What does my XW Want?

[Confused_in_AZ]

Hello all!

Been a long time since I last posted and thought I would start a new thread. Here is a quick update on what has happened with my in the past two months. You can read all of my situations on my other threads over the past three years.

August - Celebrated my one year post-d. Thought I was good to go until
Sept - XW's birthday. Actually sent flowers to the office since i thought I was making some sort of progress with her and possibly moving forward in some sort of R....not sure what, just moving forward.
Oct - the worst month I have had since the seperation. My brother got married and it was the most difficult thing I have experienced. All of the memories of my wedding came flooding back. Realized at this point that I still am in love with my XW.

That brings me to tonight and why I am here. Had dinner with her. It has been the first time in almost a month or so. Nice conversation, coffee, etc.

I am sitting here just trying to figure out why am I divorced? I know that we had issues, and she had issues that she was not willing to work on or talk about in a year and a half of counciling. But what do you do? How can you be SOOO comfy with someone, that when you leave....you just wonder? Can she feel the same or what?

Sorry for so long but just wanted to jot somethings down to mull on and to get some feeback...whatever folks think.

And yes, I have gotten a life. Just bought a new house so that is going to take plenty of my time.

Hope you all are well and I hope to catch up with old friends when I get a bit more time on my hands!

[JMC]

I can relate to so much of your post. Although I am not yet divorced we have been very civil in the past, including intimacy up until about three months ago (separated ~ 9 mo').

Halloween is her BD and yesterday was tough. Weddings, like you, also totally get me down. I can very much imagine being in your shoes after our D - wondering why it can not work.

Seems as if you two get along well and should continue on with your path of communication. I have read various sources that suggest anywhere from 6-20% of divorces end up in re-marriage.

[azhira]

Hey Confused. Succinct, but much like me... It's just so comfortable with xh, our communication is awesome...so why does he keep running?? (Long and complicated answer, obviously.)

Not much you can do, except stay 'open' without 'pushing'.

[DaveJ]

It always comes back to the same point. You have no control over how she feels. Only thing you can do is be the person you want to be and hopefully that's attractive to her and maybe she'll come back.... Easier said than done really. :P

[Confused_in_AZ]

As I mentioned in an earlier post, life is crazy for me so a belated thanks to those who posted before.

I am still in the same place as before. Having a difficult time moving forward I must say. Feeling good, but realizing that I am not making much headway.

Pretty funny story, and not sure if this is a common one or not. I just got back from a work conference this past weekend. Had a date with a gal that I have known for about three years but have never met in person. Nature of my work.

Her, her employee and I went out to dinner with me and Sara going out for drinks and things afterward. Dinner is going extremely well, all of us having a great time. The worker mentions that when I call their office, they announce that "sara's boyfriend is on the line". Nevermind the fact that we have never met, she actually has a boyfriend, and she lives completely across the US!

Later on during the date when we are alone having drinks, I must have said something and she reponds with "wow, you sound just like my XH!" Just as she says that, I realized, she is my XW! Down to the family background and all!

Not sure what it means....am I still in love with the XW or is she the type of person that I am searching for? Not sure and completely over analyzing!

Hope you all are well!

[azhira]

We tend to be drawn to the same kinds of people. That's why taking an honest look at our own issues is so important.

[DaveJ]

There is a reason why you are still in love with your XW right?

[Confused_in_AZ]

Yes Dave, I do still love my XW and while I am still holding out hope that things will come back together, I also realize that I need to move on with life. I am just hoping that I am not trying to "replace her" with a clone, if that makes sense.

I have talked to X acouple times over the past week or so about random things. She has some mail that was delivered to our old (her) PO Box. Not sure when we are going to get together in the future, again, not sure if she is that busy or if she is trying to avoid getting together. Ugh!

[Jeff223]

You seem to be doing things right. There is no apology for being in love. Attraction is not a choice. She may feel the same way. Who knows.

Yes, we do seek certain personality types. I have looked back at my life and that has been a blessing and a problem.

I am now asking myself what the positives and negatives are of the type of women I like. Next time, I will take a hard look at the negatives up front b/c those ultimately kill a R.

[Confused_in_AZ]

Jeff, I completely agree. But are those negatives something that we can see or are they issues that we deal with later in life?

I tend to believe that we are attracted to certain personality types, and they work for us....big fan of the IMAGO Theory. But having said that, I think we can also look for other things...the IMAGO is something that we naturally look for...for the "natural" attraction.

As a new twist....has anyone been set up by their mother? I will be having a date set up by my mother tomorrow night. A woman that she works with, her sister is coming into town and I will be taking her out tomorrow night. Seems like a great person and we seemely connect over telephone and email....but......?

Can mom be always right? Too funny in my opinion! Don't know if she is really trying to help set you up, feeling pity on you, or if she (when you are the right age), is pushing grandkids on you......we shall see, but I am going with the latter at this point!