Everyone here is right - you need to BE the person you want your W to believe you are. Words mean nothing, telling her your feelings are not going to convince her and you can easily sound like you are trying to make her pity you and give you a chance b/c she feels guilty or responsible for making you happy. Actions, actions, actions are the only things that matter and the only way you can reach her. And it will take a very, very long time for those actions, if you are consistent and unwaivering, to make a difference. If you truly want to get your W back, you have to work on yourself, be the person she would risk taking a chance on, because it feels like a huge risk to allow yourself to believe in someone who has failed you over and over again. I know this with every fibre of my being.
SPM asked
Quote:
Why the change of heart in you? Why? why did you not put a stop to it 3 months earlier? a year earlier? 2 years and 364 days earlier? Why now? Why this time, when your W already knew about the affair, why did this information make you want to quit?
I know I asked you this question myself before but I didn't really get an answer, so I'm hoping you can enlighten me too, b/c I think that my H is still seeing OW. It's been nearly 3 mos since the last time he told me it was over (which was the third time he said this same thing to me), which happened after I used the LRT. But recently his actions are not matching up with his words and I'm getting that gut feeling that things are not right.
In fact, I would appreciate any response from anyone on this thread about what to do when you think the A is still ongoing, but your S says they want to save the M and MOST of their actions show this too. How do I get him to end the A without coming out an accusing him, since I have no proof, just little clues that point in that direction. I don't want to make him feel that I will never trust him or believe anything he says - I know that I could get there if he could only show me CONSISTENTLY that he is trying to regain my trust. I know I shouldn't bombard him with my feelings or tell him what to do. I have asked him for proof that it's over but have not been given anything yet. I fear using the AFTER the LRT because I don't know if I can follow through. I don't really understand what I need to do in this case.
Peter, what made you FINALLY give up the OW and sincerely want to save your M?
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Everyone here is right - you need to BE the person you want your W to believe you are. Words mean nothing, telling her your feelings are not going to convince her and you can easily sound like you are trying to make her pity you and give you a chance b/c she feels guilty or responsible for making you happy. Actions, actions, actions are the only things that matter and the only way you can reach her. And it will take a very, very long time for those actions, if you are consistent and unwaivering, to make a difference. If you truly want to get your W back, you have to work on yourself, be the person she would risk taking a chance on, because it feels like a huge risk to allow yourself to believe in someone who has failed you over and over again. I know this with every fibre of my being.
SPM asked
Quote:
Why the change of heart in you? Why? why did you not put a stop to it 3 months earlier? a year earlier? 2 years and 364 days earlier? Why now? Why this time, when your W already knew about the affair, why did this information make you want to quit?
I know I asked you this question myself before but I didn't really get an answer, so I'm hoping you can enlighten me too, b/c I think that my H is still seeing OW. It's been nearly 3 mos since the last time he told me it was over (which was the third time he said this same thing to me), which happened after I used the LRT. But recently his actions are not matching up with his words and I'm getting that gut feeling that things are not right.
In fact, I would appreciate any response from anyone on this thread about what to do when you think the A is still ongoing, but your S says they want to save the M and MOST of their actions show this too. How do I get him to end the A without coming out an accusing him, since I have no proof, just little clues that point in that direction. I don't want to make him feel that I will never trust him or believe anything he says - I know that I could get there if he could only show me CONSISTENTLY that he is trying to regain my trust. I know I shouldn't bombard him with my feelings or tell him what to do. I have asked him for proof that it's over but have not been given anything yet. I fear using the AFTER the LRT because I don't know if I can follow through. I don't really understand what I need to do in this case.
Peter, what made you FINALLY give up the OW and sincerely want to save your M?
FA
Thank you for this response. I know I need to be the person that I want my W to believe I am. I know her my words mean nothing and truly am being the person I want her to believe that I am. In fact, since I got your post yesterday I have been trying to not act guilty or upset. I am dropping my W and kiddies off at the airport today for them to go see her parents. I am staying in our house for three extra days so I can go to my doctor. I am sure that this makes her uncomfortable, but I need to see my Dr. I have NO intention of doing anything other than being in this house and watching TV. I have worked too hard to screw anything up. I know with every ounce that I am that I want to be a husband and a father in this family.
