Rejected when young and restless?

[hurtandlost]

I see that there are always very good books recommendations around here and that probably we've all read everything we could but I just wanted to share this part of a book with you.Unfortunately it is not in English but it was very interesting.

It said that some people betray because when they were teenagers and started to experience their sexuality they felt rejected by the world they lived in and did not get what they expected. They married but when someone unexpected gets closer, they are reminded of this rejection and try to compensate.Their low self esteem makes them "sexual beggars" and it is hard for them to say no.They did not learn that from the past.

It also says that there are two kind of cheaters: the ones that can love a person and the ones that just love to be in love. The first type divide their worlds by the people that are lovable and the ones that are not. They can put their bondage expectations temporarily on someone else when they are going through a hard time in their lives since the current person they are sharing with them reminds these hard times. The second type feel something is missing because loving involves two people and they just love to be in love not another person. They blame their marriages for this feel and uses affairs as a medicine against depression.There is a sub-type as well, the ones that have affairs because they need to be constantly reminded of their manhood or womanhood.They pretend they are looking for someone better than their spouses but the fact is they don't care about any other person, not even the OP, at all they just care about themselves and constant validation.

Usually people that have affairs are not completely mature emotionally and lacks self knowledge. The book also says that if no step is taken towards maturing their emotional side they will always be unhappy no matter with whom they are with and the moments they think are magic outside a significant relationship will be always temporary insanity.

[Yoyowife]

Hurt,
I found this very interesting. There is a book called Make up, don't break up. It also explores the idea that something happened in their childhood, unfinished business that caused the affair.

[hurtandlost]

Yes, when I read these things I keep wondering that either my parents did an excellent job and I was blessed or if I am dysfunctional also to accept this situation.

[Yoyowife]

The odd thing is that I found out a lot about my H's childhood and family from one of his aunts by marriage after this happened. He definitely had some odd things in his background.

[JAK58]

I know my H's family is not very loving. H's Mom is actually kind of frigid. His Dad was an alcoholic and would take off for weeks at a time. His two other brothers one older and one younger have both been in a MLC.Older brother's wife took him back after he left to live with OW but younger left his fiance' and married his OW and he is not happy you can tell.

Just a F##ked up life growing up. I thought H was one that was more grounded, guess I was wrong.

JAK

[Concerned_Listener]

H&L,
Thanks for sharing. We LBS are so busy DBing, we don't stop to think about what the WAS's underlying issues might be.

The author of my marital self-help book, states that our W's are wounded for different reasons. He's referring to woman, but his advice applies to H's and W's. Our responsibility as a spouse is to support them in their growth.

His words have helped me to work on being less judgmental of my W, and work on being more patient with her. I would grade myself a C- as a H, prior to the separation. I think I'm a solid B now, but still have much practice to do.

CL