Hi all, I have been posting in newcomers for awhile now and havn't gotten many responses in the last few weeks, so I thought that I would repost under MLC. Quick update, W dropped bomb in June 07, I found out she was having an EA with high school boyfriend from 32 years ago. She will be 50 in december, we have a D 20 and S 18, both in college. Took me till early september to find this site, and I wish I had found it sooner. Did all kinds of things wrong at first, snooping her emails, cell phone records, etc. W agreed to go for counseling, and we had 2 sessions at a worthless C who agreed with everything my W said and then told me that I had to get to my W's level. This counselor wanted us to put everything on the table, and I had copies of emails to the OM, and that is what sent my W over the top. Within days of our 2nd C session, she filed. I found another C that was recommended by our pastor, and he is very good and marriage oriented. We are seeing him individually at this point and I hope soon that he will have us together to work things out. W has changed towards me alot since I started the DB, she isnt nasty like she used to be, and wants to chat alot. Biggest concern I have is that her work sitch is very stressful, she has a bulging disc in her neck and is on meds, and I have told her that I will be here to listen and support. She was on prednisone a few weeks ago and was like another person. She was her old self. I think she needs hormone therapy for menopause, and of course wont listen to anyone about this. W now thinks that we need to buy a new refrigerator, and she and the D today went shopping for one. I told her that there is no need to buy a new refrig if this R is going to be over next year. She said she was just looking. W has been all over the place lately, sometimes talking alot, other times acting like she is mad at the world (probably me). I think that everything has come crashing down for her this year, turning 50, kids leaving the house, menopause, EA, and god knows what else. Anyone out there with info on what menopause can do? I have tried all I can to get her to the doctor, but she thinks that there is nothing wrong with her. I know this was long, but hard to not keep writing about all the thoughts in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hormone therapy won't help mlc. If she is in mlc, or having a crisis over entering her second adulthood, your ride on the roller coaster from hell may just be starting. It can "easily" take a person in crisis two years or more to complete the process of this transition.
They will try everything within their grasp to run from the inevitable. They will blame you and others for not wanting them to be 17 again. Expect other shopping, for younger clothes, or whatever they think will make them happy. If it is only a fridge, you are lucky so far. At least you will get to use the fridge. Many have had to pay for Harleys, cars, and other toys to be used in pursuit of fun ... with OP.
Be her rock. Be your rock. Focus on your faith. Give her space.
Be prepared for her to re-write the history of you life and your M. If it is mlc, expect to hear that M to you was a mistake and she never really loved you. If she feels you are holding her from finding her joy, she will try to destroy you to be free.
This may not be the support you hoped to find on a mlc forum, but mlc is not about hormones and it can't be "fixed". The reality of mlc is you are only an observer, unless you become a victim of her crisis. She must go through a life changing process and the harder she fights it, the worse it will be and the longer it will take.
Your best hope for a non-catostrophic outcome in less that two to five years, is for her to complete this journey within herself without fighting it.
Look for some archived posts at the top of this forum for more on mlc.
Was2sad, W has already tried to rewrite the M. She said that she knew on the altar 22 years ago that it was a mistake. Has said many other things that are too many to write here. This was over 2 months ago when all this came out in therapy with our first worthless C. Since I started DBing at the beginning of sept, things have changed alot. The tension isn't nearly as thick as it has been. She has begun to start conversations with me out of the blue. She tells me about what is going on with her at work. Still don't know what she wants to do, but I have time on my side. I have a C session on friday with a soulution based therapist, actually we are both seeing him individually. Hope to find out some of W's thoughts then. Still think that the W is afraid to leave b/c she has doubts. Interesting, my S came home from college for the weekend and wants to ask me about the big D. I told him that I would be as honest as I could. He wanted to know what really happens in D. I told him that in our state, (PA) you have 2 years to wait before D becomes final. Told him what W wants in petition, alimony, (pre)alimony, and that she has no means of support. This is all BS b/c, she makes more money than me, the pre alimony is more for custody issues and the like in case she would have to move out and take care of minor children, (both my kids are in college and over 18), and she has an executive job that pays almost double what I make. S is studying psychology, and he just says that his mom is acting on emotion and she doesnt know what she wants. S also said that he doesn't think that it is fair to D if only one wants it. I told him that that is the way it is today. No matter what the LBS wants, the D goes through. W's L put her up to all this, and unfortunately, my L says that hers is a shark, and won't be satisfied until I am out on the street, with nothing left. So much for my W telling me that she wanted this to amiable and 50/50. Thats ok. If it comes to D, I am in a better position to keep the house, and get alimony than my W.
