HI VS you will get lots of support and ideas here on how to handle your H.. Mlc does take time..Ive been going thru this for many months and in some ways it gets easier..pain lessens..Friendship happens with H thru DB..Making them feel safe, validating and venting to others-- not them..all help Just take care of yourself..cry if needbe..just do it alone..give H space.. peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Jack, If age doesn't have anything to do with a MLC, what criteria do you use? Can a 25 year old have a MLC? Can a 60 year old? I thought the word "Mid", was about the middle of one's life? Please explain, I need to know if my W is going through one, but I'm not sure how to tell? Thanks.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
VS, You've been together since you were 18?! Sounds like a MLC to me. See what happens. Does your state require a timeframe before divorce? Try and slow it down if you want to. Study Michele's books and books on adultery. Think about what you 180 will be.
You are going to obsess, every second, every minute. Just breathe and think of the bigger picture and what you want to achieve. Take care of yourself.
If you find that you are truly having a hard time, consider going to your own therapist and / or seeing your family doctor for anti-depressents or anti-anxiety meds. There are also holistic alternatives to these as well.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Hi everyone - Thank you so much for all of your great advice, it helps to have people who can relate to what I'm going through. I do have another question that I'm hoping someone can help me with I had posted the question on another post but since now I believe my H is in MLC I thought I should ask it here. Anyway since March when my H told me he's not in love with me anymore he has not called me by my name he just says "hey" but never my name so I was wondering if that has happened to anyone else or if anyone can shed some light on why he's doing that. Also I wanted to add that on Monday night my H came home from work ate dinner and was talking to me a bit just about general stuff but he was talking so I thought it was a good sign but then last night he didn't get home until after midnight, didn't eat dinner and just went to bed (in another room of course). Anyway it just killed me because I thought that after monday night we were starting towards something positive but then after last night I feel like I'm right back where I was before. He did tell me in September that he was seeing someone at work but he said it wasn't physical and my H was never the type to pick up women because when we first got together years ago I was the one to pursue him because he was very quiet and shy so I wasn't quite sure if he was lying to me about OW because I kept bothering him about saving our R. I dont understand why one day he seems a little bit nice and the next day he's very distant and secretive. I'm trying to stall the D but I did see a L because he kept telling me to get one. I just dont know what to do anymore I have tried to give him space and not talk about R but it doesn't seem to help I feel like we are more distant then ever. I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me. Thank you so much for listening.
Hi everyone - I had another question that I wanted to ask but forgot to put in my last post. Does anyone know if the person going through MLC feels any guilt or feels bad about what they are doing to their spouse while they are in MLC? I mean do they feel bad about affairs or mean things they say to their spouse while they are still in MLC. I'm just wondering because it seems like it doesn't bother my H at all and I would like to think that he does feel bad but is just putting on an act. I'm just having another very sad day and I guess with the holidays coming up I'm just feeling very very very sad.
Hi VS, Have you read the resources threads at the top of the MLC Forum? Both of your questions are answered there and many others.
You have to come to the realization that someone having a MLC is all over the place emotionally. Their emotions can change minute to minute let alone day to day. They feel horrible and depressed and thus the replay behaviors. They are trying to do anything they can to feel better. It is not an act. To them this is their reality. To them it is all about "me, me, me".
Please read all of the resources. The more you understand about MLC the easier it is to detach. this is a very long, hard journey to take. Chances are very good that things are going to get worse before they start to get better. MLC is usually measured in years not months. I know how hard it is to accept that. I remember thinking that this or that would wake my H up. Of course they didn't. 3 1/2 years later there still isn't much in the way of progress where he is concerned. I wish that there were easier answers for you but there just aren't.
When you are sad allow yourself to cry. Find a quiet place where you can be alone and let the tears flow. Allow yourself to grieve. It is so important for you to experience the feelings and learn to deal with them. Just keep them from your H because he can't handle his own emotions and he really can't handle yours.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
If a person is in a classic full blown mlc, they will take you on the roller coaster ride from hell ... daily.
