Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Lost,

Yeah, unfortunately we are in this situation, but at least it feels good to have people in the same spot, not that I would wish this on anyone but you understand what I am saying.

You feel better too, Lost. {{{HUGS}}}

[lizzy]

Thanks about the advice with the C for my DDs. One problem is I would like them to see mine, and H doesn't like her. I was thinking about looking for a teen group in the Cleveland area for DD15. Like you said, at least now you know how your S is feeling and so does your H. My H said the other day "I didn't think they would take it so hard." DUH Maybe he thougth he had driven them away. I wish he knew the questions they ask me when he isn't around.

[Puddle]

Hey pm,

Hope you're feeling better. Everyone has those days, and they can hit out of the blue. It does get better---we all learn to ride the waves.

Take care.

[Pudmuddle]

Well lizzy,

I can tell you it surely opened my H's eyes about our son and my H has since spoken, quoted many of the things that the counselor said, so I know it hit home for him, real good. That was part of my intention was to get my H to realize something other than himself right now. But the true intention was for my S and he is a very sensitive kid. I think you should just make the appointment and then let him know about it. He can either go or not, but chances are high that he will want to go. People in the middle of their own selves can't see out past their world right now and it is good to bring them out of that a little.

Hope that helps.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi {{{Puddle}}}

Yes, I am better today, and yesterday. We had to paint the garage doors together yesterday, so I was cheerful but didn't say much. My H kept talking and talking and talking, lol. So it was very good to see he felt comfortable with me. Last night he went out, BUT NOT WITH THE OW! (at least that is what he said) That surprised me that he isn't just out there spending all of his time with her since that is what he seemed to want 4 weeks ago... I took that as a small positive that he doesn't feel the need to be with her, SOooooooo..

Thanks for checking on me Puddle. I haven't felt much like posting as I am still chunking through some things in my mind but I am doing much better.

I hope you are too. I'll check out your post when I have a moment. Take care.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Gang,

Well I am back, and in a much better mood. I decided to go it alone this weekend (without my DB crutch ) to see if I was really doing what I needed to. My H and I had to paint the garage doors this weekend and he did ask for my help. I was playing it cool the whole time, only asking about the paint, how to's and things like that but didn't say much else. He talked about a LOT of things and kept asking more and more things about me and what was going on in my life. He asked about my brother(currently in jail) and his problems, asked about my losing weight, asked about some jeans I was wearing, asked my opinions on how we should do something on the garage(which he never did before, he always had the plan), and asked about what I was eating for lunch, asked about my friends at work...so needless to say he was VERY Curious about me which was the most QUALITY TIME I have had with him in years, can you tell which LL I am?

At the end when we were done, I told him it was really nice to do something together, that we hadn't done that in years and it was good talking to him (altho he was talking most of the time).

Then he said he was going to go out to a bar that night to watch an Avalanche game. He has never just gone out to a bar before. I knew he wasn't with the OW because it was a local bar and she is a couple of cities away. He is not spending as much time with her as I thought he would, which I also see as a small positive. 4 weeks ago, he wanted to be out with her all the time, and not with me. Even his texts seem to have minimized, at least that's what I observe. I often disappear into my bedroom to do things on my own, beadwork, reading, laundry, whatever and he seems to make an effort to find something to come talk to me about. curious.

Also, and odd thing is he is following my lead and being as nice as pie. Kind of confusing as I wonder if he is doing that so that he can show he can be nice and perhaps get the D he wants, his way, more easily. Or is he truly being nice to me because he respects me more now and is changing his mind?

I think it is bothering him to that I no longer look him in the eye when we are in the same room, rarely. Only if he is making an effort to talk to me do I look at him. I'd like to hear your thoughts and opinions on what I have posted. All observations welcome. Happy Monday all you good-looking people!

[SteveInTN]

Sounds like you had a good weekend!

Don't try to get inside of his head. Don't over analyze his actions. Things were better this weekend, right? So obviously you are doing something right. Why is he being nice? Does it matter? Better to live in close quarters with a pleasant person than a bitter & hostile one. I'm sure he is feeling more relaxed too and that is a better environment for good things to happen. Enjoy the change and keep doing what you are doing in order to help it carry forward.

Even if you knew what was going on inside of his head you couldn't do anything about it, right? Sometimes ignorance is bliss. If you knew what was on his mind it would alter your actions, perhaps making you more tense and your life otherwise less enjoyable (I know that is a relative term!). So... keep doing what you are doing and enjoy the calm. You only have control over 1/2 the situation, make the most of it.

[lizzy]

I agree with Steve. Just keep doing what you are doing. Hopefully your H is seeing that you are more enjoyable to be around and he wants to see if that lasts. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out his motive. You will find out sooner or later, so why rush to conclusions.

I'm sure you did look great in those jeans, and isn't it even better that he noticed. I had someone I used to work with ask me today about losing weight and telling me how good I looked. Wish me H would have heard that because he used to be jealous of this guy. I think it would do my H some good to feel jealous again.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Steve n Lizzy

Yeah, I know Steve, that's how I got to be so 'talkative' lol because he kept clamming and I could never wait long enough to have him tell me why. Thanks for the gentle reminder. I DO keep trying to figure out what he is thinking, but I am getting better about waiting for it...now I just come here and post it, so that I don't have to yak at him or worry about it. I give it the old 48 hour rule. That does seem to help make it subside.

Thanks, Lizzy, you're right I will find it out eventually. Well good for you that someone else noticed!! Congrats! I went to a happy hour Friday night and first I got hit on at the light rail station, a complete stranger came up and told me I was very beautiful and started inquiring as to my nationality, perhaps I was brazilian? I told him thank you for saying that I really appreciate it. (He had no idea HOW MUCH i needed THAT!!) and then my train came so I left him sitting there, lol.

Then at the happy hour I had two coworkers (male) give me compliments...one said I needed to stop being so sexy and the other said I looked different, but a good different

Then when I got home my husband was asking about my time out and I proceeded to tell him how I got hit on and the nice compliments I got and then switched the convo to talk about other friends that he knows who were there. When I told him one of them said I needed to stop being so sexy, my H looked at me and said "No you don't, you never stop doing that". That was a NICE small positve from him. So maybe if he asks about your weight loss again, you can say 'Yeah and a coworker told me how good I looked today, so that made me feel good' and smile and walk away...

[cherrishher]

Hi Pudmuddle,

I just wanted to add to what others have said and drive the point home....

Try not to spend time trying to figure out what's going on in H's head. I'd be surprised if he knows what's going on in there. lol

Anyway, it won't make any difference to your sitch, even if you do understand it. I think sometimes we think if we understand, then we will know what to do, what to fix, what to say, etc. to bring them home. Resign yourself to the understanding that you will never know what he was thinking - it really doesn't matter or make a difference and you absolutely cannot control the situation. The more you try to figure it out, the more energy is spent on him and the sitch, rather than on yourself. Try to invest all your energy into yourself and your life.

It's a tough pill to swallow but we have to leave them alone to figure this mess out.