respond or stay still?

[ACJ]

HB,

I understand how you feel about your D not phoning you to tell you she had been in an accident and how it must have hurt that she phoned her dad BUT at least she turned to one of you. She could have tried to deal with this herself. My D17 has also recently been involved in a car accident and although she wasn't injured and there is only minor damage to her car the other party is trying his best to intimidate her b/c she is so young and dealt with everything herself at the time of the incident. Be grateful for the mercy that she has not been injured.

My thoughts on why your H is seemingly back in Replay. His sister is dying. He knows the FULL implications of this he treats people with this terrible disease all day every day. He will know the full extent of her suffering both now and as the end of her life approaches. He cannot deal with this any other way than run from it.

We all of us in this situation have a right to be angry and even a right to be bitter BUT where does that get us? IMO it only brings us more sadness. Try to focus on what is important to you right now. Let H grieve in his own way for his sister, be there to support him if he asks for it but always in the background if he doesn't.

This is hard. Try and turn your anger at him into something positive for you. Let go of the jealousy you feel about the R between your D and your H. Believe me I have been there. I only let go of this when H left. I may still have had a M if I could've learnt to do is sooner.

[heartbreak2]

The past few wks have been insane in many ways.
I found out when taking d's car to garage that
H is living in a condo on the water and has a joint
ins. policy with OW. And he is paying rent on the condo
that he pretends to live in for the kids sake and his family.

I had to speak to him once last week about d and he was ok on the
phone almost sounded like he did 9 months ago.

there is something that is bugging me...
on the night he came here with his sister I told him I was not angry with him I was upset that he had not told me that she was sick. He looked at me and said.. "you have a lot of things to be upset with me about"

well Wed. I called the L to tell him about the condo and he might have actually purchased it. He told me that H's L had sent a fax saying that H had given me all the papers I asked for wks ago.
???????????????????????????
NOPE
so my L was pissed off totally that she is blaming us for stalling when H is the one who has not complied with the request.
Though the L and I are in agreement that his sisters health needed to be taken into consideration and I we were sitting and waiting for him. We are in no hurry.

So the condo is not owned by him I did find that out. But proves he is living with her.

He has been quiet this weekend and did not spend time with s but is going off with d tonight.

A part of me has given up feels like I am a failure and have been defeated. THen there is a small part that comes through and says.. wait he did not buy that condo so he is not totally committed to her.
Then the little voice says... but he has changed the address on all his stuff to "his" condo now after 19 months.

I am in a rut.. can't seem to climb out this time and I am worried.
I have a new puppy and can't seem to connect with him, my emotions are so flat all of a sudden.

I look back over the last 3 wks and I am so mad at myself for getting upset with him and letting myself get bitter. Why did I do that? Why can't I just be calm cool and collected and go with the flow.

I was better at this the summer he left than I am now.

This weekend it is one yr since he wanted to come home for the last time.
he came and told me he was guilty of this that and another thing and I got upset for he was feeling guilty for hurting the person he was with and not me and never said he was sorry.

I just stayed quiet all weekend didn't say much.

Part of me no longer has feelings for him he is so far away.......

need help to snap out of the rut.....

[ACJ]

"you have a lot of things to be upset with me about"

IMHO this is him telling you that he still feels you control him. Only this week I realised this about my own sitch. You and I both have to learn not to react to whatever our Hs throw our way. I'm not saying don't feel hurt but i am saying don't let him know you are hurt.

I feel like I've just spent 2yrs doing everything wrong (even though I thought at the time what I was doing was for the best). Now I have to change before I loose everything. FWIW I think you need to do the same.

[heartbreak2]

Acj
I had this same thought but just not sure how to turn it all around
now.

I feel as though since last June I have blown it totally. I react
though now I no longer email things to him when I react I still feel it inside and let it brew.

I looked at his comment as him realizing that he has done a lot of damage and that I will be upset.

I found it so weird that he asked me about what I found online about the treatments for his sisters CA. Like he never bothered to look it up?
anyway he blew me away when he said that he is so proud of her for being so brave. That she is so positive.
now... this is a woman who has never once in the 27 yr I have known her to be positive. But the world revolves around her is how she was.
Well now the world is revolving around her so maybe she is in a state of happy. so so sad that now the family feels the need
to be together... after yrs of not being a family and not seeing ea other but once a yr.

H had a bit of jealousy in his tone when he said that his dad and his wife and an aunt were going on a cruise with his sister. She had never been on a cruise.

I guess I would need to leave memories for people and not do the things I did not find time to do in life.
I am just different

Need to definitely change my attitude this I know

I got upset when talking about his sister and did not attempt to hug him or ask for a hug.. I stayed my distance

Now... there was no mention of the L's letter or the papers he has yet to give me....

what do you think of this????

[ACJ]

what do you think of this????

I think he is too preoccupied with his sister. Use it to your advantage. If you don't want a D don't do anything to hurry it along.

[heartbreak2]

Well yesterday my L left a vm on my cell.
H supposedly got the paperwork we needed to his L and
she mailed it to mine....

now talk about avoiding me and costing himself more money..
he is so dense...

so now I have to deal with the L today and I am in a state of
just plain tired.
it was a yr ago he wanted to come back and sent the most beautiful flowers he had ever given me for vday.
but did not sign the card.... guess he didn't want proof...

I have a dr's appt tomorrow it has been 5 wks now since I had a sinus infec. and I have a cough that won't go away and I get short of breath easily and wheeze. I do not have asthma but sure is starting to feel like I might have it now.

just one more thing to deal with.

I am going to lunch with friends today and it is a rainy nasty day so hopefully that will make things better for a while.

too many things to decide for the settlement my mind is boggled with #'s and time frames and it is starting to run together.

the L's only tell you so much and there is a lot out there that they don't tell you.

[heartbreak2]

Looks like the D is going forward and he has gotten
all the papers to his L but maybe one

my L has asked for a mtg of the 4 of us for he
does not agree with the agreement that H says
he and I agreed to. I did not agree to parts of it

the stress is getting to me.
I went to the dr for I have been sick with a cold
for a month now and I had bronchitis and she did
labwork and I am anemic again.... crap

I just can't seem to focus at times

did go out in my yard yesterday and did not think of him
or the D at all. focused on me and MY YARD and what
I wanted to do out there.

need so D support this week

thanks
hb2