Hi, if you could get h to go on a gluten free diet [by doing it together, but without much hoohaa] he might feel physically much better. I have virtually cut out wheat, and feel so much fitter, and have lost weight from places where it is hard to shift [butt and thighs].
It means two things really - one is eating less processed food, which often contains wheat/gluten, and subsituting other things, rather than for example eating gluten free bread [which I dislike]
I eat rice pasta [nicer than any of the others - corn and gluten free for example] and I eat oatcakes, and rye crispbread.
There are many oat based cereals around now. It is really bread and pies that are the issue, and while gluten free bread is boring [well, I think so] pastry made with gluten free flour, or better still spelt flour, is fine.
I would buy a light box, and have a 'light' alarm, which apparently are wonderful. Do it for you!! The benefits of wheat free are enormous, I promise. I have had people asking me what my 'secret' is!!
Believe me, I'm not about to give H a pass on adultery just because he's depressed. What surprised me about all this was how ready I was to say I was done if he did anything. Seriously, I decorated a whole apartment in my head while I was gone! I've never done that, not even when H was having his affair.
E, this made me laugh!!! Can't tell you how many times I did this during the last year of my M. I even went and had my wedding ring reset into something that no longer looked like a wedding ring during that last year. That's just how sure I was that as soon as D graduated from HS, I was done. And....I do think that eventually we've had enough and it sounds like you're not far from that point. I really do wish you the best and hope this turns out OK for you. Sorry, If I sounded harsh on my last post.
So much like my xh. Great, attentive, wonderful guy. We click incredibly well.
He's an extrovert. Very, very friendly. This is okay. The problem? He tries to talk himself out of noticing when a FF is interested. I just had this conversation with him this morning. He doesn't want to lose MY as a friend, but is sure he's picking up on something...but wanting to justify otherwise. I just told him, repeatedly, if you don't want to shift from friendship to R, trust your gut. I can tick off at least four names from the past several years where he tried to convince himself the woman wasn't interested.
Sorry...probably just rambling... Hope you had a good evening!
Some of you may remember, H and I bought a vacant lot in Mexico some time after his crisis. His dream place, he had hopes of spending part of his time in retirement living there. Sale involved title insurance, seemed okay.
Since then, H has had trouble getting the taxes paid, trying to do things from here proving difficult. He took a vacation there this week, and planned to pay the taxes while he was there.
Sent me an email just chitchatting about the surf. But silly me, just had to snoop in his email - turns out, there's a problem with the title!!!
Now - this is not financially disastrous. Pain in the neck, maybe, and worse case scenario we would lose some money but it wouldn't be ruinous. BUT.....H has been self-medicating with the promise of this property for quite a while now. When things are going badly for him elsewhere, he obsesses about planning what he would build there, etc. etc. I mean, to the point of drawing up a new house plan every night for weeks on end.
This is going to be bad. It's like the perfect storm. H approaching 50 in a couple of years. Kids all leaving home in a year = empty nest syndrome for H. Having to go back to old job where he feels unappreciated and put-upon. Losing his dream vacation home. And H, who has never lost a family member, is bound to lose at least one in the next few years - grandparents are 94!
I feel like the MLC trainwreck is headed my way and I'm tied to the tracks by Snidely Whiplash!!!!!
E, If we see something of a challenge coming we generally try to prepare. We put up the storm windows before winter, get a flu shot before flu season, even re-think our priorities/hobbies etc. before our children leave the nest.
So perhaps it is time to think about preventive measures that can be undertaken before the arrival of 'perfect storm' that you see coming. I am not sure that I have many suggestions that will be helpful... counseling, some specific plans for that empty nest period, planning some rituals with your h for the children leaving, for the deaths he is about to face, just finding some way to discuss these things before they happen rather than reacting as they come.
What would any of us have done if we had anticipated this disaster? xxx Amy
Well, I have to say, I am in the OT camp. I think your H knows exactly what he is doing and you, being the kind hearted and generous person that you are, are making excuses for him.
At the least he is hiding things from you, at the worst he is lying to you. Both are BIG red flags.
I am glad you are on top of this and I think it is fine that you snooped--you have been through enough BS and if this is the only way to find out the truth, then you need to keep that option open. You are no novice and know when snooping is just a paranoid obsession and when it is a survival necessity.
He is clearly seeking attention from this woman despite knowing the dangers that lie there, and also knowing how upset it would make you. Whether he realized what he was doing was dangerous, or she simply shot him down, my gut tells me he will try it again--if not with her, with someone else. I just don't buy the "he needs to feel he is helping people" thing. And calling her "sweetie" and sending "warm hugs" is in my opinion TOTALLY inappropriate and he might as well be saying "Let's get it on baby." It reminds me of the guy I used to be married to and his need to feel like the genius.
I hate to be cynic about cheaters, but my personal experience and my observations tell me that cheaters remain cheaters unless they go through extensive 12-step like therapy to stop being cheaters. Call it an addiction or what have you, but it does not stop because one affair ends. Dishonesty and secrecy are their weaknesses and when that starts up, trouble is a brewin'.
Oh mama, I hope you make it through this with your confused H--I know his disappointments with the jobs have been happening for a while now and this is likely contributing hugely to his depression. The good news is, you are doing great in your career and come what may, you will soar.
I do agree with Amy and think the best way to deal with "heading off" this storm is to prepare the upcoming difficulties. Hopefully he will be open to talking about these things and troubleshooting with you.
And calling her "sweetie" and sending "warm hugs" is in my opinion TOTALLY inappropriate and he might as well be saying "Let's get it on baby."
Well actually, this is how he would normally greet a friend in trouble. I was just mad because he WASN'T sending such greetings in his emails to me. (His emails from his current trip have been better, I must say.)
I think I see my H pretty clearly as he is these days. He doesn't pursue other women. But he's vulnerable in the right set of circumstances: an "innocent" encounter that unexpectedly leads to more intimate conversation, a woman stroking his ego, hitting at a time when H is very depressed and that dopamine seems irresistible. I do have to give him credit for turning this around himself without him knowing I knew. And let me be clear, I'm sure he never DID anything inappropriate, it's just that he let that vague "what if?" creep into his subconscious.
I think the most proactive thing I need to do is push him to deal with his depression more effectively. He does nothing beyond taking his medication, when there are so many other things, with nutrition and lifestyle, that he could be doing.
Trust me, I wouldn't be fighting for him if he wasn't really a pretty great guy. I'm too cynical for that, after all this time on the boards!