Any explanation out there on W's moods? The last couple of weeks, the W has been pretty nice and chatty, however last nite I could tell in her eyes that she was miserable. My W worked late and I ordered takeout from the local deli. I wanted to go for a walk before it got dark, so I ate and then went for my walk. When I got home the W was at the computer and she had eaten what i brought for her. She made some comment about how chilly the air was, and I agreed with her and said that I should have worn something heavier. But I could tell that she was miserable. We each then did our own thing, and while I was in another room, I heard her leave. About a half later she came back and I was in the kitchen. She said that we needed milk, and went to get some. The store is about 4 blocks down the street, so it wouldnt have taken her a half hour to go and come back. No big deal, however she again looked miserable, and this morning when I told her to have a good day, she looked at me and said see you tonite. I could see in her eyes that she was miserable, and I just wonder for those of you who've had this sitch, if the W can't contact the OM, is she miserable, and if she does contact him, is she happy? I know that over the last few weeks, she has had hardly any episodes of being miserable. Any help would be appreciated. Just have to journel my thoughts.
Just to update my sitch. W this week is completely different. Very chatty and more nice than in previous weeks. She actually came home last night at her normal time, which is a change b/c D was not here. She usually is home on time when D and boyfriend are here, and when not, she is most always late. Guess she has nothing to come home to. Anyway, she came home and then went to the computer to pull up some pix she had sent from work about an old spring house that is on the company property. There used to be a farmhouse and barn, and they tore them down to put up the facility my W now works at. They had a spring house that supplied the farm with water, and my W and other employees were there taking pics yesterday. She actually called me over to the computer to show me the pix, and also in the meantime had her outlook express open for her email. This is the first time in 6 months or so that she had actually let me see something (with her) on the computer. Also with her email up in a small box, i could see who sent her emails that day. I consider this to be a small step forward, as before she was always very secretive with the computer and always would switch screens when i came in the room. I told her that the pix were neat and that it was a good idea the company kept the building. Again probably just a small baby step, but if the W was so hell bent on D, why would she be so interested in showing me things from work? Probably b/c she knows I am interested in old buildings and such. Will be an interesting weekend, as we are babysitting the 7 month old nephew of D's boyfriend. Baby was over the other night for a few hours and W seemed like she was in heaven when she was feeding and playing with him. Maybe menopause and empty nest are playing big roll in what W is experiencing. Can only hope that these positive steps keep happening. One day at a time, as the rollercoaster may just start on the downturn at any moment.
