You won't believe it. Following the honesty policy, my husband came to me today and said he wanted to get clean. He thought I was still bothered and that he wanted to end all my doubts once and for all because he felt he was loosing me for good. He showed me his credit card statement and told me while I was on a business trip last month he hired a call girl to to see if the sex problem was mine or his. He said he couldn't get any pleasure, that he actually could not get it going because he thought of me. He said he felt terrible and low and that he could not do that anymore or ever again. He said he couldn't believe he did that but he figured it out that the male validation issue is an illusion and that he had a very precious thing at home. He said he wants to rebuild our marriage but would understand if after this I wanted to leave but thinks that although I may feel very wounded by it he is sure now that he wants me and wants to be married with me and that by doing that he had a breakthrough. He also said he has no continuous affair.
Guess my gut feeling was right. There was still a bomb coming. He was too concerned with me and started to look after me physically again these days, now I can see why. I do not know what to do. I don't feel anything but numbness and clouds in my head. I was so shocked I could not cry and still can't, it's just this unbelievable pain in my chest. It's like something broke inside of me. I feel devastated but the weird thing is that I feel relieved that he confirmed to himself the sex problem was his not mine. Also for the first time my gut feeling sensed honesty coming from him. I am disappointed it had to come to this point so he could appreciate me.
But how can I trust him ever again and cope with this huge bomb? Despite his words seems to be a love declaration how can one forgive without going nuts for the next days? Should I trust him? Or this confession has to do with the fact he thought I was going to discover this too? Well, I am so in pain I do not know what questions I should be asking myself right now.
I would also appreciate some help from a male perspective.
Ok, not a male perspective, but obviously I can't know anything for sure -- I'm not there, but I would hope that he confessed this to you for the reasons he says he is.
If, in fact, he is confessing b/c he wants to have everything out in the open and he wants to now rebuild your M, you have a decision to make.
I honestly believe the trust will come back in time. Not right away, but if you truly love your H and want to stay married to him, you will be able to work through this, I think.
As horrible as it is, it may actually be a good thing (kind of like actually separating before you can "get back together"). He is finally deciding he needs to quit all his "shenanigans" (as my H called his) and wants to be honest w/ you and get on w/ rebuilding.
Do you believe him when he says that he truly loves you? If you can answer this "yes," I think you have your answer for right now. The rest will have to come in time.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
"Do you believe him when he says that he truly loves you? If you can answer this "yes," I think you have your answer for right now. The rest will have to come in time."
That made me think a lot.
Yes, I think he loves me but (the terrible but)I keep wondering if I live besides him, will I ever be happy again?
Next week is my birthday and all I want to do is disappear from the scene for a while, leave him with no clue where I am. I am afraid though that he will contact my parents if I do it and I don't want anyone else suffering for this.
He says that he feels sorry for telling me because of the numb state I am in right now. He said he needs to have patience,though. I don't want to punish him for telling me the truth however it's becoming harder and harder to be around him hour after hour.
I agree with you. I will have to trust time before I learn if I can do truly make it. Right now I don't now about my love for him anymore, it's like a death news when you know something disappeared from this world and will not return ever again.
I totally, totally understand what you are saying. I never thought MY HUSBAND could do & say the things he did. Honestly, it took time for the trust to come back and it took time before I wasn't constantly thinking about the whole sitch constantly.
It's kind of like grieving -- you have to go through different emotions and the whole process.
The love you have for your husband right now will never be the same as when you got married or even last week. The husband you are now married to will always be a different person than the person you married, however, that's not necessarily bad.
I would say, if you honestly want to work on your M, just tell him you need some time away. He should understand that. Go away and have some time to yourself, away from him. Time to think and then come back fresh.
Will you ever be happy? I guess you have to again ask yourself the same question -- do you love your husband? If the answer is "yes," then you can and will be able to heal from this and rebuild a better marriage than you had before.
Everything happens for a reason; I truly believe that. I actually am thankful for my D sitch and all that went along w/ it. If it hadn't happened, H and I would not be where we are today and would be in a far worse place than we were prior to the D sitch even happening. If it hadn't happened when it did, we may not have been able to actually work through it and get through it the way we have been able to.
I really think it would be a good thing for you to just get away, even for a few days, by yourself to just "air yourself out" as my Dad would say. Give yourself some time away, by yourself, to decompress and then maybe you will have some better answers for yourself.
One thing I would say for sure is DO NOT make any rash decisions right now while all the pain is so fresh & new.
I just want to reiterate again, the husband you are married to and the M you have will never be the same, but they can actually be better. We learn so much going through these situations and our M's are actually better and more fulfilling b/c we learn so much. Some people just "toodle" along for years in a rut and neither one does anything about it so there is no reason for change.
Take this as the opportunity to make a new and better than ever marriage. Remind yourself of why you love your H. Remind yourself why you married him and think of all of his positive attributes.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You are in shock. No need to make any decisions right now. If the tears haven't come, they will. Let them.
After I found out about H's PA, I couldn't even drink from the same soda as him. I hated washing his clothes, I couldn't even look at his hands, thinking where they had been. This is changing SLOWLY and it will for you too.
Your husband could have gone about his life and never said a word about what he did. You may have never found out about it. He was brave and came to you. Like you said, at the least, it relieves you of the guilt of being the 'cause' of the sexual issues, but he did do something very wrong.
Its hard to accept, but RHW is right, our marriages will never, EVER be the same, we won't be the same either. Trust will never be completely back, how can it be, after being so hurt and betrayed. BUT...things can be different, even better.
You need to wait this one out. Get away if you need to, but keep H informed if you leave, that way no one will panic if you are gone.
I cannot be thankful enough for your helpful replies. After a sleepless night (although I asked him to sleep in another bedroom) it was very soothing to hear from you. You are right, I have to come to terms that I will need the courage to accept that I cannot change the past and things will never be the same again.I will also be away for a couple of days and inform him. To be around him is making me feel sick and I want to try to concentrate on what was good about our marriage.
After reading your messages I also reflected that something about my dependence on this marriage ended. I felt ready to GAL no matter what are going to be the results of what happened. Is that how it feels to be detached?
Since we both work many hours I always felt like we should spend our leisure time together and I keep wondering that if I didn't do it may be my resentment would be lighter as I would have other things in my life to turn to. I am confused on how we can love and hate someone at the same time.
I don't know if it's a coincidence but I spoke to my mom on the phone today and she told me she ran into one of my cousins yesterday with whom I am developing some business. He told her that he is learning from me about being fearless and pursuing goals. So after some refreshing moments at the swimming pool I have decided to write a journal and write my goals. I will make plans to pursue them, take advantage of my professional training and bring it to my personal life.
Today my H put some effort not to take me out or feel hurt by my numbness which I appreciated. However I do not know if he grasps the concept that I don't understand why he made a decision like that in September if we were struggling to put our marriage together again and something like that would even be harder to forgive if I had discovered by myself. Why do people make stupid decisions like that? I guess I know the answer but it is always hard to accept, right?
Right now I think that the best I can accomplish is to take your advice and focus my hopes towards thoughts that things will be different and better for us eventually.
Hurt, I posted this to you on LWB's thread, I wanted to make sure read it, so I'm double posting.
Hurt, you go girl! Be sure to put it on all of the pillows since you will be gone. Why not try hanging one of your sexy nighties somewhere in the bathroom. You could always tell him that you had to handwash it and you were letting it hang dry if he asks. I'm naughty, I can't help it....;)
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
