together, and church together, but giving me "non-negotiable conditions" is NOT the way to do this. He says he can't trust me, and that he needs me to do these things, so he can see that I'm serious. Well, you know what? We've both lost trust in each other. I don't trust that he'll change. I don't trust his angry, and his OCD house cleanliness issues. Our parenting syles are different, and he won't listen to me. So, I'm mad now. I tell him if he wants to reconcile, it's not going to be with his conditions. He says its his conditions or divorce. I told him it's not his conditions. So, he tells me (again) that he's filing for divorce, and do I want him to do it now, or wait until after the new year? I told him to do whatever.
So, yesterday, I'm at work. I work at a cancer treatment center. I meet with this very sweet 84 year old man. He starts telling me how he was married for 43 years, and how much he misses his wife. He told me they never had a single argument. Her dying words to him was, "I love you my honey-bun." So, I'm practically crying, thinking what the hell am I doing!! I take a break and call h. I tell him that I'm sorry, that I want to talk about things. Well, he tells me that I HAVE to agree on his conditions. And I have to PROMISE that I will follow his conditions... so, I said, "OK". God. My dying words!!
I'm telling you, I'll work my ass of doing his conditions, but if he doesn't change, and start working on his anger, NO WAY in hell do I stick around. I'll KNOW that I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work.
So, if you've made it this far... How do you agree, agree and validate, validate...when you really don't agree? How do you bend over for someone, who won't do the same for you?
How do you not be a doormat through all this?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
But, thanks for the information.
