Help me thru this sitch

[cherrishher]

Surely H can see that an on-again, off-again relationship is not beneficial to S. Try to find a way to calmly and objectively communciate this with H. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you were to involve S in a relationship that has proven to be unstable.

If H is so sure that this is it and it will be long-term from here on out; then no harm in waiting a few more months before involving S, no?

[Pudmuddle]

He actually admitted he did see the light on that, but we never did talk about the long term stuff, which I agree is a good way to approach that. Only if he is seriously going to marry her, then my S can be involved....Good thoughts and helpful advice cherrisher.

Update: Well, I got up this morning when H went downstairs for his breakfast and I mentioned to him how my S had been upset last night because when my S asked H where I was, he at first said "I don't know" kind of exasperated, then he said "oh she had an appt, then was going out with friends". But...all my S heard was the i don't know. So this upset him that my H didn't seem to care... Then when I got home, my S came out of his room and I greeted him but not my H. unintentionally. So when I tucked my S in bed, my S said to me 'Do you like Daddy?' I was taken aback, but said 'Yes I do, why do you ask?' 'Because you didn't say Hi to him'. I said 'Oh'. Then he talked about hew he didn't know I was going out and he was upset by this. I reassured him that I had told Daddy, but next time I would call him(my S) and let him know personally. Kind of tugged at the heartstrings on that one. :S

So then I was still downstairs with my H talking this morning and I said "see how the little things affect him?' shouldn't have said that, but I was trying to drive the point home(don't SLAP ME on this one, I know I didn't need too!!!:)) about how this affects our S, but I dropped it after that. But he said a resigned 'Yeah'. Then my H and I continued talking about daily things happening and how he and my S are going dirtbiking tomorrow and I said'Oh, I was hoping you'd go this weekend, I really wanted to watch our S ride" So he said "oh well, we will probably go this weekend too." I said good, I'd like that. This was kind of a 180 for me, because I USED to go watch and be with my H when he rode all the time. Then I began to drift away from that because I got busy with school and didn't make it a priority... So I am going to use the premise of watching our S, which I really want to do too, but also to be present with H like I used to be...does that sound good to you all?

Then after our discussions this morning, I just walked over and gave him a big hug. He kind of looked surprised after but did hug me back. I just wanted too. I miss that crazy lout. He didn't say anything but then I just rubbed his shoulder and said "Hope you have a good day today" and took my coffee and went back to my room. It felt good.

[craig54]

PUD, DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP, YOU DID FINE. DEALING WITH CHILDREN IS DIFFERENT. DONT HOLD BACK ON THAT. AS FAR AS THE HUG, I DID THE SAME THING LAST NIGHT, MORE FOR ME THAN FOR MY W. IT FELT GOOD. KEEP THE FAITH.

[Pudmuddle]

Yeah Craig, I'm good at being hard on myself. I second-guess myself a lot when it comes to H because of past mistakes and feeling like I just don't know what his reactions will be at any given moment. But when it comes to my son, the protective bear comes out in me and that will not change, although my presentation might, but not my strong value for it.

Yep it was definitely for me, and I know it surprised him a little. But damn did it feel good. lol

[Puddle]

Hey pm,

Wow, just catching up on your thread---there's a lot going on.

First off, good for you for putting your foot down re H taking S out with OW. That's absolutely not cool, not the best for your S. Good that he saw it that way as well.

Regarding introducing S to OW eventually: My H and I have been going back and forth on this. Our sitch is different in that OW is actually a COW (coveted other woman)---there's no R there according to H (which I believe). Regardless, H's stance was that there's no harm hanging out with the kids and anyone's he's dating, as long as they don't see him being affectionate with that person. I disagreed.