If they are really mlc, they will feel guilt, for a moment. And they will act out angrily at the source. They don't believe they should be made to feel guilty for wanting THEIR life.
Never try to use guilt on them to affect them. It is same as kicking them in the privates and expecting them to want more.
I just read through some of your posts. As for what's going on with your H, I don't know. I have never seen your H and I have not known the person all along. What I do know is this. Before the s**t hits the fans (and this is based on my dealings with people from the board), spouses are one way before it hits and another after. I can't diagnose (nor can anyone else) MLC from your posts. In my case, one it hit, there was a total chance and it took a bit of time and retrospect to see signs were there all along.
But you ask for advise. First, you don't have to have an attorney to be served D papers. So I don't know why his attorney wants you to get an attorney. I am divorced and never hired an attorney because my situation was simple and I said change this and it was changed. Having said that, it is good that you have an attorney. Also, since your attorney said there are no grounds, and knowing you do not want this, I would listen to his advice.
You will find that I don't like the MLC defense around here (yes, there is an MLC, but you are looking for solutions). The reason is simple. It makes this all about the H and remember it takes two to tango. First, you have to see what your role is in all of this. maybe it is nothing. Maybe you didn't see the signs. Again, I do not know. And anyone who tells you they do is full of baloney because there just isn't enough info for any of us to know. Looking in the mirror is key to your recovery no matter what happens.
Now, what about you. Yes. You are very sad and I understand that. It is very difficult to be in your situation having been there before. But let me ask you a question. If you think you want to leave a marriage, would you be inclined to change your mind with a sad spouse. I think not. So, it is of utmost importance that you develop a positive attitude towards life. You need to become strong. Yes, it isn't easy. But no strength isn't going to help.
I am not saying you can flip a switch, but since you read DB, you will recognize one of the key points is the notion of detachment. The reason for this is simple. You need to remove yourself from his gyrations. You are trying to figure something out, but you don't know what it really is. So MLC or no MLC, what do you have. You have your life as is. What is most likely to give you the best chance of success - worrying about eveything he does or worrying about the things you control. Because the DB book makes it very clear that you cannot control what someone else does, rather only what you do. All the concepts and ideas in the world won't help if you can't control your emotions. So that is your first decision to control your emotions and to live your life as is to the best of your ability.
Also, if you want to know about MLC, I suggest the Conway site. It has everything you need to know about MLC. But I caution you, many people have some symptoms, even healthy people. Conway has experience with working with people that people here lack.
Good luck. DB is about solutions, not unsubstantiated concepts or ideas any nut could post to an Internet site.
Please have patience --- your husband has no idea what is happening to him --- he is in a different stage in his life --- he does not comprehend reality --- YOU HAVE TO BE THE ADULT IN YOUR HOUSE --- trust me ----for me -this nightmare started a year ago and I have educated myself and my children on mlc (D19, S15, H49.currently 12 years old....he comes & goes... wears A&F, American Eagle, Urban Outfitter clothes.... I have asked my children not to make fun of him & to take care of him because he has no idea what he is doing & how ridiculous he looks). Today I spent THANKSGIVING on my own --- I sent my children over to H(they have more sense then he does..... I asked them to take care of him and make him happy) I have learnt to step back & watch his behaviour.... it is amazing.....by not retaliating I have observed my husband as 5-15 years over the past year. My initial anger has now turned to empathy - I cannot help H except to be patient & kind to him..... no matter how mean he is to me.... I have come to realise that he is not angry with me........ I suspect because of MLC he is re-living a period in his life which was blocked out because it was so painful....It is important for him to go back to that time in order to heal himself...... I have no doubt that he will get through this .....I have zero expectations.....I am looking at this bizarre behaviour for another 2 years..... I am focusing on me and treating this as a long vacation. My daughter asked me why I tolerate his behaviour....she too gets fed up with his him --- I in turn asked her if she would abandon her dad if he had Alzeimerss????
