I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[Dom R]

Umm....

seems like a disconnect here.

you said,

I don't think it is that he's afraid of missing anything as it is just the poing of not talking to me.

There are two assumptions you make there:

1. he isnt afraid of "missing anything [in the show he's watching] by talking to you in the middle of it

2. he WANTS to "not talk to you".


That is very different from what you said a little lower, about, "I think in the beginning of our M, he didn't know what to say, and instead of politely telling me that, he just stared at the TV."

i think that is a reasonable assumption to make..and also not really a negative one.

in contrast, I think that assuming "he does not WANT to talk to you [at all]" is a very negative one to make.


You said that you have "I have talked to him about it since the first month of marriage. "
What I THINK you mean by that, is that you have complained to him about it. that's not the same as talking _with_ him about it.
(admittedly, if he doesnt cooperate, its rather difficult, but...) It seems to me that you havent done much of the "with" part.

Otherwise, instead of saying, "I THINK that..." you would have been able to say more , "he TOLD me that..."

Am I right?

[cemar2]

Sandi2:

You keep bring up communication. Obviously it is your love language. Since I do think I understand you husbands position, if he REALLY worked hard on communication with you, to fill your love bank, how will things change for him?

[GoodGuy]

Sandi, how are you? I miss your posts...please check in....I need to ask your advice about writing a (Love, want you) letter to my W, I wonder if it works? How would you feel about receiving one if you were a WAW.
Thanks

[sandi2]

Dom, I have talked, I've complained, I've cried, joked, teased, bargined, I've done everything in everyway I know how to do to get him to talk to me. There isn't any point in this.....he is not going to talk to me wheather it is b/c he doesn't know what to say or wheather he just doesn't want to talk. I think it is part of both to tell you the truth. You assumed that I complained rather that talk to him.....well, as I said above, I've tried it all. I have been very sweet and patient and would sit what seem like an hour for him to answer a question I would ask and I would fianlly get up and move out of the room. I've gotten my feelings hurt, I've gotten mad, I've bit my tongue into, I have had every negative feeling in the world about the way he has done me.....so yes Dom, you could say that I am negative. I suppose you are going to blame me for that too!

Yes, Cemar, it is my love language and I have tried several times to explain that to my H. I have already told about the happiest night of my entire 41+ year M. It was the only time my H actually talked and told me some things that I was starved to hear and as a result I almost loved him to death when we went to bed. You would think he would have gotten the idea that that worked, wouldn't you? But, apparently he didn't b/c it never happened again. That is why I wonder about you men sometimes.....what on earth does it take for you to get it? We tell you and we draw pictures and we show you through action, but you still don't get it! I'm about fed up with it.

He has done not one thing to try to improve on anything in our M since he found out about the OM. When he saw that I was not going to continue to contact OM and that I was going to stay with him, he proceeded to take out his false teeth, pull everything off but his underware, lay down on the couch, pick up the romote control to the TV---and there he has been, just like that every night since. He tries to get in about half a day's work here and there and he goes to church. That's our life. Needless to say, he is not very attractive to me right now, so no, (before you ask) I don't cuddle and nibble on his ear and do all that stuff that you probably think I should be doing. I was about to leave him for another man.....you would think he would try a little bit harder to be more attractive to me and try to have a little more life about himself. And yes, I had asked him to stop smothering me like he had been doing when he was snooping and following me around the house, and being pretty mean, but I didn't want for him to lay down and practically stop breathing.

This was exactly the stuff he was doing before the OM came along, so you would think HE WOULD GET IT!!! I don't think it would take me but one time to learn not to take him for granted. Why wouldn't he be wanted to fill my love tank?

Please, don't start telling me all the things I should be doing to spice things up b/c I spent my years of service doing that and I think turn about is only fair. Oh, I know, you will throw the thing about he is afraid of being "rejected" in my face. Well, I'm pretty sick of that excuse. I didn't reject him near as many times as he rejected me.......just in different ways. He's probably never thought about all the ways he showed me rejection. But, of course, I'm sure you men only count one way as being true "rejection".

I guess in his own way he probably thinks he has made an effort to work at our R since the EA happened, but I can't see much evidence. About the only real outward show of any evidence was when he sent me those flowers when I told him I was so depressed. But, when I got home that evening he acted like the same old ho-hum. And, by then, the flowers had my allergies so messed up that I was feeling miserable. If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

I guess I feel if it had been the other way around and my H had had the EA that I would be trying to make him happy or at the least working to improve myself and make myself more attractive to him. I would try to be a more delightful and fun person to live with. Why would he not feel that way toward me? The same reason he was never the one to strive to add "spice of life" to anything else?

Words are my language of love, but there are other things that are important to the MR.....like paying bills, keeping groceries in the house, paying taxes on time, keeping the yard looking like some people actually live at that residence instead of mistaking it for the city dump, and stop doing that one partiuclar thing that your S has asked you very sincerely not to do. Listen, my mother loves her SIL.....she always has. However, I have asked her to help me by telling me what she would do if it were here H that was doing some of the particular things he does.........like never allowing me to throw a piece of paper away.....and she honestly doesn't know. She would just say that she wouldn't put up with it. Well, tell me how......what to do....but, she doesn't know. I realize that some of these things may not sound important......like having an affair or something like that......but it is like sandpaper that rubs away the skin down to the raw nerves and after all these years, I can tell you that there isn't much left to sustain the irratation. He probably isn't going to change after all these years.....not b/c he can't but simply b/c he doesn't want to change! So, I guess I have some thinking to do about what I need to do.

