The answer was staring me in the face all the time

[MaxP]

Ah, just been listening to some music and chose one of my wife's playlists. Clearly looking at the titles I should have done this a long time ago as it might have told me what was coming. Here's the selection from the playlist, ordered by me for more impact!

Pure Shores,
Concrete Sky,
Daybreaker,
Love and Affection,
More than this,
Sweetest Decline,
Torn,
No More I Love Yous,
Here's where the Story Ends,
Dance Away,
Old Friends

I'm not kidding you. The only one I left out was Morning Morgantown!

Eeek! That's topically spooky!

[Trixi]

That is very weird!

On a different note, how's things going with the old/new job?

[Trixi]

Okay Max-
You posted on my thread, now it's time for you to post on update on YOUR thread.
How are things? what's new? It's been almost 3 weeks since you've posted!

[MaxP]

Sorry 99, here's the update pasted in the correct place:

Not much to report in my relationship. The last time I saw my W was the time she came round to give me the "it's over" verdict on our separation. So that was that. Lot's of comments about our R now being fundamentally different, which is quite funny really since ever since she left I haven't been all that aware of what she has been up to, who she is seeing or been 'allowed' to make any serious plans to meet up. So not much difference there then. So much for using the time wisely. I feel like I've been conned.

We're now in the realms of slowly unpicking our lives, starting with our finances, which is not much fun. We normally have some form of contact about once a week. I still miss her and I still love her, so it's been very hard at times - surprisingly hard. I still think about what has happened a lot of the time. I'm not sure she thinks about me much at all, but she has other distractions. I sometimes wonder if there is someone else, but our lives are so separate that I would need someone to tell me and that won't be her (she has said as much).

Basically, I'm trying to concentrate on me. I'm trying to work out what things I enjoy and what I want from life. Like many people here I imagine, doing fun things sometimes feels like you are just going through the motions - but things are slowly changing (sometimes it feels quite glacial though). I have a bit of stability back in my life after a very rough few months and that is welcome.

I'm trying to decide whether my DBing would ever have made a difference to her*. She's not deviated from the path to separation and then the final it's over verdict at any stage. She seems to have been following this path faithfully ever since the bomb. Because of this, I feel I was never given a look in during the whole process, despite her making statements to the opposite effect at various points on our journey. That's what hurts so much. The feeling that I had no real control or chance to influence her at any stage. She just wanted me gone.

* I still hope it might one day.

[MaxP]

What do you do when the other person doesn't want to meet up with any regularity, and even then retains complete control of the circumstances? (i.e. always at home, always time bound by her, always about some formal issue). It feels like there is no platform to rebuild from. How can separation be anything other than the beginning of the end when it's like that? Even I would feel that there was no attraction there if that's all the contact I ever got from them - maybe that's her point.

[Dom R]

I think that about all you can do, is respect the limits that she puts there. NOT "push" about anything. Then perhaps in a few months, she will not be so tightly closed up to you.

(took my wife 3 months to untighten a bit, after she first moved out)

Even I would feel that there was no attraction there if that's all the contact I ever got from them - maybe that's her [goal].

Yup. pretty much.

[MaxP]

Thank Dom. Coming up to 5 months for my W. Have only seen her 5 times in that whole interval. Only once was that in a neutral setting (i.e. away from our home). You can see the problem ...

[jon2911]

Max,
I'm wondering the same thing. How's DB'ing supposed to work if we don't have a chance to show them? Of course, the changes are supposedly for us, no matter if they come back or not. It's just hard to see it that way.

Finding that song list, I can relate to that. It was looking back at the e-mails right before the separation that did me in. She even bought a book called "Total Marriage Makeover", but didn't feel like I was interested in going through it with her. How could I be so dense?

[jab]

WOW!~

I saw this post the other night and decided to take a listen to my WAW playlist that she plays while running on the treadmill. UNBELIEVABLE!!! Songs about leaving a bad R, hurting inside, you were never there for me.....all kinds of stuff (I won't list them here but what an eye opener!). If I only knew then! Everyone go listen to what your S is listening too. Their choice of music is a window into their minds!

jaBRWok

[doa180]

My WAW had songs with "Escape" as a common theme.