Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Hi {{{HEIM}}}

Thanks for the support, sometimes I can't tell anymore if what I am thinking is right or wrong because I am so dang confused about this all. I did think this was just wrong and would be confusing as heck to our son.

I hope you have been doing ok Heim. Sometimes I wish we were all in the same spot so we could give group hugs when we need them.

[Heimlich]

I wish we were all in the same spot so we could give group hugs when we need them.

That'd be loverly. Doing OK. Going to visit Mawmaw in a few. I'll eventually get around to getting another thread going.

From personal experience, I can remember how hard it was to deal with meeting new people that my Mom and Dad were seeing when I was young and they weren't even married. IMO, it'd be tremendously harmful for you son. A bunch of folks draw the DBing line at what's good for their kids. Often, the two thigns go hand in hand, but sometimes they don't.

BD

[lizzy]

PM, you did the right thing by putting your foot down. My H had an EA 10 years ago and she was very much a part of D15's life who was 5 at the time. I was suffering PPdepression at the time and wasn't able to put my foot down. This summer after the bomb I put my foot down and said EA's are not to be any part of DDs' lives. I thought H would be mad but he was understanding.

[Pudmuddle]

Thank you lizzy. I just can't understand how he thinks this is right, I am so confused by his brain right now. I feel like I am dealing with another child and trying to help them learn and grow, lol. And it is totally turning me off to him as a future real H and lover again!!! Gak.

[Pudmuddle]

So here is what H responded with to my above email:

I don't feel that I need to justify this to Brennen at all. It is what it is. He is a smart kid and can make up his own mind but I don't want to lie to him as i have lied to you in the past. Granted I have not told him everything about the relationship, but I do answer his questions (he has asked some) as best as I can and as honesty as I can. I know it's hard for you to think I'm not constantly bashing you in front of Brennen or trying to win him over. I am not doing that at!!! ,as it would not be in Brennen best interest.

Taking him to the avs game would completely skew his judgment, I have thought about it and agree that its not a good idea, it would set a bad president, with that said he will meet her some time, be it now or later it will happen. I know from my own thought and concerns that anybody I or you introduce to Brennen would have positive effect on him.

let's continue this later tonight

as for this being an attack i dont see it that way . i would have in the past, but i have grown and realized a person can have opinions and feeling and express them to me and i need not to take it personally

It still bothers me that he insists he will meet her, but I cannot control that. If he is growing as a person, then why doesn't he show that to me. wah, wah, wah, blah, blah, blah.

[Pudmuddle]

What a load of hooey, He makes me so angry I could just...oh I don't know. The fact that he is trying to not lie to my S and be honest about his OW R is just a bunch of hooey! He IS trying to justify it to someone so he doesn't feel so guilty.

Swear words! @#$%^&*#$%^&*(

[Pudmuddle]

I am in superpost mode because I am angry.

So I wrote back to his response and this is what I said:

I do not think you are doing this consciously, I just know you cannot see past your own bubble at the moment as you have been very forgetful lately. Being open and honest with him at this point about other 'relationships' really does him no good at all. That you think he will understand this is a type of justification in your mind. His world is our relationship and that is what we need to model. I can't see how introducing him to others at this point would be positive??? It's not necessary for you to be insistent that it will happen, I know that and can't change that, but WE still need to work out issues.

Hope you are having a good day. I will be home later tonight, but before B's bedtime.

I am soon going out with friend's tonight because I just do not want to be around H right now! Make him wonder what I am doing...anyone want to drive out to colorado and come with me?

[cherrishher]

Pudmuddle,

Sorry to hear you are going through this mess...PLEASE try to stay calm and colleceted when communicating about such sensitive issues. I can see your emotions seeping into your communciations to H.

Here's what I would suggest;

H,

While it is true we may each wish to share our relationships with S, I feel that we should come to a concensus regarding when that might be appropriate. It is unfair and unreasonable for us to introduce S to someone, allow him to get attached, only for another relationship to end and him to be hurt and confused again. I feel that we should try and insulate him as best as possible from this at this time - he has enough to deal with and really does not need to have more to think/worry about. I think we should only introduce him to someone when we feel it is a long-term situation. Perhaps we can agree to a length of time before introducing him to new people?

[Soxfan2008]

ah grasshopper, very wise email you have written.

Yup. I agree with cherrish.

A few steps of advise for emails.

1) write the response
2) SAVE RESPONSE AS A DRAFT
3) STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
4) STEP FURTHER AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
5) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
6) COME BACK 10 HOURS LATER AND RE-READ YOUR EMAIL

7) Still want to send it?????????? Make changes and repeat the above steps until you really and truely feel you JUST HAVE to send it.

[Pudmuddle]

Good thoughts cherrisher. As you can see it is very hard for me to not let my emotions creep in to convo. I need to get the 'we's' into the convo and not the 'I'. that is hard for me especially on the spur of the moment talks.

If H brings this up again tonight, i may just pirate some of your words. Thanks for being there. {{{CHERRISHHER}}}

The problem is though is that I think my H does think he is in a long term R with OW. He has seen her off and on every 3-4 mos for the last 2 years...I'm not exactly sure how just romps in the hay are considered a relationship...