Trust

[hiscott]

Last night at 8:30, I called to say good night to the boys and discovered that S8 had left his bike at school. So, I picked it up, put it into the garage, and texted W what I had done. She texted back that I could come in if I wanted to. She was nearly asleep, so I said good night and closed her door. I then tucked in S6 and S8 and spent 30 minutes reading to S11 before quietly leaving.

This morning, I get this email from W:

I was thinking last night about how nice the trust is between us (and hence that the kids witness). I was thinking about my getting sleepy and you arriving to see me asleep and the boys not yet asleep. I could have jumped up because you arrived to demonstrate that I could but I didn't care to or feel the need to. I didn't feel I needed to prove anything to you.

We know that the other is a great diligent parent and that we have 3 high-achieving kids. We trust the other and want the kids to know that we trust the other. I just assume that even if we enter a divorce settlement in the future, that you will not fight me about matters concerning the kids and that you would never use my behaviors against me and nor would I use yours against you -- ie, that it just wouldn't get dirty.

Isn't that so great?
I'm so proud of us!

Love ya!
deb

She seems to basically be looking for reassurance from me that I will not fight her in a custody battle. Should I even respond to her email? I will see her tonight when I pick up the kids and imagine that if I don’t respond she will mention something about it.

Thoughts?

[SteveInTN]

Don't respond...

[catfan]

Second vote for don't respond. I am not sure responding would serve any positive purpose.

But if you are compelled to respond keep it ultra simple and say something like you were just taking care of your kids.

BTW, I read through your first thread, do you have any others?

[FLTC]

3 for don't respond. It will get you nowhere...now... let me vent FOR you....Sorry if this stings. The " Isn't that great, I'm so proud of us" line is INFURIATING!!! What are you proud of? Two affairs? Three kids you're destoying by your behavior? Throwing a perfectly good husband and dad away...YEAHHHH for you!! WTF?

Your line about reading to your son ripped my heart out. I have a son 9 as well, and I could feel the sting of you having to leave after you read to him. If the roles were reversed and my W. was reading to my S9 before leaving, it would rip my heart again for what I was doing to the kids...but oh, noooo!

You've been here longer than me hs! Not fight for anything regarding the kids...What does she have in mind? Never say never to fighting for your kids. Sorry, everyone thinks MEN are not bugged by this....water off of a duck's back.....BULLS*T!!!

[hiscott]

Thanks SteveInTN, Catfan, and FLTC for your support. I havent responded so far and probably wont. I want to reply and ask if that trust could be a building block for rebuilding the trust in our M. But, I can see how that would be seen as pursuing. So,I wont. We will all be together this weekend at two soccer games and I could say something about this or just let it lay.

The "Isnt that so great!" line hurts deeply. I dont know if she really doesnt think that a line like that would hurt me or if she simply doesnt care.

"I'm so proud of us" Isnt it nice to know she is so happy with how we are "performing" in this separation.

FLTC, I'm not proud to be here longer than that you. I wish that I had some great results to show for the DBing that I have been doing, but I dont have a lot. Still, I plan to remain patient and hopeful.

Doesnt it sound like she is getting ready to file for divorce?

Another recent thread

[Dom R]

I will go against the grain, and say, that if she brings it up again, you should reply, that you care about your kids, and that decisions about their future welfare should be made jointly.

(that is to say, gently imply that if she ever divorces you, no way you are letting her take sole custody. Without actually bringing up fighting, or divorce.)

I take it from the overall tone of your letter, that you definately would fight her over it.
So, rather than say "yes i would fight you over it", just re-emphasise that you are BOTH their parents, rather than she being the sole parent.

Giving your spouse the impression that you wouldnt fight for joint custody if she filed, is a big mistake.
If she does file, then she will be all the angrier when you fight her, "unexpectedly".
And also, it may give her second thoughts about filing in the first place

[azhira]

Okay, maybe I'm off my rocker...but I didn't read that much into it. lol (Background: I am divorced. While xh and I have joint legal custody, we have no formal arrangement. We really don't fight about it.)

In all honesty, he and I have had this conversation. I tell him frequently I am so glad we don't have to go through the courts to determine where the baby will be when. He's told me he's happy we have this arrangement. So am I.

Could it be that she's really just expressing appreciation at your current level of cooperation with each other?

[hiscott]

Dom R,

Honestly, I have had my head in the sand when it comes to the terms and details of a divorce. So, I'm not clear on sole custody vs joint custody. But, I'm pretty sure that she would not want to have sole custody of the kids. She loves her space. Plus, as you can see from above, she doesnt even try to stay awake to put her kids to bed.

[Dom R]

Unfortunately, her actions towards your children, vs what she thinks about your children, may not match up.

To me, her words are very clearly saying, "if I ever file divorce against you, i expect you to not fight me if I file for sole physical and legal custody".

Note that that is not the same thing as "them being with her all the time". You can still have "visitation/custody schedules", even when she has "sole custody".
What "sole physical and legal custody"means, is that her house is effectively "their home", and she is the first last and only word, when it comes to making any kind of legal decisions about them. Whether that be medical choices, where they go to school, where they will live in the future, ....

It's all about this phrase:


that you will not fight me about matters concerning the kids


If you took that out, and everything else was there. fine.
However... what I see from my perspective, is that the entire email is just a delivery system for that one phrase.

Note: not "that we wont fight about the kids".
But "you will not fight me about..."

ie: she is boss over any and all "matters concerning the kids", and she is validating with you, that you agree with that statement.

[hiscott]

Ok, I may have just done something really stupid. W just called to ask if I wanted to take the kids to some children’s community theater tonight and went on to ask if I got her email from this morning. I said that I had and launched into "Couldnt this trust be a building block for rebuilding our marriage". She replied "I suppose". Good or bad this headed into a check of where we stand. She confirmed my feelings by stating that she is very happy with our current situation of being separated and that she is in no rush to divorce. Like myself, she is not completely clear about custody laws and options. She did say that she felt if we did go down that road that we both deserve to see the kids half of the time. I mentioned that I would want to be involved decisions concerning their future, but we both agreed that not every decision needed to be discussed. At that point, she said that since have not come to this yet, she would rather talk about something more upbeat. Unfortunately, I fell into a little sales job about how great of a guy I am. But, I caught myself before making a fool of myself.

Azhira, I think that you are right on. She meant to say how we are handling our current situation of being separated very maturely and that we both want the best for our kids.