I've been reading from this forum for awhile There are some great solutions and now I'm really undecided. The short of it is ...my H had an affair and admited it when I confronted him. He has used all the classic lines and excuses(which blew me away when I saw it's exactly what all MLC's say!) After many ups and downs I forgave him and wanted to move forward. I go for C he will not! This has all happened in the last 4 months. He went to his lawyer.(because I was tired of him saying he was leaving and then not go anywhere. I told him to go and get some details from his lawyer)Wow, she must have given him the details because when he came home the 2 X 4 mark was written across his face! Basically I'm in the drivers seat! I had to find out from someone else because he could't even explain it to me he was so angry! That night when I asked him to "please answer me just one question" I know I shouldn't have but I did "why, why the affair after 25 years" He told me I was a f88ken looser and I don't love you anymore... among other nasty things ....welllllll That was the last straw for me I have never asked him before and actually haven't brought anything up for more than a month and acted "as if" everything was working out fine. I went to get some free lawyer advice and I'm ready for the seperation. He's going to flip because I want everything liquidated and I want out. Problem...because I have changed and I'm sure he sees this (plus the fact I'm sure, what his lawyer told him,) he is now talking to me and I'm wondering if I should move forward. The more he pulls these stupid stunts(Swearing at me and angry at me..he had the affair not me!)I want out. I'm not a loser and I want better for myself.
Should I give him another chance? Should I tell him where I'm at with all this? Should I keep moving forward? Is he doing this because of what his lawyer said? Should I keep doing what I'm doing and see if his actions are stronger than his words? I'm starting to put up a all between him and ik because I don't want to be hurt anymore. But I do still love him. I feel as though he is self destructing from the inside but is still in denial, although he did admit to it. Some input would be appreciated as I really do value from the men and woen on these forums.
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
I don't know if I could stay w/ my H if he actually said to me "you're an F'ing loser." That would honestly be IT for me. I also would not want my H to stay just b/c a D would *cost* him a lot.
Also, I would not want to be in an M where I was actually be sweared at and yelled at. That would NOT be acceptable, period, in my book.
If you honestly still love him, at this point, I think I would sit him down and gently, quietly tell him: I love you and I would like to work out our M, but I will NEVER put up w/ the yelling, swearing, calling me names, etc. again. Period. Dot.
That's so out of line and NOT something I would allow. If he truly loves you, he would realize how hurtful this is and quit. I don't know if you will be able to get past it though. In my experience, there are certain things that H said to me that come back every so often and I don't know if H was actually cruel to me and called me a F'ing loser that I would be able to ever look at him the same again.
That's just my opinion. If you can get past what he has done, and you both still love each other and are willing to work on things, then great, but I think RIGHT NOW you need to put your foot down as hard as you can as to his actions toward you. You need to get across that you will not put up w/ that anymore or you will leave.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I know, I have really been thinking about doing that this weekend. I'm not a carpet ans I won't put up with it. I did tell him the next day...with tears in my eyes....that I am not a loser and that I worth so much more than that. He never apologized. that is when I started to move forward with getting quotes for everthing. That wall got easier to put up. Geez I hate this!!!!!
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
how about a separation for starters, it might give you both time to think about what you really want. My H never did appologize about the 2nd A and deceiving me and lying to me, well, he did say "sorry" but he might've as well been saying any other word, he had a blank face and didn't look sorry at all (as of this day, we are getting along better but still, no heartfelt appology). I wonder if it is shame and the fact that they've been found out and knee deep in crap that they dont' think of our feelings. Right now, your H is too inmerse in how screwed up he'll be (in case of D) and that's why he can't even think of how he's hurted you and how much you need an appology.
You know you are NOT what he told you you were, think of the source, he's royally messed up, he's just spewing venom, he's one toxic person with so much to loose. You are a wonderful person who are willing to forgive something horrendous, it takes a lot of heart and class to do this, his words are just BS.
My prayers your way, he seems like a miserable person and perhaps being appart will let the tension off you and will give you time to think.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you so much for answering. I will think about the seperation and I know what he says is from the serpant side of hom. I sure hope he gives his head a shake because I'm going to lose it.
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
