I always seem to blow it when I'm depressed and not enough sleep. I wake up over and over each night even with a sleep aid. So the following day I'm drained and even more depressed.
He had promised me money for 3 weeks, and none. I had to call and let him know--he was at OW's -I could hear kids in the back ground...hit me hard and wrong. I asked how he likes playing daddy to a strangers kids when he's got his own that he doens't contact...that hit a nerve! He again promised he'd get it to me...he did. Said he'd send more, and I think you're right -- I'll forward bills to OW's.
I do have a budget -- I've always taken care of the bills, he just gave me the cash. But when you only get a couple bucks here and there then you fall behind. I'll transfer his address -- adn I know he wont' like it..oh well.
Told me a few conversations ago that he still loved me, he remembers the good times...so is that hopeful news or cuz he bounces back and forth is he playing me? I'm going as dark as I can other than the bills, like you said.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
I drink alot of water...exercise, my job is fairly active and I go in spurts of walking dogs or busy around the house. Last night was the first time I slept thru the night in a very long time. I take a hot bath or shower sometimes, since I've cried etc I would think I'd sleep like a rock. I woke once lunging out of bed like in attack mode, once i was grabbing at someone, another couple times I swear his voice was in my ear...Sometimes I just want to accept things are done, but since he's half of my lifetime and he's been good I can't let go so easily.
Too bad us humans are so emotional...
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
Update--as depressing as it is. I'm so confused--who aint?
Told H that I can't go from being married for 25 yrs to friendship, and since he's spending time with OW( when he's not driving his truck), not coming home that he can only call me if it has to do with bills or kids. So next day he calls, --to do with son. Then next day he calls-I see it's him and don't answer, he calls again leaves a message wanting to know how my sister is (cancer tests), but I didn't return the call (he must have called her and found out she had the test, he can call her for results). Today we talked again! To do with income -- this chk deposit was for $32 before that was $200, before that was $14!!! I asked him how he thought I was going to make payments--he hadn't been driving --spending time with OW instead. He calls back to apologize for getting snippy, said I didn't deserve it and that perhaps I should get a lawyer so I can get what I need!! He said it with sincerity--unreal. I think it takes the pressure off him, and it won't make him look like a bad guy this way. I don't want a divorce but he reminds me he's in a "realationship", he tells me he's not coming back. I told him you know it won't work out -- his reply "maybe not". The thing about doing the paperwork would be that I'd be back in control whereas after 5 months of heartache and out of control maybe this is the best thing. I want my husband--but it sure doesn't look like he wants me. I am just surprised he suggested it. But I need some income. I hate for him to lose everything--maybe it will be a wake up call, or maybe I'll have to come to reality. Opinions? I spent all morning crying. I've spent the last months crying. I've tried suggestions in the book--happy, upbeat, unavailable, etc...now I'm TLR and it sure doesn't seem much good will come.
I don't want this to happen to me.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
One of the big tradgedies of this journey is the having to witeness the spouse crash. There is nothing you can do about it, you can only sit there and watch them.
You can however, protect yourself. Just because you protect yourself does not mean that you do not want your marriage restored. It's an act of survival. If you can survive without involving legal seperation then you would be able to wait it out.
It seems to me from what you described that your H is now letting the OW interfere with his work. This is not good. When she is done with him she will just toss him out. Perhaps protecting yourself will also be a way of protecting him??
Just a thought.
Hugs
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
He's got MLC accompanied by empty nest -- she "can't live without him" and got 3 kids -- feels needed, how can I compete with that? She's a druggie (was?) and not working, and he feels like a knight in shining armor I bet. I'm more independant and strong (and he reminds me how strong I am, how he didn't think he could handle everything I'm dealing with right now). It seems he feels unneeded at home--how do I change that? I'm lost. I have no choice it seems, yet this is not my dream.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
so I filed at lunch. The lawyer was nice, said he was sorry for me, even mentioned that maybe this will be a wake up call. I doubt it...dunno. I had to call H and ask questions...then I said "this is what you want?" he said yes. I then told him I needed him too..silence..goodbye.
It's so hard to figure out -- we got along, he was missing something, MLC, empty next or whatever...and he's willing to end it for a tramp with 3 kids?
I've been on nerve pills, I take something to sleep, I try to stay busy -- but I cling to the DB book in hopes for the best. Any suggestions? Advice? Input on the filing part? God I hurt
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
This is hard. You are so brave, just know that. You may think you're not b/c of all that you are feeling - but you are brave.
What do you feel? Do you feel you did the right thing? If so, then go with it.
Only each of us can manage our situation. The DB book is a guide, to understand what MIGHT be happening. It's a framework. But you have to fill it in. We all do...each situation is different.
You trust your gut to know what's right. I used to wonder if I "did the right thing."
