WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[mako]

One day at a time is a good mantra right now!

Today was another good day, just a little sadness here and there, I'm always reminded of things when I wake up alone, but I stayed positive for the most part through the day. W hasn't called since yesterday but I haven't had any desire to call her, so that's good. I feel like I'm detaching ok right now, sure I would like to talk to her but I'm not anxious about it or just waiting for her call, she will call when she does.

It helps having plans for things as it gives me stuff to look forward to. I'm booked for the whole weekend, and have tentative stuff for next weekend already. Also a nice 180 for me as I was never one to plan things in our M, I realize I'll have to get out and do things for myself from now on.

Hoping tomorrow treats me just as well, I'm wondering if my first Thanksgiving without W in 6 years will bring me down, but I'll be with family so it should be alright. Hope everyone here has a happy holiday.

[mako]

Well, Thanksgiving day wasn't as good as the last few, but wasn't bad overall. Felt a bit more sad than I'd been, especially at dinner, but I've had far worse days recently so it wasn't so bad relatively.

Dinner was fine, although I did feel sad at times as I mentioned above. Went with parents to Aunt and Uncle's house as we normally do...they all know what's going on and they were supportive, no talk about anything which was good, didn't feel like dealing with that today. Cousins invited me to go out, after dinner I felt down so I declined, but went back to parents house and was feeling restless so I ended up going out with them. Had a good time, and it was nice to get out and do something.

After being dark for two days I texted W earlier in the day, just said "Have a nice thanksgiving." She replied with "Ditto! Eat lots of X for me" (X being an odd dessert that has become our TG tradition). I was worried a bit if it was bad to make contact, but this seemed ok.

So, not great but not too bad today,..but I really wish she was here right now...

[lushmd]

...I'm always reminded of things when I wake up alone, but I stayed positive for the most part through the day...

I know exactly what you mean. I find waking up w/o STBXW to be the toughest part of the day (no matter how busy we were, unless I was on call, I would start the day by cuddling her for a bit and kissing her good morning...). Hang in there mako...as you say, stay positive...

[mako]

As always, the morning sucked for me...that is always the worst time of day, and I have no ideas for making that better. Usually the rest of the day I am fine.

This AM it was a dream...I dreamt that W and I were going to MC, don't remember any details but remember feeling satisfied just that we were trying to work on the M. Woke up with a feeling of sadness and some anger that this is not really happening, though these feelings have toned down a bit now.

Anyway, I am excited to go to some museums today and hang out with a friend. For me, GALing is the best part of the process, getting out and doing things always picks me up, especially since I had done little of that for myself during the M.

As always, the morning sucked for me...that is always the worst time of day, and I have no ideas for making that better. Usually the rest of the day I am fine.

The evenings are the worst for me, particularly now it's dark at 5pm. It's easy to keep busy during the day, but the nights just seem to drag on forever.

It's great that you're doing fun things!!

[mako]

I hear you about the evenings Brit, it's easy to just sit in the house and do nothing when it's cold and dark. That's usually when I make myself work out as that always makes me feel a little better, or maybe do some reading.

This weekend has been fine as I've been doing things, although I felt a little anxious last night...I went to my cell phone account to add a text message plan, decided to check the minutes usage while there. Noticed that in the past two weeks W has made over 1200 minutes of phone calls...this is way way above normal. This had my mind racing, who is she calling, what is she doing...the actual phone numbers aren't available mid month. So this bit of unintentional snooping hit me hard.

Today I am better. I know that I can't control her and can't worry about what she's doing, so I will stop. I've seen enough on this board about how snooping does no good, either for stopping W from doing whatever, or for my well being. She will do what she will do, my job is to take care of myself and be her friend to the extent she is willing.

I did call her this morning, just to say I hoped her weekend went well and to wish her luck on a freelance job she is starting tomorrow. She didn't answer so I left a message, she hasn't called me back. If she doesn't call back I'll take it as a sign that she doesn't want any contact right now, may be time to really go dark (although considering our M problem was lack of talking and connection total darkness seems counterproductive, I'm not sure right now).

[mako]

W finally called me just now. We talked for about 10 minutes, just about her new job, what we did this weekend, what we're thinking of doing this week. It seemed fine, not strained or anything, just friendly conversation...nothing even remotely approaching R talk.

I mentioned I'm taking the dog for a hike this weekend, this is something W really likes to do so I had a slim hope she would have interest in tagging along, but there was none. Too bad, but I will enjoy it regardless.

I didn't ask her about the 20 hours of phone calls in 2 weeks, obviously that would have done me no good. I'm actually doing pretty well in knowing that I can't concern myself with that.

At the end she said she'd check in with me next week, but then she said maybe later in the week...so I guess maybe we're on a weekly contact basis now...seems hard to show her much with 10 minutes of contact a week, but I guess it's something.

Other than that, went to the C today. She seems to think I'm making good progress with what I want to do, opening myself up more, expressing my feelings and all that. I know this is good for me regardless of whether W comes back, but I just wish she could see it. It's hard to show that in a short phone convo, especially when you can't venture into R talk territory.

[mako]

After some thinking, I've come to the conclusion that being even semi dark might not be the best thing for my sitch.

I was, basically, dark for much of my M. W and I did our own things, I was usually studying so she found ways to occupy herself. I didn't share a whole lot with her, I didn't plan many things for us to do together...being dark seems just a continuation of that, a "more of the same" activity. DR says do something different, so maybe I don't want to do more of the same anymore.

I understand the need to give W space and not pressure her into anything substantial R wise...but I also feel that not contacting her just lets her know that nothing has changed. Perhaps I need to take some initiative here...

As I mentioned above, I'm going hiking this weekend. This is a favorite activity of my W. I was thinking of inviting her along. Given the above, this would be a big 180, taking the initiative to plan an activity. Also, I haven't really asked her to do anything with me since the bomb, and we haven't exactly been making a lot of progress.

As I said above, I did mention to W that I was doing this, but she didn't really say much about it. Even if she wanted to go, I doubt she would have asked to. I figure what do I have to lose, she'll say no, I don't think it would push her much further away. Considering we're still on friendly terms, although with not much contact, I don't think it's 100% she'll say no, though my expectations are low. One thing I have going for me is bringing the dog, who W just adores and always talks about, at least she may miss the dog.

Any thoughts? I'm not seeing this as a date or pursuit or pressure; just hanging out with a friend--which she supposedly thinks I still am--doing something we enjoy. At the very least, it would tell her that I still want to be her friend and hang out with her on occasion. But maybe I'm not seeing clearly right now, so any comment would be appreciated.

[ca rollercoaster]

Hi mako,

just got finished reading our thread...matches up to my situation by about 90%. We have no kids as well and i am going though almost exactly as you are for the same reasons (not enough emotion from me). I struggle with how to 180 in this situation as well because I find that playing it too distant while we are under the same roof can give my W the impression that she can easily move on without me.

As far asking asking her to go hiking, my heart would be telling me to go do it but i think you would be better off planning that activity with some other people...at least for now. Take my advice with a grain of salt though because i am asking similar questions on my thread.

[wawpioneer]

I am so surprised about how this all matches my situation. We do not have kids either. Wife filed for divorce yesterday I think. I too am struggling with how much contact to have with her. I did not show much emotion during our relationship either and it almost seems counterintuitive to not talk to her now. I cannot say whether asking her to go with you would be good or not.