I could name all of you I have read the threads and I am sorry for those who had a bad week and happy for those that had good news.
Just journaling:
I went away for a couple of days but we still kept in touch for other day to day issues. I could calm down and until last night I could rest and lessen the pain.
Yesterday was my birthday and he convinced me that he wanted it to be a special day and open this door for him.
When I arrived home he gave me a lot of presents from my favorite store. I thanked him, hugged and kissed him and he started crying. I asked him why and he said he was just emotional.
Well, it was part a disaster part enlightening.
He promised he would leave work early to spend time with me and have dinner at one of my favorites restaurants. Then he got caught up with something, planned his time wrong and got stuck in the traffic. Got here one hour before our reservation. No need to say that by living in a 17 million people town it would be impossible to get there in time.
By the time that he arrived I was numb and couldn't talk to him. He then tried to apologize, explained saying he wanted me to be understanding and that he was coming home thinking we could wait in the bar if our reservation was blown. I just stared and said nothing. by this time he started to get mad at me. I told him I wouldn't keep up with this behavior and left the room. He came after me and we had a long talk about the questions I wanted answered, about commitment, about priorities. I said that if the marriage was a priority right now, he would have to show in little gestures and understand that I would not tolerate nothing less. May be I was petty but at this point I have an extreme fear he will understand my comprehension as coping with his mistakes as he felt in the past. He told me cried when he gave me the presents because my eyes were cold. We agreed on ground rules, I told him exactly what I felt and we moved on. He agreed to my boundaries and said he would work on that.
Well we ended up going to dinner. This is were it gets frustrating. When we were coming home he started to tell me about this person he is hiring. He said he wanted someone that would be trustful and faithful and nothing less. I could not believe I was hearing this, so he wants it to him but can not give it to others. Immediately after he told me that I could see he sensed he did not say the right thing. I said to him then in the sweetest voice: Yes, it is hard if you cannot trust one or be staggered in your back. Don't need to say did not sleep well and the nightmares returned.
Today, I talked to my therapist and she said it would be a good idea to write down the feelings, the rules and the action plan we agreed on submit to him by email and ask him to think about it and make his decision in writing.
Guess what happened. He read it but said he could not reply because he was feeling bad about some conflict with a business partner. He was showing more remorse towards this business situation than he ever showed on what happened to us. I just gave him a couple of suggestions professionally and did not say anything else.
Now I am just thinking weather he is a pathologic narcissistic guy, can't tell him to go to counseling as he already is. Feel guilty on whether I showed coldness in my eyes. And keep wondering what it takes to make him absorb that I want commitment to our marriage and will not keep up with him prioritizing anything else.
Truly don't know how to act. Don't want to nag him about the email. Guess I will just have to keep GALing. I am thinking on telling him to leave for a couple of weeks to give me further space to think about my life. Is it wrong at this point after laying down the rules? Will he interpret it as me giving away?
Well, a couple of things stand out to me in your post, and I hope I'm not way off here.
The first thing was the coldness you showed toward him. Yes, he was wrong in what he did and, yes, you are *entitled* to be angry, but you need to figure out what you want -- either to work on your M or not. I don't think if you end up wanting to work out your M that making him feel guilty or treating him rudely, etc. is how you should be treating your H.
If you feel you still need time to deal w/ what has happened before you can deal w/ your H and what you want to happen between the two of you, I would take that time "away" from him. Staying there and *punishing* him for what he did is not going to help your M in the long run.
The second thing is, if you emailed him at work, I don't think you should expect him to drop what he is doing at work to work on your M. Work is work, home is home. That's just my opinion though. If he was at work, dealing w/ his issues w/ business partner comes before dealing w/ his marital issues/problems. Again, that's just my opinion.
I think you need to figure out what you want and if you don't know what you want then, yes, you should take some time away to figure it out, but there again, if you take the time away to figure out what you want that should be what you are doing not going away to make him feel guilty or somehow punish him for what he's done.
What kind of *rules* are we talking about? Even after my D sitch & my H's A's, I don't think I like the word "rules" regarding a marriage.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
That jumped out at me to about him actually breaking down because he felt she was cold. This could be the very thing he is restling with. Like the one main grievance he has about you. It just seemed to affect him very boldly.
True true about work. I think that's a big no to try and do anything when someone is at work.
I think I would probably use boundaries and not rules.
Maybe it was hesitation in your eyes? Fear of letting him back in? Either way, I think he was probably feeling guilty and it just hit him. He is probably also overwhelmed by having to make things up to you that he is thinking "I tried, it didn't work" and is upset about that.
The dinner/reservation thing happened, those things happen, but it just happened at the wrong time, because you were expecting nothing but the best from H. You wanted more effort.
Resentment is like a handful of snakes. If you keep them close to you, by your heart, they will just bite and bite and bite. It doesn't hurt anyone but us (the ones holding the snakes), not even the person in front of us. So, we have to try to let go of the snakes, to stop hurting us. When we stop hurting, we can focus on what's in front of us.
Thanks for your honesty and support! You are right, I freaked out by resentment. I also think that he was feeling guilty and expected that I could recover fast enough for him.
Anyway, he got sick and TUP when he got back from work, after that he confronted me (!), he said it was for the sake of both our health. I apologized mainly because I read your replies and gave them a good thought and we had the best conversation ever because I could see glimpses of the guy I fell in love with. I had the courage to ask a lot of questions and details about each episode to which he replied patiently. I feel so much relieve and felt the blood run again in my veins.
I think that one of the things that moved me, because it was one of my main judgments, was when he told me spontaneously that the call girl gave him details of her life. I could watch him beating himself for the fact that he exploited a woman with a life so full of hurt and pain and it got to him. Even if we do not succeed piercing I thank God that at least this lesson he learned.
Yes, rules are not the best word. Boundaries is much more compromising. I think the freaking out is diminishing and I didn't think much about what have happened today.
We will try to go on and pierce our M. I will have to work on the steps now and I have some snakes killing to do.