[Dom R]

Oh, I know, you will throw the thing about he is afraid of being "rejected" in my face.

nope. you dont know, Sandi.. different questions/issues, so different answer from me.
Making assumptions about people.. whether your H, or others... often leads to incorrect conclusions.

but sounds like you have a lot of resentment bubbling over right now, so I'll try to reply later.

[sandi2]

Gosh, you answered me before I got through with the editing.

You said that you have "I have talked to him about it since the first month of marriage. "
What I THINK you mean by that, is that you have complained to him about it. that's not the same as talking _with_ him about it.
(admittedly, if he doesnt cooperate, its rather difficult, but...) It seems to me that you havent done much of the "with" part.

I'm sorry if I sounded ugly. I thought you were making assumptions about me! I don't deny that I have complained b/c it has nearly driven me crazy......and no I haven't done much with the "with" talking to him b/c how do you do it if he doesn't join into the conversation? Anyway, I didn't mean to get all up in your face. I just want to feel that somebody understands me and that some of you guys are in my corner b/c I always felt like the bad guy with his family and I suppose over the years it has made me more than defensive. I don't know what to do, but I get defensive when people start telling me to try certain things that I've done for 4 decades. If it was that easy, I wouldn't be in the condition I am tonight. I am frazzled and at my wits end. I feel like giving up and crying my eyes out. No wonder some people have EA's, it's their only way of escaping reality. And some days, my reality really stinks.

[sandi2]

Hi GoodGuy,

I will find your forum and talk to you when I get home. I am still at the office right now. Have to do a few more things and then I'll head for the house.

[Dom R]

sorry you're having a rough day today, Sandi

[Dom R]

longer reply for you now

I understand you've tried various things. for a VERY long time now.

the trouble is, that trying the wrong thing, the wrong way, for 20 years, isnt any more effective than trying it for 20 minutes.
Even trying the "right" thing, but in the wrong way, for 20 years, has no better effect.

So... I'm trying to talk you through exploring, if there are better ways to do even things you have tried before.

Dom, I have talked, I've complained, I've cried, joked, teased, bargined, I've done everything in everyway I know how to do to get him to talk to me. There isn't any point in this.....he is not going to talk to me wheather it is b/c he doesn't know what to say or wheather he just doesn't want to talk.

Whole bunch of things that can be said about just these few sentances.

The up front thing, i guess, should be that "not wanting to talk", is not the same thing as "not wanting to talk to YOU".

not wanting to talk TO YOU, is indicative of an unresolved problem between you two.
Whereas "not wanting to talk"... could be just the way he is. and there's pretty much nothing you can do about that, that I'm aware of. you cant turn a non-talker, into a talker. no matter how much you cry, plead or beg.

If you have a need to talk a certain amount of hours a day, to feel socially connected.. (I hear that women get that way ).. then... you need to find your own social connections, to chat and meet that need within you. It is unfair to make your husband shoulder your own need for that. It's not like sex, where if one person is HD, and one person is LD, the LD person can "do stuff", even if they are not sexually aroused.

in that area, even if they are not aroused, they can choose to
to "support your spouse" in that area. It's not one of a "choice to be aroused". it's a choice to meet your spouse's sexual needs.


Being able to carry a conversation, is a skill, and a talent. It's not a choice.
What CAN be a choice, is a willingness to follow along in a conversation, if your spouse (in this case, YOU) wants to drive it.

Even in that case though.. I dont think it's fair for you to expect him to sit there while you attempt to talk his ear off for 4 hours (hypothetically speaking). [just as it isnt appropriate for an HD person to expect an LD person to keep them revved for 4 hours, if the LD person doesnt have the stamina for it].
I think it's important to work out some kind of reasonable understanding within yourself, of what to expect he is capable of.

I think that it is ALSO important for you to look a bit more at things that can be holding him back.
You dismissed the idea of, "he doesnt want to miss anything that he's watching".

Look at it this way. He's not a sports nut. but it's well known that sports-nut husbands, get really peeved, when their wives attempt to engage them in conversation during a game.
His silly sitcoms, could be like his "sports".
Rather than making assumptions and dismissing the idea... how about you talk to him about that, and ask him if it would make him more comfortable talking to you in the evenings, if he could pause those things, by getting a tivo?

Also, more talk "with" him, asking him about what kinds of situations & areas make him feel more comfy just chatting with you in a relaxed way, might help.

Some women need to "set the mood" for sex.
Some men need to "set the mood" for talk. Funny, that


Now, for what HE, can do for YOU :-)
It's definately time for him to start dressing better at home.

You've had a really nice rediscovered "honeymoon" period, I think. but now the shine is beginning to wear off.
Before it dims completely... I think that now is the time to approach him about fixing this ugly behaviour for you.
While you both still have recent positive memories and motivations to push for this stuff.

Something perhaps along the lines of,
"honey, I've really enjoyed our more positive times together these past few weeks. I'd like to continue having them. Something is getting in the way of me continuing to enjoy them, though. I cant respect you, while you are laying around the house in your underwear.
I know that you like to be comfortable... maybe theres some kind of clothes you could wear instead, that would make you also feel comfortable. sweatpants and a T-shirt maybe?
Just.. no more underwear. OK?

[Dom R]

No thoughts on the above at all, Sandi?

as far as the last bit goes: yes of course you've "asked him before".

If you actually want him to CHANGE his behaviour, though.. he's not going to change it, until you ask him at least one more time, eh?