I'm in Eagan. I'm familiar with your area though, as my office used to be in Fridley. mcojh is east of us, so we're all in the same vicinity.
I have to say that I give you a lot of credit for coming on here. I think you're wrong when you say that you can't imagine what you've put her through. I think you're feeling a lot of the same emotions now that she's felt before. The pain, the wanting to be with her.....etc. That's what we feel having a WAS that's in an A and wanting out of the M. It's painful. All you want is to be with them, for you to have a happy, intact family. I'm not saying that you completely understand, but you're still experiencing the feelings of loss. It's tough.
Have a good weekend.
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 12/30/0702:58 AM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Just checking in to see how your holiday went and I'm glad it was good. Baby steps, remember. Your wife's signature of "fondly" is actually better than I expected. She has been deeply hurt and must have been so very angry...for so long.... When you fully realize it (not to shame you but to give you momentary insight) then you may see what a positive word she chose.
She WANTS to believe you and that is also why I see her curiosity about where you are, as a good thing, on the whole.
Granted, it sounds distrusting and it is. But at least SHE CARES where you are! Make sense? Also, aside from remorse, you need to remind your wife of what a great h you can be and are. IOW, yes you are sorry and you must jump through the hoops she comes up with, if she's willing, and that'd be great. But you also have to move on in life. What do you offer her as a mate, other than regret about past pain you inflicted upon her? See my point?
Why don't you invite her to join you for bowling, or some short term event? What are the long term plans for the moving situation? Are you going to relocate? How are you going to ensure that you will live near your family, regardless of the marital status? I mean, you want to be near the kids anyway, and how else can you demonstrate your marital commitments?
She hurt for a long time, so it'll take a long time to heal and you have to be much more patient. When you think about it, she was pretty patient with you, wasn't she? Happy New Year and good luck. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just checking in to see how your holiday went and I'm glad it was good. Baby steps, remember. Your wife's signature of "fondly" is actually better than I expected. She has been deeply hurt and must have been so very angry...for so long.... When you fully realize it (not to shame you but to give you momentary insight) then you may see what a positive word she chose.
She WANTS to believe you and that is also why I see her curiosity about where you are, as a good thing, on the whole.
Granted, it sounds distrusting and it is. But at least SHE CARES where you are! Make sense? Also, aside from remorse, you need to remind your wife of what a great h you can be and are. IOW, yes you are sorry and you must jump through the hoops she comes up with, if she's willing, and that'd be great. But you also have to move on in life. What do you offer her as a mate, other than regret about past pain you inflicted upon her? See my point?
Why don't you invite her to join you for bowling, or some short term event? What are the long term plans for the moving situation? Are you going to relocate? How are you going to ensure that you will live near your family, regardless of the marital status? I mean, you want to be near the kids anyway, and how else can you demonstrate your marital commitments?
She hurt for a long time, so it'll take a long time to heal and you have to be much more patient. When you think about it, she was pretty patient with you, wasn't she? Happy New Year and good luck. j-
Hi!,
Thanks for the response. My holiday was wonderful. I cannot say strongly enough how much I loved being home for 7 days with DW and kids. I loved it. I miss the pitter patter of the little feet. Thanks for the perspective on "fondly," I hadn't thought about it that way. I know that I hurt her, and I hate myself for that. I do think her curiosity is good, I really do. What is hard for me, and I know most people here would never have me think about my feelings, is when I hear in her voice the distrust. I want to talk and respond. I have NOT lied to her since it was over. I will never do that again. I know the lying has been the hardest part and the most insulting.
How do I remind her what a great husband I can be/am when I am not around her? Here is what I am thinking.....I want to come home every other weekend and spend four days with her and the kids. I would like to build a friendship and relationship with her. She left on Friday to go to her parents house and I was home all weekend waiting to go to my Dr on Monday. I know this made her uncomfortable so I called her all the time and let her know exactly where I was. I tried to get on the early flight on Monday night, but had no luck. After two plane delays I got in around midnight and found my car battery dead. I called her on Tuesday after I got it fixed and got home. I have the receipt and check to prove it, but I know she doubts me. Let me just say, for those who doubt me here, I want nothing to do with the OW. Every second I was home over xmas just reminded me of what a great wife and mother she is. I called her tonight and it was hard, I could here the insecurity in her voice.
I would gladly invite her to go bowling. I had no reason to go other than having something to do on my own, as the DB counselor suggested. I didn't want to be away from her. I just wanted something to do besides crowd her. I want to do things with her. That is all I have ever wanted is to go through life together, not in parallel.
