when will I ever learn? just typed out a long reply on my previous thread and it locked on me, and poof, my reply disappeared.
in a nutshell, I did a lot of thinking while out and about tonight. trying to reprocess what I have read so far in crucial conversations. trying to remember the respect for h, even when I don't agree. and the more I thought about it, the more I just realized that he did the best he could do with who he is at the moment. he opted for the easiest path...the one that was easiest in the now. call it fog, call it childishness, call it whatever you want, its who he is, and as such, I shouldn't have expected more from him. I have done the best I could at each stage...from my pre-db hysteria, to my db as if behavior, to now. when I know better, I do better. maybe someday he will, too. maybe not. his call on that...he may always be this way. knowing that, I shouldn't expect differently.
anyway, that's the jist of it.
I'm feeling pretty good. again, there will be hard moments ahead. devastating ones. but I feel good now...and feel content now...as content as I can feel, anyway.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Morgan-- I have only been half a step ahead of you, I swear. I so wish it was different. But it isn't, is it? In the end, though, we are going to end up ok.
We kept our integrity and our vows. We loved our men. We were human and made mistakes, but tried to right the wrongs. We fought long and hard for what we knew was best for our families and what we ourselves wanted so desperately.
In the end, we didn't get what we wanted. But I think you and I, friend, have gained so much more. More insight and acceptance for who we are and what we need. No more complacency, but thankfulness for every day and the good that does fill our lives. Being able to wake up and look ourselves in the mirror, look into the sweet faces of our children, and know that we have earned the respect of the only people who really matter--ourselves and our kids.
Someone at AlAnon tonight talked about being tested by the cosmos vs the Laws of Attraction/the Secret. I'm not sure of an answer to such a philosophical idea, but I do feel that certain people and events have kind of "dropped in my lap" through this mess, just when I needed it most. Is it coincidence? I am beginning to think that no, it happened for a purpose, that there was some design to it that I just can't see yet. This coming from a practical agnostic not that very long ago...
Take care of Morgan. I am glad that you got the anger out--I turned all of mine inward and it turned into depression. It will either hurt you or someone else, so better it be directed at the person who deserves it.
hey all, thanks for the kind words. yes, I slept, well, some, last night. not enough, but better.
I ended up snuggling under a throw and watching a couple of eps of Cold Feet last night (had to see what happened when on the eps following the baby-drop-off). really painful to watch, but not so much that I can't. I just wanted to give her a hug. they are doing a really good job with it I think.
ended up falling asleep eventually, a little later than I'd like, but still by midnight. was up at 5am. woke up from a dream...okay, tmi here, but in it I had finally decided to go ahead and sleep with someone (other than my h) for the first time in 14 years. it was weird, it didn't get too detailed, we had just started kissing (no idea who the guy is, btw) and I remember thinking it was really weird kissing someone else...just different. I was comparing techniques, I think. lol. anyway, I woke up before, well, before. just woke up. gee, think even my subconcious isn't ready to go further yet? lol.
anyway, I lay in bed for a bit just reflecting on things a bit. I still feel okay today. am wondering if it is just a high and if I will come down off of it, like I did with the scary ep the other day? Its not intense like that, don't get me wrong. more like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I do know tough/sad days are ahead of me on occasion, but I'm afraid the peace I feel will fade. or maybe it will just grow, with little bumps here and there. kind of hoping for the latter.
the kids and I have had a nice morning. the twins were up first and we were having fun snuggling on the couch and talking halloween things. I had them laughing so hard pretending that s3's bear was trick or treating, singing a candy song along the way. fun to just have fun with them. they are so awesome. S3 didn't to trick or treating last year, it really scared him, so he stayed home with the grandmas who had come over. this year he says he is going, but I can already tell he's getting nervous. he timidly asked if I would hold his hand and stay with him when we went. absolutley, buddy.
H called a bit ago. I think there is a part of me that still wants him to regret his choices, to realize the error of his ways, to realize that he is, indeed, losing a good thing by letting me go. so I was a wee bit annoyed (barely niggled, nothing major) that he sounded so as if/upbeat/chipper. I guess I want him to feel just a little bit sad about it all. but hey, maybe someday he will, maybe he won't. but regardless of my fantasies, he sounded fine. and I sounded fine. and I will move on. the distance I am keeping will help. for a second, though, I felt a small amount of weight coming back onto my shoulders, but I brushed it off, and stood tall again.
I just miss him sometimes. I miss the man I knew, the man I loved. I miss him.
ahhh, well, other fish in that calmblueocean, right?
and honestly, as much as I miss the companionship ( and yeah, I hear you all yelling, the sex), I am pretty content on my own right now.
Last edited by morgan; 10/31/0712:10 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
LWB - that's just what having a H is about!!! I went to see my C yesterday and he asked my how I was doing and I said fine........then paused .........and said.......for the last fortnight I have wanted to slap my H - I don't know exactly why - I have just wanted to!!!! H looked really upset when I admitted that to him last night. I was just gobsmacked he hadn't noticed!!!
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
