Here is my sitch sitch.... mainly just read the last page....
here is what I found out..
back on after a weekend....bad news the worst i have ever heard. _Me you were right, she did have an affair but I also found out that she was seeing someone else for 8 months before we got married. I used to look at my wife and see nothing but beauty but now all I can see is her uglyness. I am going to confront her about all of these and see if she will tell me the truth then, I am trying to go upto see her but she will not let me. I am so mad and angry at her for this but why am I so stuck on saving the marriage? Why do I phucking hate her but love her? Maybe it was just sex, or maybe she liked the company when I couldnt be there, or maybe she never really loved me. How do I handle this information, I have not ate or sleep in 2 days...it's like nothing matters anymore. Im thinking about going to see a DR and maybe get some anti-depressants. I went to my counselor yesterday morning and she isnt helping me, so I may need to find another counselor. it seems like my life is falling apart and I can not hold up all of the bricks and Im starting to get buried.
but I made the biggest mistake ever...I tried to contact the guy she had the fling with before we got married...and I think that he told her...she really really pissed at me..and I just made things worse for me...why did I do?
OK... I have read (most of) your other thread. Permit me to weigh-in.
Dude, you are desparate. You are clinging to her like monkeys at the zoo. If you want to appear attractive to her, stop chasing her. Tell her you do not want to visit her, that you are just too busy. Ask her when she is going to visit you... then tell her that date won't work because you have plans (now, don't just make this stuff up - have something actually planned, or at least in the back of your mind as something to do).
I know, I know, this is totally counter-intuitive. You are saying, "If I want her back, why would I tell her I'm too busy to visit her, or tell her I'm too busy for her to visit me?" Exactly. The answer is right there. You want her to see that you have moved on.
Now... next dilema. She wants to file yesterday. Here is how I would respond to that: "I'm still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I'm going to need some time to digest all of this. What is the reason you are in such a big hurry to run to the courthouse?" Of course, her answer will be, "I'm not in a hurry!!"
Regarding the contact you made with this other man, while I agree it was a mistake, it's not the end. If she "calls you out," your response should be, "hey, I was just confirming my suspicions. Why are you so angry?"
Contacting the OM was a sign of desparation and clinging (hey, BTDT.... I sent two emails to my wife's boyfriend). But you have to create separation between the two of you. And the way to do that is GAL. You have been around long enough to know what GAL is. Now, just go and do it. Join a club, take karate, cooking class, skydive, exercise class... and if women are in the class, all the better. It will make her think.
One more thing. GO DARK. Do not call her. Do not text her. Do not email her. If she calls you, do not answer. If she calls a second time (immediately after the first), answer - it may be an emergency. Only call her if she requests that you do so via voice mail, text, or email. Remember, you are just too damned busy to call her..... right?
Mark has hit it all on the nose. For your own sanity, you need to start GAL. Going dark is the best thing right now.
Personally, I needed the anti-depressants. I wouldn't feel bad about doing that if you feel you need to.
I'm to the point now where I've come back off of them. We'll see how that goes.
Good luck and keep posting... lots of folks here can help.
BTW... BTDT as well.. Text message with W's BF. Didn't do me any good. Didn't hurt the situation either. For my W I think she liked that I fought for her a little. Anyways..
Couple more things.... does your wife check your myspace page (I bet she's linked, and every time you change your pic, she looks...)? Reason I ask.... there more than a few fetching ladies out there in DB land who have myspace pages that would probably not mind being linked to your page. First step: add me as a friend: http://www.myspace.com/morepolka
All of my friends linked to my myspace page except one (Amy) is a DBer. So go ahead and invite them. You have nothing to lose. Their pictures will look so nice on [i] your [i] myspace page... and if your wife sees this.... hmmm....
Next (and much more importantly), in reading your thread, I sense that you have anchored your happiness to the love and acceptance of your wife. This is dangerous for anybody in any marriage. So, as difficult as it may be, you need to get to the point where you honestly believe that your own happiness is not contingent on the love and acceptance of your wife. You need to get there.
How? Start with those GALs. Go out. You don't have kids, so those of us who do envy the flexibility that you have. Dude, you are out of excuses. None are gonna fly with me.... so go do stuff. Do not sit around the house pouting. Get out and GAL.
My 2 cents (and it's the same). Yeah, it was a difficult realization for me to see how dependent I was on W's love and support. Part of being married is receiving this of course but it cannot be the only source of fulfillment and confidence in life.
I know this, but have yet to fully live it.
I spoke to my wife's OM on phone, text messages, email and in the online game where she met him. Funny enough, he's a nice guy AND he ended it (sometimes wish I didn't interfere but I'm not sure I did any additional harm to US).