Regardless of what happens I want to be in her life and the kids life, every day. I will do whatever it takes for me to be in their lives.
What do I offer her? I offer her happiness. I offer her the chance to share her life with someone who will love her like no other. I offer her a full time father for our children who loves our kids more than my own life. I offer her companionship, someone who's last thought at night and first thought in the morning is of her, the love of my life. She is my soulmate, and I am trying to offer the chance to make life's journey, wherever it may lead, together with the person who makes her happy.
I miss being home and with her. I miss my kids. I want so desperately to talk with her. let me tell you about my W:
- My W is beautiful. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes and a smile that lights up the room. - My W is athletic. We love to go running together and have done a half marathon together. We used to run all the time before kids. She has run on her own since the kids. You would NEVER know she has had two kids (first one almost 10.5 lb., and the second almost 10 lb). - My W is very smart. Not only does she have a masters, she has finished the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle. We both love to read - My W has a great laugh and smile. She makes my heart melt from across the room. - My W is the best mom in the whole world. She has invested so much with our kids and they are just as smart as she is. She is there when they cry, she gets them back to sleep at night, and she is there to share their joys.
Why do I tell you all this???? Because I notice these things about my W. Most importantly, I love being around her. I F*&ked up these last years. I know that. I love my W, love her company, love her as a mom, and I want to share in everything we have created together. My life is better with her in it and our kids love it when we are together. I just want a chance to fight for our kids and our marriage together.
I know she will hurt for a long time. There is no moral high ground on hurting though. I say that because I hurt too. I want to overcome this hurt and be the man that she deserves. I want to give her what she wants. I just wish I knew what that was. I can't help loving her. I love my kids. I don't want to waste another second away from her. Not ONE!
Good morning. I just wanted to give an update to everyone. DW and kids returned home last night from her parents. I did not get a call when they got it but I know it was a busy time trying to get luggage and kids out of the airport. I called earlier in the day to say good bye and safe travels and she told me she would call.
I know I need to be patient and I am doing my best to be. I just miss all of them so much and want to see them. I am at my parents house this weekend and called her from here as soon as I got up so she could see. I may come back here again next weekend. One day at a time, I know...........
- My W is beautiful. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes and a smile that lights up the room. - My W is athletic. We love to go running together and have done a half marathon together. We used to run all the time before kids. She has run on her own since the kids. You would NEVER know she has had two kids (first one almost 10.5 lb., and the second almost 10 lb). - My W is very smart. Not only does she have a masters, she has finished the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle. We both love to read - My W has a great laugh and smile. She makes my heart melt from across the room. - My W is the best mom in the whole world. She has invested so much with our kids and they are just as smart as she is. She is there when they cry, she gets them back to sleep at night, and she is there to share their joys.
I'm sure you didn't think about all those things during your A, and that's the sad thing, but if only she could know what you love about her, that you are proud of her. Finding out about your S's A really sucks the self-esteem right out of you. She may tell you she doesn't want to hear those things, but I know how it would make me feel to hear my H tell me something like that. Especially now that I think he has been in contact again w/ OW and probably is either seeing her again or contemplating it.
I hope that you honestly know what you want at this point, b/c if you start to win her back and you have second thoughts or can't give her what she needs, you will push her even further away. Just remember that in her mind there will be doubts for a very long time and it is up to you and only you to keep doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make her believe in you again.
Good luck & don't give up. FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
We'll work on brainstorming about new screen names later.. For now, I want to tell you how some of what you wrote struck me, although FA and others may disagree with me, so get their feedback too.
For me, SOME of what you wrote smacked of neediness, what YOU want and need, and wish for, etc. You're feeling desparate b/c these needs and wants may well not be met due to your A and the related fall out. I'm not sure how much of a 180' that looks like to your wife b/c, what if ALL YOUR NEEDS are not met? Isn't that something she could fear? I mean, no one can fill all your needs and in your case, your wife may well fear what it means when you don't feel all your needs are being met.
I mean, if you have a "list" of all that you want and need from your wife, and that list isn't always fulfilled, (which it won't be) will she feel fearful of another A? I apologize for being harsh, but do you see how this seems to be all about you? Not her and not the child. What you offer her is your presence and companionship but what about specifics that you can offer her withIN that? What do you bring to the table as a friend? hobbies/interests/listening skills? As far as how much you love her, "unconditionally" etc, well, if I'm not mistaken you justified the A earlier b/c YOUR NEEDS were not met and so, it'll be awhile before she can hear about how "safe" and unfailing your love for her is. Make sense?
