My problem is that I have a hard time getting past it. My H did go through some difficult, painful moments when he crashed, but his memory is clouded and he doesn't seem to ( or want to ) recollect the hurtful things he said/did...it's like a blur. And I am cursed with having a vivid memory of it all.
. My husband was over oneday long ago...we were having a rather good conversation. Just so happens that Lissett called or I called her or she was on the phone heck...I don't remember that part, the part I DO REMEMBER is handing him the phone and letting him speak to Lissett.
I heard him telling her of HIS SEXUAL problems...or rather he said they were mine. Something about I watched the clock to see how long it would take him to achieve an orgasm. So he felt he was under scrutiny to perform. Now most women would want it to take awhile.....so I am only going to assume it was something he was dealing with emotionally. I mean...he actually told a stranger on the phone this. _________________________
(sigh)
it scared the bejabbers out of me is fo sho.
I was like WHA?
what do I say now?
I have to say, he was very ready to just talk, talk talk.
I felt bad for him, and Jeanette took a pic of him that day, (I think) and he looked hunched over and so sad.
I just validated and listened (sigh)
we have to DB each other spouses too
I was mortified to say the least But did you also notice that he did not want to listen to anything YOU had to say? He was the victim, I was the culprit. The culprit of what?
If men were more like women and could just open up and talk freely like we do.....there would not be so many problems. Whether it be sexually related or what have you. Women can talk to each other about anything...Heck, BND and I were just comparing zits we are getting as we both have been cycling on the same exact day for 3 months now. We now have twin zits! I wonder if a man could speak so freely and not feel embarrased!?
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Anyway, I remember my H coming up to me somewhere around the new year of 2006 and saying that he wouldn't be bothering me for sex anymore. I was like "what are you talking about".
He said "my guy isn't working, I don't know what is wrong with him".
I was like "Um, you are only 30 years old, if you are having ED problems I think you should go to the doctor".
He said he was too embarrassed to go.
We did have sex a couple of times after he said that and I remember thinking he just wasn't really into it. No emotional connection.
The last time we had sex he couldn't orgasm. I remember taking it so personally. I started to cry and I was leaving the room. H pulled me back into his arms and said "it's not you. I love you so much. I just don't know what's going on with me".
I wonder if his ED problems were from depression or because he was having sex with the ow then. Maybe both.
"it's not you. I love you so much. I just don't know what's going on with me".
Oh...if only my H would say those words to me...just one time...the strength I could gain to hold on...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I honestly believe that depression can have a HUGE (no pun intended guys) impact on ED issues...I know my H was severely depressed...after taking AD's for a while (which btw are known to reduce the libido) he started doing much better in that "area"...
My H started taking meds the day after he left again....now he is with OW...again...I hope the meds aren't affecting his libido.....awwww, that sure would be a shame now wouldnt it????
NOT!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
RJ - I was having a coffee yesterday after a meeting, with a colleague, whose h had a MLC about 12 years ago [She moved on, and is with someone else, and he got therapy, and told me that leaving his wife was the stupidest thing he had ever done, but that is by the way] She said that he didn't remember ANY of the awful things he had said and done, and she found that frightening, and didn't know whether to believe him,, even now. I told her that this, sadly, appears 'normal' for MLC.
Curously, my dealing with it now, is helping her to understand some of what happened to her all those years ago. And I think she is better of with her 'new' man. Hmmmmmm
This is such an interesting post, trying to categorise MLCers who want to ML and those who don’t is a bit beyond me, however, a few thoughts come to mind.
I think the crux of this subject is ‘getting emotional needs met’ – I reckon everyone here is in agreement that that is the MLCers sole mission, even when the MLCer can’t identify themselves just what those needs are.
I only clocked one post from a ‘chap’ on here. He said that there is a big difference between men and women in this area; I believe it is recognised fact that sex is usually a lot higher on the male emotional needs list than the female. Also that generally ‘men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love’.
You mention a couple of times that H treated you like a mother (authority figure), mine was the same and likewise rejecting of any intimacy, he is also a droplet (more of a dribble really) but I think that is just ‘checking in with ‘mum’. Are there any ‘mothers boys’ out there who do want sex with LBS?
Although it wasn’t an option for me, I do think there is a danger for the LBS to ML with the MLCer, apart from STDs, in that it will not assist at all with detachment whilst at the same time is fulfilling (rewarding) the MLCers emotional needs thus condoning his behaviour.
A final question; do these MLCers want sex or to ML (or both)?
Hi - interesting points - mine is a droplet to the point of a dribble too. Would have more contact [still not much] but is a mean one, so I don't want it. Being spewed over isn't good for my detachment or self esteem, particularly if they get stuck in a groove of lbs fault recitation. NC is definitely about me. Not to punish him.
Yes, I wonder if those that see us as mothers are the ones that have problems in touching us. . . .hadn't thought of that.
In general I would agree with you about ML, except that there are some posters whose h's have returned who felt it kept up the connection . ..and helped in re-establishing the r. So, as I said, in MLC all bets are off. A
But did you also notice that he did not want to listen to anything YOU had to say? He was the victim, I was the culprit. The culprit of what?
