Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

You guys locked me up with your bickering over my friends! Here's to you.

First off, CVA, you're clearly a scanner. If you'd read the whole thing, you would've known Heim was talking about a friend of mine, while the A-type person you and I were talking about is my sister. No reason to argue!

I had a great weekend camping. It was a bit out of my comfort zone, since I know most of the campers but not nearly as well as they know each other. Had a few down hours but shook myself out of it, remembered some stuff from therapy, and really enjoyed myself.

We all went on a great 5-mile hike, which was fantastic. Hiking is something I've always wanted to do but have never gotten around to, never had anyone to go with, hardly have gone alone, etc. So that was really nice. Met some great people, had good conversations. Remembered I'm much more a one-on-one person than a group person, but also worked on the group small-talk thing.

Got back in cell phone range and H called, asked what my plans were. Said I'd be home in a couple hours, would spend the afternoon with the kids, then was going out in the evening.

H: Yeah, that doesn't work for me.
me: Do you remember that I have concert tickets for tonight?
H: No.
me: We emailed back and forth about it.
H: Well, sucks for me. Okay. Bye.

Got home and H and kids were out; showered, H and kids showed up followed by H's folks. H ignored me. Talked to the folks. MIL said, "If you guys split up, you should have a party and invite all your friends, show them there's no war going on." H went inside. Apparently not a popular idea with him.

H asked when I planned to leave, told him, he shook his head in disbelief and left.

When he returned, he told me the time's not working for him, he needs all the evenings this week. Can't phone for apartments with the kids around. I thought for a split second and said, "Okay."

Wish now I'd said, "That sounds rough. Let me think about it" or "That sounds rough. Would you like to get a sitter for one of your nights?"

Truth is he was so tightly wound and so clearly unhappy/angry/whatever that I was a bit intimidated and didn't want to start a fight. Talked to friend; friend says 1) I'm letting him walk on me, 2) This is setting a precedent, and 3) He (friend) thinks this is going to get ugly. Scary stuff.

Got two emails from H over the weekend in response to mine asking him to refrain from hanging out with the kids and COW until we talked to kid C. H said sorry, not going to do that. Then in the second message clarified that since COW doesn't fit into the category of someone he's dating or interested in, but is rather a very dear friend who's not going anywhere soon, that it's moot; said he's glad we agree on keeping the kids away from romantic entanglements. Added a snarky, "Lucky for you..." there's no way they could hang out until after the talk anyway.

So there you go: H claims no romantic interest in COW. I'll have to take his word for it. We'll see what C says.

On a muuuch cheerier note, returned from camping to a message from an old acquaintance. Months back, pre-bomb, I'd met a guy at a place I used to hang out a lot. He's beautiful, sweet, and fun to talk to. I'd thought of introducing him to a friend of mine, but he suddenly disappeared (thought he was moving back east).

After what turned out to be our last conversation, I realized, holy cow! He's interested in *me*, shocking to me in my very married state. Anyway, after he disappeared I asked this old acquaintance to call me if he showed up again (so I could see if he wanted to hang out with my friend). And this weekend, I got a call from the friend, telling me the guy's back around and has been asking about me, and gave me his cell number.

I'm not a big fate person, but I sure appreciate the timing of this info. I spent about four hours wondering whether or not I should call him, asking myself what I wanted, what I was looking for, etc.

And whatever you're going to say: too late! I called.

Got a message back saying how happy he was to hear from me, how sad he'd been to go back to the hangout after school was over, then again on break, then again at the end of summer and not find me there. Said he felt like we'd "left a cool conversation hanging" and he'd like to get back to it, likes talking to me, let's hang out.

By the way, the "cool conversation" was about whether or not it's okay to sleep with someone who's married, as he'd had a big come-on from a married woman (and had declined).

Talked to good friend about it last night, who asked whether I was still interested in setting this guy up with my friend. I said I wasn't sure, but it certainly wasn't among the top two reasons I'd like to see him, which include he's great to talk to and someone I'd like to be friends with, and I think he's cute and I think he thinks I'm cute, and that would be really nice, especially after living months with Mr. "I Don't Want to Be with You." Friend said it's good to be clear on your reasons, and go for it.

Friend also said I don't have to consider it a date for it to be a date.

Okay, people, let her rip!

I hope you all had a great weekend. Take care.

[Nomopo]

Hi Puddle. Read your post, will respond later, and smiled through just about all of it (cept the parts where H was a tool). Back later, but wanted you to know you've been bookmarked!

Nomo

[Puddle]

Hey Nomo,

I'll look forward to hearing what you have to say! Thanks for checking in.

Two new things: H apologized for being a jerk, said the concert and camping weren't supposed to be the same weekend (they were; I said nothing), but said there was no excuse for his anger.

Second: He's been talking to someone and has changed his tune on the money side of things. Originally he said he wanted to be sure not to "burden" me with any more woes, so we'd keep the house, he'd pay whatever regardless of what the law said, etc.

Now he says I can buy him out or we can sell next year, asks if I'm planning to continue homeschooling, gave me a child-support number he's heard, etc.

This is a scary change for me, and part of me wants to point out the impact so far---no remodel, may have to sell the house, may have to put the kids in school to work, etc---and tell him this change in attitude makes me anxious.

Bad idea? Just keep my mouth shut and deal with it through mediation? Help.

Okay, and I'm still veeeery curious to hear people's thoughts about the guy thing.

Take care.

