no contact......how do you survive.....

[Dr.mom]

And please, newbies, don't forget. NO CONTACT will NOT give your spouse the wrong idea, that you too have walked away from the marriage.

I personally know how hard this was for me. I thought if I let go, he would be totally happy and forget all about me and all would be lost. He would finally get what he wanted, me out of his hair, and agreeing to get a divorce.

It made me physically ill to try and let go.

Yes, a few months later, I still "zing" when I see a sporadic email message from him. But I am able to read "Alien speak", and it does not bother me as such. I also have NO desire to contact him (although I still long for reconciliation and still stand for my marriage).

It DOES get easier.

I also let go of the rope, totally. Closed my eyes and said "SO let it be done" and willed myself to take whatever journey this divorce would take me through (After 4 months of WAH being adamant that he was "done" and really really really wanted a divorce). I let go of the rope.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

A week went by, I assumed I was going to get served papers any day.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

A month has gone by.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

Except I feel empowered. He's out there working out his demons.

Wish I could have done this at the beginning!!!!!! But, we all get there at our own paces!

[Jeanette1120]

Jeanette

Had lost touch with your ongoing situation. Thought that you had sold, bought, and moved on ... etc. What a surprise to find out I am completely WRONG again!!! Dang ... that bites for me.

But ... for you ... hey, you seem to be handling your big gerl self pretty good there. I agree with the dating around an OW thing. Sounds like he feels dating you would be a good thing. Now he just needs to decide it is the future he wants to move toward. The OW will become his dark past in time. You just do what you are doing and give him that time, while letting him know you will not be around forever.

Let him occasionally see the prize, but keep the door locked down tight until he deserves to be let back around. He is thinking about you while he is away. He is. And he should.

Hey W2S !!

Wow...thanks for the encouragment dude!

Here is how it happened. He was supposed to come by the house a few months ago to help (uh huh) but he CALLED and appoligized that he couldn't make it as he worked the night shift. I said "no problem" you sound tired and should just go back to sleep I threw out at him...hey! Ready to go on that date yet? (this I said in a joking light matter) He said "sure, I don't see why not, BUT I'm not ready to get involved in a serious committed relationship....Now, Imagine ME with my chin hitting the floor SPEECHLESS! I said uhmmmmm, errrr.....ok go back to sleep. BYE CLICK!

So I let a few days pass and he calls to make arrangements to come by the house....now by this time I'm dying to know what the hell he meant. Soooooooooooo......I asked. He said he doesn't see what it can hurt by us "dating". I said....Ok, just making sure you were not delirious or sleep deprived. HE LAUGHED W2S!!! HE ACTUALLY LAUGHED!

So he comes by a few days later.....things are nice, we are joking and cutting tree limbs yada yada.....predator next door walks by....I mumble something bout husbandstealingwhorebitch under my breathe...hehehehe, he looks at me and said "Oh, thats mature" Then of course....Josh had to chime in but a bit LOUDER whatever.....

So here it comes.....I said, what would you like to do when we go out? He said whatever is fine....Now I am thinking that if him and Fabs are doing so freekin well....why would he even go this far with me....so, me being me, and needing to see the picture on my menu.....I say.....uhm, is Fabs going to be ok with this? Immediate SHUT DOWN! Aack..why did I even ask or mention the word Fabs....so then he mumbles something so I said look hon...Fab is none of my concern, you are, our future is, our home is our life is. But I am not going to be the OW of the OW. I did not like it when it was happening to me.....

Fast forward....he sent me a rather nice email a few weeks ago. Now this is from someone who has sent me 5 emails in the last two years....saying he is NOT SURE if he is ready to DATE just yet. Now this is my fault cuz I left him a nasty email concerning the way he left the yard.....thats a whole nother story. However....he left it open ended. There was no, "cant you see that there is no WE! It was to my thinking, the most coherent email or what have you in 2 years....it made some sort of sense. Sorta.....

When 6 month contract on the house expired 6 months or so ago....I left it up to him to do whatever he wanted. I told him I was tired of dealing with it myself. He has done nothing. We are in some sort of holding pattern here. I do my thing, he does his thing. We are both adults. He knows I love him. He knows I am here. He knows I date. (I am not your conventional stander) He knows I will not be around forever, yet I am going nowhere any time soon. But I do need to have a life.

So.....this is where I am today W2S. Still here. I am flourishing dude!! Life is wonderful right now. I can't describe it, but will say this. Being still and letting go was the best move I ever made. Life will go on one way or the other.

I am having one teeny tiny problem tho.... The inner curiosity in me knows that.
1. He is out of town
2. I know where OW lives
3. I know he is not there....so I could go pay her a visit

Sigh...that would only show my insecurity. BLECH! But really, I'm not insecure.....I'm just curious

So, I thot it best to give him his space. He knows the deal. All this man has to do is pick up the phone.

So thats it, and Thank you W2S...LOL, see what happens when we think??

Jeanette

[Valentine]

J, don't give in to that curiosity of the OW....you will have to live with the consequences of all you do if you do that. Plus you would probably create a serious set back to dating Rich.

