Well, I am moved back in after 2 years and 4 months. She it just sort of happened. I weaved my way back into her life after some plain talk and DBing. I also got her back by just demanding that she respect me as much as I do her, but gently. And showing her what she was missing helped as well!
BUT...
She has not severed ties with someone. I do not know who this someone is. I do know that after about the third week of me staying over night (I had not actually moved back in yet but had been staying there and keeping my apartment, just in case)she suddenly had this new leather bracelet which reads "Live In Love."
When I asked her (nicely and cheerfully) where she got it she told me that it was from her students. She is a music teacher and had kids from Kindergarten to 4th grade. I knew that she was lying. And I got my confirmation on that when I found a pic of herself on her phone with this sly sexy look on her face holding up the bracelet on her wrist to show whoever she was showing it to. This pic was taken 9/29 and it's still on her phone. She wears this bracelet daily and to bed.
I was basically able to ignore it until I found out the accompanying picture which was obviously to show whoever sent it to her that she got it and was wearing it.
Now, I basically think that the reasons for her waering it are these:
1. She doesn't want to completely give up her "freedom" and shut the door on anything outside of us because it is still too early to tell if we're actually back together for good.
2. She wants to test me to see if I will do something or say something about it, thinking that I may go back to my old ways and be a jerk about it, or demand that she lose it or take it off.
Now, here is how I am trying to look at it:
1. SCREW HIM! If he thinks that this is enough to keep her around he forgets that I live with her, sleep in bed with her nightly, eat with her, take care of out kids with her and have GREAT sex with her.
2. If I ignore it, it will eventually go away. And I WILL WIN!
But I still can't help but really want to just tell her to take it the hell off! UGH!
This is difficult.
Any advice for the man who really wants this to work?
Get a slim, gold or silver, whichever she likes, very simple bracelet. I guess that's what I would like though -- what would SHE like?
My question is this though: why are you moving back in if she is still having some sort of EA?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm not sure that she is having an EA. And it's part of my DBing strategy: be a better man for her than the others could be by being there for her. Her mom recently passed away, which was a large concern of mine: would I try to support her and be there for her or just leave her alone and let her come to me? All of those questions were answered when it actually happened and I was just THERE when she needed me.
I even had to walk away from the situation a few times during the wake so I could regroup because she was not taking the time to introduce me to people when they spoke with her. I felt very put out by that and get a bit angry at her for not introducing me at all to anyone. It was as if she was not acknowledging the fact that I was her husband. BUT, I "manned-up" and took a walk outside, got my breath, paced about for a bit and walked it off, because I knew that the situation was not about ME it was about HER and her mom dying. I was a realist and just let it the hell go.
Later on that night I got a very earnest "thank you" from her for helping her out during that time esp with the kids. I could tell that this meant alot to her and had to think "SCORE!" Hey, all the points I can get with her are good ones. It's not like I'm using this as an opportunity to just score points, though...please don't think that. I genuinely want to be there for her and love her enuf to help out in all ways.
And as far as getting her a replacement bracelet, that's not gonna happen for a couple of reasons. That would mean I would have to ask her to take the other one off, which would blow my cover. Plus she does have another wrist you know! So she'd prob just leave the other one on anyhow and put mine on her other wrist. Also, I am not in any sort of financial shape to spend money on that. This separation took a large financial toll on us and we're trying to clean all of that up now. Maybe for Xmas.
I do think that she is moving away from whoever this is. But the damn thing still sits there on her wrist to this day.
M:42 W:38 D:9 S:6 married: 15+ together: 12.5 Bomb dropped: 4/18/05 Back together: 9/30/07 In trouble again: NOW
I noticed that she hasn't been as concerned with wearing that damn wristband all of the time now. She even went and entire weekend without putting it on. I thot that I may have actually seen the last of the thing...but she started to wear it again.
So, last nite she took a shower and took it off for that, but then left it on the counter overnight. I had to get up to "answer nature's call" and discovered it there. I began to curse the existence of it then it came to me: PUT IT ON.
So I did. Wore it all night while we slept.
This morning she is almost ready for work and at the door when she decides to run upstairs. When she comes back down she asks "You wouldn't happen to know where my wristband is would you?" So I declare back, "Yeah...on my wrist."
She looks at me for a second and then asks for it back. I playfully deny her request, saying "No, I wanna wear it." She pesters me, but not nastily or angrily, but I playfully refuse. Then my 6-yr-old daughter chimes in with "Daddy what do you have?" So I say back to her, "Mommy doesn't want to share it...now that's not nice is it?"
So my wife dropped the subject and we went to work.
We'll have to see how this plays out, but basically I want to keep wearing it to see how she reacts to that, but also to take the stigma of where it originated from it. Also, I now have an attachment to it, creating dissonance with her association to whoever gave it to her.
I'll have to keep you posted!
M:42 W:38 D:9 S:6 married: 15+ together: 12.5 Bomb dropped: 4/18/05 Back together: 9/30/07 In trouble again: NOW
Firstly thank you for returning to share your success. 2 yrs is a great effort and I am sure your W appreciates you sticking to your path. I am impressed with how you handled the bracelet issue , will be interested in how this proceeds. I think you have a lesson here for a lot of us in that sometimes we need to let things slide and keep our eye on our goals.
I love how you put such a positive twist on what could have been an awkward or ugly situation. You made fun of it, at your own expense and made it playful. That is really inspiring to see such a good reaction out of that situation.
I am so glad that even though your sitch has worked out, you still post here and keep us all hopeful.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