I thought I answered the question previously, but I am will try to do so again. Why the change in heart?? It never was a change in heart. I wanted the affair over from the beginning and have been tormented by guilt. I took my W for granted, no doubt about it. After the Oct. blow up I had my ah-hah moment that enough was enough. I had lost my own family and my W and kids and I wasn't leading a life of integrity and honesty that I wanted to. I was living a lie. The A was dieing but I didn't step up and do anything about it. I was scared to take a risk. The A was wrong and it was wrong from the day it started. I made the decision to have one. My Xmas wish last year was that at the end of this year the A would be over, I would have a new job and we would have moved. Well, all of that happened. It was ugly at the end. A year ago I would have told you that was exactly what she would have wanted too. I believe that to still be the case. But, as DR and DB say, the lying hurt her. No MORE.
On Xmas eve service I asked to pray with a minister to help me find forgiveness for myself. I am taking ownership of my life and I love it.
I am scared about how I will be when I drop W and kids off today at the airport. Just being honest. I leave on Monday to go back to the east coast. there is a fare sale right now and I would like to ask if I can get a couple of tickets to come home to see her and the kids.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day. I am going to back to my kids as I only have another four or five hours with them:-(
I would suggest that rather than ask your wife if you can come back - tell her. Say, I am coming back on X date(s) to see my kids. Whether or not your R works with her, you have a *responsiblity* to be in the lives of your children. And then when you come back - focus on the kids. They need their Dad. My H grew up without one and he would have loved it if his Dad and Mom could have put aside their differences so he could have a R with his father. You are important to them and you MUST MUST MUST have a presence in their lives. It's not up to her whether or not you have a presence in their lives, it's up to YOU.
Don't ask her what you should do - just DO the RIGHT thing.
Edited to say this: Your kids must miss you as much as you miss them. If you set the dates now it will give them something to look forward to also. This may help them cope with the "loss" of their dad.
Last edited by ediemarie; 12/28/0703:07 PM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
It never was a change in heart. I wanted the affair over from the beginning and have been tormented by guilt. I took my W for granted, no doubt about it.
My h has said the same thing. It never felt good, but was something that happened and then once in the midst of it all couldn't get out of it. It happens - a lot. It's a series of bad decisions that lands you in a heap of trouble. Working your way out of is difficult.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Thanks for the encouragement. I just dont want to surprise her because the lies previously were surprises and they didn't work for sure.
I have been thinking.....I know everyone says that the W must have proof that the A is over. When we had our blowup I ended it the next night in anger, anger with myself. I have had NO contact since then. I have waited to change my cell only because at work we got a new contract just a week or so ago and I want to cancel this phone. And, where I am living out east, I plan to move in with my sister while I am fighting for W. I want to tell her these things, but again, they are just words.
Four hours till they leave. I am looking forward to some time to just sleep, and be in OUR house, the home we built together. I want to just be here and feel it. I feel so close to my family and don't want them to leave today. However, she is going to see her family and is looking forward to it and I hope she has a GREAT time.
Edie is right, you must make yourself an important part of your children's lives. They need you more than you can imagine. And in doing so you will show your W that family is very important to you.
When I discovered my H's A, I felt like he had rejected not only me but our family, that he had chosen to begin a new, different life b/c the one he had wasn't good enough. It was a terrible feeling b/c for me, my family is my world, the most important thing in my life, and I believed it was for him too.
My hope is that through our D we can both rediscover the importance of being a family, the comfort, the fun, the security, the acceptance. Children have a way of bringing people together. No matter what happens with your W, you will always be a father - hold onto that, make it special - and you will always have a connection with your W. Buy the ticket, stay in a nearby hotel if you have to, but spend as much time as you can with your kids.
About proof, that is something that I struggle with myself. What kind of proof would you give your W? Words aren't doing it for me, so I doubt they would for your W. That is the problem with so much lying - no matter what my H says, there is always that flicker of doubt, the thought that he is lying to me. A breach of faith is the most difficult thing to repair. It was a lesson my father tried to teach me as a young child, but until my H's A, I never truly realized how deception can destroy everything. I had asked my H for proof, but in my heart I know that any proof can be faked, forged, retracted, like a phone call to the OW saying he didn't mean it, or whatever. So maybe time and seeing the changes in you over a long period of time is the only real proof you can give her.