[Heimlich]

Wait until mediation on the logistics of the D unless you feel your H is willing to discuss things with you openly. Speculating why he's changing is pointless, as you know. Home school v work v freelance are all things you knew you'd have to consider anyway. I think you're more surprised that H brought it up and is pushing this forward. Nothing new or surprising here, I don't think.

On the guy thing. Given the content of your conversation, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he's definately interested in you. If he was interested in you while you were married . . .

Get your separation agreement in place first. Given that your H is wanting to see other people, there most likely won't be a non-dating clause. Then, if you want to go for a beer/coffee with the guy, go ahead.

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Wait until mediation on the logistics of the D unless you feel your H is willing to discuss things with you openly.

That's a tough call. I think he's open to talking, but I'd have to be really careful. I know we'd have to hammer it out in mediation, but I'm wondering about opening up about how I'm feeling about it, I guess.

Home school v work v freelance are all things you knew you'd have to consider anyway. I think you're more surprised that H brought it up and is pushing this forward. Nothing new or surprising here, I don't think.

Sigh, I think you're right. Once again I'm reminded that it's one thing to know it and another to hear it. I wonder how many more of these are waiting down the line?

Given the content of your conversation, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he's definately interested in you. If he was interested in you while you were married . . .

...then he might still be interested? Is that where you're going? And yeah, reflecting on that conversation is what finally caused a light bulb to go off in my thick head.

Get your separation agreement in place first....Then, if you want to go for a beer/coffee with the guy, go ahead.

So you're saying it'd be a date, even if he's the only one who might be looking for something? (That was my friend's position: only one person has to be interested for it to be a date.)

Regardless, though H is clearly open to dating (and told me early on he'd know I'm okay when I start dating), you still think I need a legal doc in place before I have coffee with the guy?

Okay, let me throw yet another question out there. The place I met him was my old haunt, a place near and dear to my heart. H also met COW (my friend) there. It's a place where often people know too much about each other's business (especially since COW's psycho ex announced to everyone that COW and H were having an affair before H ever dropped the bomb, but then again he also said COW and *I* were having an affair).

I haven't been back since H dropped the bomb. I've assumed that everyone knows far more about my sitch than I'd care to share, and to be honest, my pride won't let me go.

Lately I've been thinking that for the sake of humility---Homer's "why not me?"---I might go back. I think I've overestimated who knows (or cares), and I feel like I've lost something---to my pride, and to H and COW---that was MINE.

And lastly, I could have a beer with this guy there without it being a date.

Thoughts?

[Heimlich]

I'm too tired to do the semantics of what's a date versus what's not a date. Though I do think there is a difference between "hey, let's meet for beer/coffee and talk" (with kindof the underlying/back of mind thought, might be something here, let's find out) versus a DATE, "OMG, he/she is soooo cute. I'm wearing my good panties/non tidy whities just in case I make a bad decision." Know what I mean?

Anyway, if you want to meet for coffee or beer, I honestly see nothing wrong with it. My only concern without a separation agreement is that IF your H decides to get nasty, that leaves you open to suspicion and you could get screwed. That make sense?

Also, don't see anything wrong with you talking to H about the separation prior to mediation. Again, he's just been so twitchy lately it seems that it could devolve into pointless arguing quickly. Good that he apologized for being rude. That's a nice change of pace for him.

BD

[Heimlich]

Oh, and there's no reason for you to avoid your old hang out. After all, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Your H does. Not you. Go. Have fun. Spill a drink on COW.

BD

[Just_Me]

I think you shouldn't let him work the numbers or drive finances, etc. You should do your own research. I'm fairly sure that most states have child support guidelines online. I would figure out exactly how much he should be paying. It never works when one spouse says, "I'll just pay for x,y, or z", because then you have to rely on someone that is unreliable to make an important payment for you. Much wiser to get the money. You need to figure out if some things like homeschooling are even financially feasible. Most divorced people find that they can't manage without working. You should go into any mediation with a pretty good idea of what you want out of all this.

You aren't ready to date, even if it does stroke your ego a bit to have someone interested. It's still too new to you. I do believe it would pique your H's interest in you, but emotionally, you aren't ready for that.

Lastly, from what little I read, I would say that some of your husband's anger may be the fact that you are getting a life and he doesn't like it. I think there is some jealousy involved. It may even explain why he'd like to pin you at home with the kids.

[Nomopo]

FWIW . . .

I think you shouldn't let him work the numbers or drive finances, etc. You should do your own research. [. . .] Much wiser to get the money. You need to figure out if some things like homeschooling are even financially feasible. [. . .] You should go into any mediation with a pretty good idea of what you want out of all this.

I agree.

You aren't ready to date, [. . . .] It's still too new to you.

Yeah, I agree too, but if you think you can go out and have fun without getting into something (which would be tough tough tough), . . .

I do believe it would pique your H's interest in you, but emotionally, you aren't ready for that.

Yep and yep.

Lastly, from what little I read, I would say that some of your husband's anger may be the fact that you are getting a life and he doesn't like it. I think there is some jealousy involved. It may even explain why he'd like to pin you at home with the kids.

Wholeheartedly agree!!

Nomo

[Heimlich]

Originally Posted By: Just_Me
Lastly, from what little I read, I would say that some of your husband's anger may be the fact that you are getting a life and he doesn't like it. I think there is some jealousy involved. It may even explain why he'd like to pin you at home with the kids.

Wholeheartedly agree!!

Wish I had thought of that. Rings true.

Just to clarify, Puddle, don't think you're ready to DATE either. Still, if you're comfortable meeting someone for a drink or coffee and conversation then you need to decide why you're doing it and if you're comfortable doing it.

BD