Finally we agreed to talk together with a child psychologist specializing in D. She reinforced two things: 1) the kid(s) need to get settled into the new reality. That means when H moves out, there will be an adjustment period, fraught with anxiety and lots of questions. *No one* should be introduced to them during this period. You guys aren't even there yet, so there's a good period of time when H shouldn't be introducing anyone to your S. 2) After the kid(s) have started to settle down---and she said you know your kid(s), you'll know when this happens---that is the time to introduce a *SO* to them, not a date, not a potential partner, but a SO. Your H would probably say OW is that.

Now, regarding the way you shared your feelings with H. There's still waaaaay too much stuff in there about H---"I know you've been forgetful," "you are still trying to justify your actions and behavior to your son," "Exposing him to a "relationship" that was based off of lies and deceit..."

I would've said something like this (on my very best day): I don't think it's a good idea to hang out with S and OW. It would only cause him confusion right now. Our sitch isn't settled yet, and until it is, please refrain from introducing him to anyone."

Nothing in there about H, his maturity, his intentions, what he may be thinking.

Like you said: this is about your S. Period. No reason to bring any R comments in there at all.

And again:

"see how the little things affect him?'

How about: "S was upset because he heard you say you didn't know where I was." Or nothing (given H already realized S was upset). pm, I tried early on to get H to see what he was doing (or going to do) to the kids. I believed he was a reasonable person and a caring parent, and honestly, could not stop myself from pointing out the damage his decision would cause our children. When I said it ("I can't believe you're doing this to them") he seemed to really take it in, and to feel sad/guilty about it. But later, much later, he mentioned it, and not in a good way. It was pure guilt-induction, and that just doesn't work. Do your best to avoid it.

Your decision to tell your S when you'll be gone, where you'll be (vaguely), and when you'll be back is an excellent idea.

Regarding watching them ride their bikes, I don't know. Do you *really* want only to watch S ride? Of course you're aware of the possible benefit of spending good time with H, but what's your real motivation there? A 180? Show you're interested again?

If you can do that *without* talking to H, especially the way you have been lately, I say go for it. Get him used to you feeling happy and confident and detached, not bringing up any R talk. If you'll be watching him to see if you're scoring points, I'd forget it.

Take care.

[corduroymilo]

Do you ever feel like you are playing a game but no one bothered to tell you the rules? This is how I feel with my H. He is playing some sort of wicked game but I didn't get the heads up on how to play.
I feel for you. I'm glad I'm not the only one not getting any sleep. I am starting to feel like I'm moving underwater.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks chocolatey

This is good advice, I USUALLY post things here first if I am thinking of saying them too or I give it the 48 hour rule, but sometimes spur of the moment things happen and that's when I freeze up and go into defense mode. I am working on that really. REALLY.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks chocolatey

This is good advice, I USUALLY post things here first if I am thinking of saying them too or I give it the 48 hour rule, but sometimes spur of the moment things happen and that's when I freeze up and go into defense mode. I am working on that really. REALLY.

[Pudmuddle]

OH Puddle, puddle, puddle. Thank you. I know, I know, I know. Someday I hope this will be easier, I just don't know how to practice getting better unless I am speaking to him. A vicious circle.

I know there is way too much stuff in there still, I just can't get my brain around that yet, mostly because he think if we are NOT talking that things must be peachy. I know, I know, patience Pudmuddle. I KNOW, lol.

Good advice from the child psychologist. At the moment, I am not going to guess what my H thinks of the OW. I don't really care. I want him to talk about us before he takes any more drastic measures, but I am not counting on that, only wishing. I do expect more bombs to come my way, but for now we have been status quo.

The first motivation for me is to go watch my S, he has asked several times if I would go and watch him. But secondly it would be a 180 for me. And I am not expecting any points or anything from my H by doing that. I can't have expectations of him right now or I will surely be disappointed. Just watch for the small positive signs.

[Pudmuddle]

YES CM!! But now with the DB stuff I at least have some guidelines and with this great forum here and all the fantastic people I do feel like I can make it.

Keep working on it CM, you will be feeling better soon. Well, you're not drowning yet, so keep on swimmin'!