Quote:
My h has said the same thing. It never felt good, but was something that happened and then once in the midst of it all couldn't get out of it.
This I don't understand. How do you get into something that causes so much pain and makes you feel you can't get out if it NEVER felt good? I can appreciate the "addictive" aspect of an A, so the A must have felt good in some respect in order for it to continue. It makes me feel sick thinking that my H got pleasure from his A, but it must be true otherwise he would have ended it sooner. I think it's naive to believe otherwise. The thing is to figure out what it was about the A that felt good and inject that into your M. Was it new and/or exciting sex (or more of it)? Was it that the OW made you feel special? Was it that you didn't like who you were wanted to be someone else and an A gave you the freedom to reinvent yourself? I think for my H it was the last two. Of course, your W is not in a position to give you anything right now, but if you figure it out then if and when your W is ready, you can talk about that.
Keep working on yourself and being the best dad you can be.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
I just dont want to surprise her because the lies previously were surprises and they didn't work for sure.
What do you mean by this? I'm thinking that you mean you don't want to surprise her by coming out to see them. I wasn't suggesting that you surprise her, I was suggesting that YOU make a plan to see your kids on a regular basis. Don't just show up. Tell your W that you want to see your kids X amount of times each month and that you are going to do so by flying out X amount times. It shouldn't be a surprise. It should be something that she can DEPEND on. You need to operate like clockwork - every action of yours has to be deliberate, consistant, and reliable. Make a plan to be apart of your kids lives.
Quote:
My h has said the same thing. It never felt good, but was something that happened and then once in the midst of it all couldn't get out of it.
Up until this point in my H's life he had never lived a life of lying and deceit. It wasn't in him. He was active in our church and a very trustworthy person. While he did relate well to OW and enjoyed the companionship she offered him, he knew what he was doing was wrong and sinful. But he was mired in it. Did he make these choices? Yes. Did he cause his own pain? Yes. Is he to blame? Yes. But the fleeting moments of pleasure were far outweighed by the distress of the guilt for living a double life. He was miserable. I remember him being miserable. It wasn't until I allowed him to handle this problem in his own way that he started to become un-miserable and begin to heal himself and our R.
Last edited by ediemarie; 12/28/0709:23 PM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Hi. Thanks for the note. You have definitely given me something to think about.
The goodbye went smoothly at the airport. I played with my kids up until the second they left. I kissed them and hugged them and thanked W for making the holiday so special and told her that I had a great time. I tried so hard to not be pathetic. I told her I meant everything I said in her xmas card, which was just a short note from me.
I had a GREAT visit with my family here. I loved every second of us being together. We at dinner together every night and put the kids to bed together, played a couple of came straight home, rented a movie, and went to bed. I called her when she landed so she could see I was home. I texted her around 10 PM and told here again that I an home and asked that she please call, so she could see for herself. I wanted to call to her parents house directly but it was 11 PM and I didn't want to wake the entire house.
When I woke up this morning I did the same thing. I am doing everything that I can to show her I am home and alone, by myself. I want her to believe me and I want her to be able to depend on me. I do NOT want to abandon her or my kids. I thought of only myself for so long, and now all I can think about is my beautiful W and our children. I welcome the challenge of proving myself to her, I always have.
Anyway, I just wanted to share with those of you that have been reading this thread. I miss the pitter patter of little feet and I miss her perfume and voice. Really, what I miss the most is us. I know the missing piece in my life, the investments I didn't make, have been my W and my family. I am fighting for her, and I wont stop!!!!!!!!
I am in the Blaine area. W and kids went to NY to see her family for a week. I called last night and today to let her know I was alive and well and being EXACTLY where I said I am going to be. Amazingly, now that I have my head out of my ass, the hardest part is being away from her. I miss her and the kids and us being together so much it just kills me. I can't even begin to understand what I have put her through these last three years.