AND trying to GAL with kids! That was a tough one for me. I suddenly realized that they are part of my life so I've been trying to GALWK (with kids) as well as normal GAL. W can join in anytime she wants. Aside from pumpkin picking, she's been sadly absent.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
OK... I have read (most of) your other thread. Permit me to weigh-in.
Dude, you are desparate. You are clinging to her like monkeys at the zoo. If you want to appear attractive to her, stop chasing her. Tell her you do not want to visit her, that you are just too busy. Ask her when she is going to visit you... then tell her that date won't work because you have plans (now, don't just make this stuff up - have something actually planned, or at least in the back of your mind as something to do).
I know, I know, this is totally counter-intuitive. You are saying, "If I want her back, why would I tell her I'm too busy to visit her, or tell her I'm too busy for her to visit me?" Exactly. The answer is right there. You want her to see that you have moved on.
Now... next dilema. She wants to file yesterday. Here is how I would respond to that: "I'm still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I'm going to need some time to digest all of this. What is the reason you are in such a big hurry to run to the courthouse?" Of course, her answer will be, "I'm not in a hurry!!"
Regarding the contact you made with this other man, while I agree it was a mistake, it's not the end. If she "calls you out," your response should be, "hey, I was just confirming my suspicions. Why are you so angry?"
Contacting the OM was a sign of desparation and clinging (hey, BTDT.... I sent two emails to my wife's boyfriend). But you have to create separation between the two of you. And the way to do that is GAL. You have been around long enough to know what GAL is. Now, just go and do it. Join a club, take karate, cooking class, skydive, exercise class... and if women are in the class, all the better. It will make her think.
One more thing. GO DARK. Do not call her. Do not text her. Do not email her. If she calls you, do not answer. If she calls a second time (immediately after the first), answer - it may be an emergency. Only call her if she requests that you do so via voice mail, text, or email. Remember, you are just too damned busy to call her..... right?
what is GAL and BTDT? Im still learning the lingo...
I know that I am clinging to her...she has always been there for me and helped me with situations and now she isnt. Well she is coming to back into town on 11/10. She is getting a new car, which is news to me and she agreed to talk to me then. We have a trip planned for Denver in Dec. and i really want her to go. So you're saying make myself available but only when I want to be? Last night I told her that we needed to talk and asked if I can come up...she said no, because she is too busy with work. She called me 4 times and I answered on the 5th. She wanted to know what I wanted to talk about and she doesnt want to hear the same things over and over. As far as I know she is still coming down to get her car and have our talk. If im not there that will not faze her at all. she will just get the rest of her things and head back to work in Michigan. Im afraid that she will file on the 10th also, then if I do not sign them then she will not go to Denver..but really Im not ready to sign. I have asked her what's the rush and she told me that she is ready to move on with her life and wants this to be over with. also about going Dark, she would have it that way anyways. She wouldnt want me to call, text, or see her. When she does call (nearly never) but when she does I do not answer. I always have her leave a message or send me a text. Then I'll call her back. So pretend that I am way to busy to talk? Again that will not faze her...but from here on out I will try that out..
[/quote] what is GAL and BTDT? Im still learning the lingo... [/quote]
GAL = Get A Life (do something for YOU. Something you enjoy. If you don't have anything, find something. This is vital to preserving your sanity and self-esteem. In short: Go Live YOUR Life)
BTDT = Been There, Done That
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
GAL = get a life. It's where you focus on what you want to do, or have always wanted to do. I am taking flying lessons: something I have always wanted to do. Find your calling. Then go do it.
[/quote] what is GAL and BTDT? Im still learning the lingo...
GAL = Get A Life (do something for YOU. Something you enjoy. If you don't have anything, find something. This is vital to preserving your sanity and self-esteem. In short: Go Live YOUR Life)
BTDT = Been There, Done That[/quote]
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
GAL = get a life. It's where you focus on what you want to do, or have always wanted to do. I am taking flying lessons: something I have always wanted to do. Find your calling. Then go do it.
BTDT = been there, done that.
Oh okay, thanks guys. I have scheduled for classes for next quater, I really want to finish my degree. Also I've always wanted to go to Denver and I am with her in December. I am starting to work out more and read books. I have been playing video games again, man I miss how much fun that was, like being a kid again. I went to several parties lately and I have meet some new people. I still wear my wedding ring so I'm somewhat nevous that other women till not talk to me.
Your myspace page screams that you are desparate. Get rid of all that "woe is me" brokenhearted crap.
Break away. Let go. You will not get her back until you do so.
Regarding things that you don't think will phase her... I used to think the same thing. Until the wife started dropping little comments.
Look, she's gonna do what she's gonna do, and there is nothing you can do to stop her. So you might as well salvage some dignity along the way. I'm here to tell you, there is no dignity in being clingy...