Hi all, havn't posted in a while. W is has been all over the place the last few weeks, from being nice and chatty, to being completely miserable. Got to be the mood swings. Lately though, the W has been leaving early for work, before I or my D get up, to go to daily mass at the local catholic church, and then leaves there for work. She also has been leaving notes in the morning saying that she won't be home until late, or is going out to dinner. Not a big deal, but i think that the guilt factor is really beginning to have an affect. I have to believe that the more she is at home, the more that everything that she is doing with the OM is coming home to roost. Just like me, when i am at work or hanging out with friends or my kids, it feels much better than coming home knowing she is there. I have to tell you what happened on sat nov 3rd after my last post. We babysat the nephew of my D's boyfriend on friday nite, and i wound up sleeping on the couch in the living room. My son was home from college for the weekend, so his bed wasnt available, and the D's boyfriend was on the sofa bed downstairs. So obviously i didn't sleep well at all, and when the W came down on sat morning, she looked at me and then got upset that she had told my D to sleep with her so i could have a bed to sleep in. Well i got nasty with her with something like "why in the hell do you care where i sleep"? I later apologized and told her i was just tired. W just said ok. I cant believe she wanted to blame my D for something she has brought on. Later my W took my D's car to the corner store about 4 blocks away to buy juice for breakfast, and on the way back got T-boned at an intersection by someone who was talking on a cell phone. W called everyone else before calling home about what happened and i spent an hour on the phone with the insurance company. I know what the W was doing while going to the store. She uses this time to talk to the OM, and I am still pissed that b/c of this, she wrecked my D's car. We got a rental from the others insurance, but my D cant drive it b/c she is not 21. My W refuses to drive it and i dont want my D to drive my car b/c it is pretty old and has lots of miles and is kind of quirky, so i am now driving the rental while we had to borrow my nephews car while he is away at school. My W is a PIA (pain in the ass). She causes all these problems, and doesnt seem to be bothered by them. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt her fault for the accident, but if she wasnt longing for talk with OM, this might not have happened. She has filed for D, hasnt talked about it at all, hasnt pushed me to do anything about it, and I keep thinking that she only did this because the OM was pushing her. With her concerned about my sleep, I am still getting little hints like this that she still has some feelings. Still continuing to DB and GAL, and am making plans with D and S to do things on the weekends after thanksgiving, and when they are home on holiday break. W has now been hanging out with her mommy and daddy, as the are supporting her 100%. I am sure that she has told them all kinds of stories. Since my D has been living at home and commuting to school, i have been trying to keep things on an even keel, and not to involve her. However over the last week since my W has been behaving strangely and leaving notes and not coming home, my D has noticed big time and asked me the other day what was wrong with mom. I just told her that she doesnt know what she wants, and must be struggling with her decision to D me. I left it at that, but i kind of planted a seed, and told her that the next time they go shopping, say something to her about how she is acting. Say she is worried about her, and that she might be depressed and needs to see the doctor. Dont know if it will help, but if the W sees the kids are noticing her behaviour, she may want to do something about it. However, i know that someone who is truly in MLC will not notice that they are acting strange. My S made the b-ball team at college and his first game is tonite and my W is taking my IL's and my D and I are driving seperately to the game. Kinda pissed at the IL's for their 100% support, but i know that the W has been telling everyone that WE have been thinking about this for 2 years and waited until the kids were in college before WE divorce. Still cant figure that one out. Again if she really wants this D, why is she afraid that people will find out? Dont they understand that eventually it will all come out? My kids aren't stupid. They will know. If the W shows up after the D with the OM, she is going to crush their spirits. I can only hope that this will continue to be a major problem for her and that she will see that what she is doing is going to destroy her, the family, and many of her friends. She seems to now also want to test her independence by getting the oil changed in the car, to checking the air in the tires and so forth. This is all ok, as i have been trying to teach my D about all this stuff. It is good to know. But you know what? I can cook, clean, fix a door lock, lay a floor, fix the roof, do laundry, fix the car, and a whole host of other things. Can my W do all of that? When the door lock broke the other week, i fixed it for $6, she would have had to call the locksmith and probably pay $50 bucks. Sorry this is long, just have to journal my thoughts. If anyone out there is experiencing the same things, feel free to respond. Patience my -ss.
Need some advice from you wise DBers. I havent really told anyone about what the W is doing other then some family members and a few coworkers who are going thru the same thing. D20 is starting to question what mom is doing, and i need to know if i should tell her the truth? I have been telling her that mom is struggling with the D and is having other issues. People at church have been asking why we dont come together some times. Do I tell them all what's happening? Part of me says to tell them she wants a D and is having EA/PA, but the other part tells me that i dont want to destroy any chance of reconcilation. I know these people would be devastated if they knew the truth. So how about it? Any thoughts on how to handle this sitch?