You were wondering about how your wife can see some 180's in this sitch. Well, what are you doing about the geographical separation? Even if you do end up divorced, you'd want to be close to your daughter, right? Can you DO something about that? Doesn't one of you HAVE to move in order for you to live together as a family anyhow? And again, even if you do D, won't one of you need to move in order for your daughter to have both parents near?
I see lots of positives in your sitch, but wanted to post another viewpoint for your consideration. Just stuff to think about.
Hope it helps and hope you stick with this DBing with MUCH more patience. Your time line has to change. As I told you, my h did some crappy things to me, over a period of time although to my knowledge it did Not include an A. STILL, it took him 2 years to come out of the MLC enough for us to live under the same roof and even with that, I have trust issues with him and I have to do A LOT of work on forgiving him for putting us into such a stupid position financially, so much time away from the kids, and other things.
So you know, here's another perspective of mine about moving on with my H and our re-newed M. I love him and want things to work out and have faith that they will.
On the other hand, When my h gets impatient with me for not "forgetting" (my word, not his) the pain of our troubles fast enough, I remind him as firmly but lovingly as I can, that he is NOT in a position to make those types of demands. And Just between us, I feel that my h is damn lucky I'm talking to him, let alone living with him. He is needy and wants almost constant "family time" which means no private time for me and lately, over the holidays, the kids have had very little time without h fluttering around them.
I have so little emotional reserves inside for any hassles from h, and I have a hard time sounding calm and loving when he gets irritable or skims over problems he created. He complains a lot about money but it was HIS unilateral choices that worsened our sitch, so it's hard for me to bite my tongue then. I'm venting now but I think maybe a little of this could relate to your sitch or your wife's feelings, at least by analogy.
Hang in there, relax. You have a lot to chew on and think about. At least the changes you make will be easier to see when you're with your wife b/c it's harder to notice change when you see each other every day. Make those moments count, and let them reflect the new you. (( j- ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do see your point. I guess I was speaking about my hopes for the future. What I hope for us is that "the meal matches the menu." What I mean by that is I want for us to grow together and do things together. I know that I strayed. I hate myself for that. But, I have been praying for us to grow together and for me to forgive myself. My W said that I changed. I have turned to my family and friend and her to understand how I changed and have taken great strides to grow and make myself better because of what I have done. For myself and for us. I am closer to my family than I ever was and now I am building a relationship with God, something that I forgot for a long time. When I talked about me, what I was trying to do was show some humility about the things that I took for granted and blamed her for. What I want for her, what I offer her, is a chance to do all the things you mentioned. I know now that I did not make the necessary investments in our family to influence what I wanted. I KNOW THAT NOW. We have many of the same interests in music, cooking, fitness, religion, family etc. We never shared in those experiences before and I am investing in all of those things now. All I have ever wanted is to make her happy, and what I am saying is that I know that I have put that first. I am giving and I want to give my love to her in every way that she needs. I want to be her friend, her husband, the person she trusts.
If she does D me, then I will move back by her. I have not moved back because we have talked about a D. I do not want to move back there now because the reason we moved was to be out of the environment we were in before. We wanted to move to be closer to our families. If we can get to the point that we can begin to move forward I want to do whatever she needs to make her happy. That is all I ever have wanted. If I have to move to fight, I will.
I know I created this situation. What I want is not about me, but about us and our children. I want to make her happy. I want to reassure her, not with words but with actions. I am not the person I was these past years and I know she is not. She is much stronger and better. I love her unconditionally, I always have. I do not want anyone else other than her!!!!!!!!
She is who I want, and I want to be who she wants.
I just wanted to give everyone an update. I got served divorce papers today. I am trying to be strong but I am crushed. Recent contact with W has been very positive and my DB counselor thought very positive things had happened. Fear not, I am going to be with my family not OW, EVER! She wants sole legal custody. I just don't know what to do.
I am so sorry Peter. Why does she want sole custody? She acknowledges you are a good father. That makes me sad. Even if I was completely 'through' with my H, I would never think of anything other than 50/50...
Try and talk to her about it, see what her reasons are....
The papers are only that. Papers. Anything can be reversed.
I am guessing here......that she can't trust me and I have made her feel that she cannot make me happy. Well, who I am, the new me that I have faithfully demonstrated for the past four months is FAR better than I was before.
She must feel as if I have walked away from her and that I don't want to parent and be in their lives. Nothing is further from the truth. I want to be in her life and our children's life full time. I.......too many I's. It is what she wants..........