Also, if you are adamant that he give up the OW you need to be prepared to not see anyone else either...however, if it is only "dating" and not a "serious" thing then techinically it is not an exclusive thing...if you are okay with that, then I think you stand a chance. If Rich is okay with you seeing other people then I think you should proceed.

I would hate for you to be hurt by him again. You sound very excited and I worry that you will let him hurt you...but I suppose you have to let go and be vulnerable and perhaps that is what you are doing.

Please proceed with caution and no expectations.

I want to see you happy Jeanette, you have already had too much hurt and loss in your life.

Smooches,
Princesss

I say take it very slow.

[brandnewday]

I had a very hard time with no contact in the begining.

He was so far away and I had the kids.

But as time went by it got easier.

After going through therapy and dealing with some of my own issues, I became stronger and the "need" was gone.

I began to feel that I had some control over my life, and I could make my own choices and trust my own decisions.

I kept a journal.
I posted here.
Got involved wth church
I went for walks.
Worked in the garden, mowed the lawn.
Reorganized closets.
Tried out new recipes.
Painted the house in colors that made me happy.

[angelica]

Really good advice here on nc. Like all of us here I was shell shocked post bomb, but the one thing I immediately realised was that my h had left the planet. All I got was self-justifying, mean alien talk, and I never wanted to expose myself to that.

About 6 weeks post bomb I called and told my h excatly what I thought of his behaviour [my spew, I suppose], and since then, on the relatively rare occasions that he called I was pleasant. I called him about 4 months post bomb, and told him I still loved him, but since then I have taken contact from him as it came. [Infrequent, and when he either wanted someting or wanted to spew]

Unless you are getting very positive signs, I would suggest never initiate contact. They do mind, they do notice, but they are relived at not having to deal with you. [IMO]

For those with kids where you do have to have contact, it is hard, because they are non-rational, they do not keep to 'the rules'.
Do they actually want to hurt us? Well, I thought so, and then thought I was paranoid, but I have come to think that some of them at any rate do want to hurt us, because they are hurting so much. Sharing the pain around.

Some of these people are definitely 'nicer' in their MLC than others. My h, a lovely gentle guy has been particularly spiteful and vitriolic, but I realise [thanks to Mickey's insight] that there is so much repressed anger. My h is one of the older MLCers and he has been holding in anger behind a plastered on smile for a very looong time, and it is all coming out. I believe that I am currently gettng the 'deep levels' - because after two years he is getting worse!! hope so. COuld it get worse? Probably, but I think he would have to fire bomb the apartment.

So what I am saying is that there is little to be gained in initiating contact, and much to be gained for your peace of mind in staying out of it. If you want to reconcile, perhaps it is better to have heard less, rather than more alien spew. There is also the possibility that they may take it out on someone else [shock horror, the OW, if they can't spew at you. Just a thought]

I wish we weren't here, discussing this thread.

Hugs to all of us who are here, and have been here. A

[Jeanette1120]

So what I am saying is that there is little to be gained in initiating contact, and much to be gained for your peace of mind in staying out of it. If you want to reconcile, perhaps it is better to have heard less, rather than more alien spew. There is also the possibility that they may take it out on someone else [shock horror, the OW, if they can't spew at you. Just a thought]

Goodmorning Angelica! Wonderful post....

This particular paragraph is really really true! This is the great thing about NO CONTACT. You take away their control. You leave them whirling away and nowhere to spit and spew. Meanwhile, someone else is getting their crazy antics and your getting your MENTAL HEALTH back. So if/when/if-ever they walk out into the light again, you don't have to recall so many "ugly" things that were said during their "difficult moments"

[still hoping]

Whenever I initiate contact, I wind up shooting myself in the foot. I get answers I'm not ready to hear and the R gets pushed in the wrong direction, closer towards D.

Lately, I've been seeing more of the alien, despite being nice and trying to re-establish some kind of amicable relationship with H. I'm doing my best to stay friendly when he spews (his version, anyway) in the hopes of killing him with kindness - and with some luck, having him take his anger and frustration out on ogre, as suggested above.

It's difficult, but will keep it up for a while to see if any changes come about in the long run.

[Valentine]

My H is a manipulating, control-freak...he does not like when i try to detach...and he WON'T detach...

It keeps him going in circles...

Detaching does take away their control....

Now if I can just forget all the terrible things he did/said....

[a new 2moro]

didnt you know men spin? My british girlfriend calls it circling...

You....sweets we gotta get free of those bonds that keep the anger inside....

[yawmom]

I'm trying the NC--got a question though.
How do you make bills? I mean , H calls weekly (truck driver so not home) to find out if I have enough money -- which I don't. It's now 3 weeks of promising he'll send money. I want to call him tonight and ask about it. One week was only $12 !! I've got bills, and he tells me so sincerely that he knows they are half his and that he helped with the debts. I work but my checks won't cover only half.
So now what?
Last spoke to him Friday, I didn't want to contact him, but car payment is due. I told him I wouldn't pay the cell bill since he's using it all to call OW.
Last we spoke he said it's not as if he's in a hurry to file - what does that mean?
It's ONLY been 5 months << although it seems an enternity. I keep screwing up too--"ILY"s and crying etc. I really need NC for me. But I need to pay bills too.
So I'm ready for input...please.