detaching vs giving up

[forward]

Well, my sitch is summarized in footer.

I have begun to contemplate the idea of divorce and it is starting to lose its emotional impact on me. It is still upsetting but at the same time, I think to myself, Well, at least this would be over.

My new life (GAL) is going OK. I am still trying to get out, make more friends, and have a support network. It is happening, but slowly.

Now I am so tired of feeling rejected and unwanted. I've decided to give things more time, but at the same time, I feel like I do not want to "try" any more. Then I thought, well, maybe "trying" is part of the problem here.

So my question is, what does detaching look like, versus giving up?

[attorneytom]

Hi B39 !

A good question.. and I dont know if this is a good answer but I shall try ?

I did both... but I gave up first in my sitch.. I just said enough was enough ? for ME ? Then when it came to the kids and my xw's interactions.. or lack thereof.. I detached.

Giving up = I am done thinking of this person as my spouse and it was time to move on and be Tom ?

Detachment= Letting my xw do her thing.. whatever it was.. and not being concerned about it. The emotional entanglement disappeared.

There seemed to be a fine line for me.. I hope that helps ?

Tom

[kissak]

Im struggling with that also...

I dont know if I want to give up but at the same time, Im tired of this almost like waiting game.

[celestial]

I feel like I do not want to "try" any more. Then I thought, well, maybe "trying" is part of the problem here.

It could be, so stop trying instead of giving up. Or act 'as if" he doesn`t exsist. Put your sitch on your back burner for now.

Celestial

[forward]

All right...I am realizing I don't want to go to another mediation. It seemed to bring a little progress but I don't feel like dealing with that now.

I will cancel it. I want to take D2 to my office party anyway.

[Rollercoasterider]

Breton,

I have begun to contemplate the idea of divorce ... I think to myself, Well, at least this would be over.

It is a misconception that a legal divorce means it is over...ask Laughing. For her it is over in that she will not take her former spouse back, but he is constantly draggiing her back to court, trying to keeo her focus on him. And it is not over for those who are Standing and do not want a divorce.

Part of it may be over...the part where you decide you will not take him back someday. But you have a child together. He may choose to be cordial, but he will always be in your life.

Now I am so tired of feeling rejected and unwanted.

How do you personally feel about your Self? MLCer also do not want to be or feel rejected, but the irony is it is there own Self they are rejecting. The pain is that it often manifests publicly as a rejection of their spouse, but that is merely a projection.

Accepting and loving your Self can help you or even prevent you from feeling rejected. Throughout Sweetheart's 6 in/outs I never felt rejected, unloved, unworthy. I always felt lovable, sey, beautiful, successful, confident etc. I have and had moments of sadness, frustration, anger etc. But I knew his crisis was not my crisis; it was not personal.

So think about how you feel about yourself and measure from there.

I feel like I do not want to "try" any more. Then I thought, well, maybe "trying" is part of the problem here.

Trying presupposed failure; it gives a person an excuse to not succeed. Thus yes, it is part of the problem.

So my question is, what does detaching look like, versus giving up?

Detachment is what I call a Releaser. It is the first stage of the Releasers. The next stages are Letting-Go and Surrender.
So waht is this regarding giving up[i/]? Giving up is a [i] can't. It is a whine. I'm not capable, it's too hard. And it is something you can choose to do if you do not want to take him back. It is vastly different than giving in; which is surrender. Surrender to God, the crisis. Accept. Instead of fighting against the current, give in to it and allow it to carry you, trust that it willcarry you SAFELY to where you are meant to go.

HUGS,
RCR

[Cinderellaman]

If I may, I would very much like to compliment you on this WONDERFUL post RCR !!! Your wisdom on the subject is incredible and it amazes me how you can always shine with HOPE !!! Thank you ! xxx

[angelica]

RCR posted

The pain is that it often manifests publicly as a rejection of their spouse, but that is merely a projection.

YES!!!! That is so true. In fact many of them abandon because they are so afraid of being abandoned. They feel so unloveable, and unlovely.

We take it sooo personally - and I am very guilty of this. I 'know' that I am strong and lovely and desirable, but a bit of me takes myself at h's apparent evaluation. So I have allowed his sickness to diminish me. How stupid is that??

If someone attacks you you don't feel it is your fault, but the subtle nature of the MLCer's 'abuse' can turn us into abuse victims, if we let it. We need to be aware of the danger, and where it is coming from. We see it as an external attack, but actually it is the enemy within. And that we NEED to fix, MLC spouse or not.

[inmyplace]

breton,

You said:

I've decided to give things more time, but at the same time, I feel like I do not want to "try" any more. Then I thought, well, maybe "trying" is part of the problem here.

That would be a 180. Do something different.

Giving up - if you said you weren't interested in being married to your H, that would be giving up on the marriage. Should you decide this is what you want, that is ok.

Detaching merely means staying out of the fray. Detaching is just living your life as is. Detaching means you don't expect anything from your husband. Detaching is accepting things the way they are. Because when you come right down to it, the only person who can change is your H and he may or may not.

the things you have to do to save your marriage are the same things you have to do if the marriage is not saved. You just have to be the best you can be. You have to do the things you want. You have to set goals for yourself, reagrdless of who is or is not in your life, and go after them. I guarantee you that if you do this, you will be happy.

IMP

[cagzmom]

i am just learning this --trying to put it into action. and it isnt easy..but i have to. i can not survive another six months - or year like i have been.

letting it go to God for real. i have never had control, but acknowledeging it for real -- I CANT GOD!! I give it to YOU!! AND YOU ALONE!

giving up - letting go..giving up sounds like u failed--- letting go sounds like u made a choice for YOU..