How do you deal with evidence of contining affair?

[Beth 83]

Hi All,

New to the forums...just posted my full thread under MLC, but I have a quick question.

My husband and I are separated, with him still w/ the OW. But, we still have some shared accounts. Things will pop up that show he is continuing the A--like EZ-Pass toll payments near her place, even our UPromise account showing him using his credit card for a dinner in NYC! I have known the A has been continuing and finally been good at stopping my obsessive thinking about it and monitoring his whereabouts. But, how do you deal with getting surprise proof of the continuing A? Also, I'm seeing him next week, should I mention this to him?

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi Beth, I haven't been on the forums very long but my understanding is that we are not supposed to bring up anything related to the OW. I would like to know how you were able to stop your obsessive thinking about the OW/him and monitoring his whereabouts? I am still trying to get this under control.

[theotherhalf]

I have read others sitches and some S's talk to LBS about OM/OW. I think this would ease S's mind. Would bring it out in the open without them having to "confess". I don't know if this is right or not. But it's what I think and so have been bringing OW up lightly in conversations with H.

Again I don't know if it is right but it is what I am doing just a tiny bit.

[Beth 83]

LuvMyHusband, The obsessing slowed down just over time. With me, I knew he was still with her and that the "proof" I was looking for just kept hurting me because it gave me more details that I really didn't want to know. I just felt worn down from the details. Whenever I felt anxious and wanted to try and track his every move, I would pick up one of my self-help books and read some and that would help me. Also what helped was I just accepted the fact that he was with her and there was nothing I could do to control that. There was nothing I could do to control it, so I let it go--I let it be.

It also sort of hit me to stop when a friend compared my obsessing to someone w/ bulemia. The binging and purging felt good momentarily for a bulemic, but the binging and purging had worse consequences than that momentary good feeling.

Definitely try getting out of the house, read something that is constructive and just try and let it be.

[LL44]

Hi Beth and welcome. Sorry you have to be here though.

I also just got a bomb this week that the A is continuing with H and OW. They aren't in contact physically but still have serious feelings for each other. I confronted H about it, but did it very calmly and only took a minute to cover it. H has told me recently that he is 'numb' to talking about OW with me, so I have tried to let up.

I don't know if you should bring it up or not. Where will it get you? Will he be defensive? I know H thinks I am snooping and he feels he has no privacy (this is NOT true, by the way) so he gets angry/defensive if I bring something up.

I think the 'pros' on here would say to not bring it up, not give OW the time of day. Be above it, be positive, be the beacon. You should give the air that you don't have time to be in 'his mess', that you are doing fine on your own.

Wow to the bullemia reference-very very true. Sad.

Keep us posted.

[Beth 83]

Hi All, I've still been very good at not keeping track of WAH. There are times that I get sooo panicky and want to, but just don't. This is all just so hard, though. Ugh.

[NCplayer]

Dear Beth, I'm sort of dealing with the same situation..but for the last 5 years!

If you have proof of an ongoing affair your H and OW are living in never-never land and there is no reality for them except each other.

My story is too long to tell, but now knowing for sure that there is someone else is actually very important for me as I can now move on, divorce, and find someone who wants to be with me. I will never trust her again after all the things she has told me so I need her out of my life. I unfortunately feel that once someone has cheated and tasted the forbidden fruit, then they will probably do it again. More importantly, I doubt you will ever trust him again now that he has done the deed. These things just happen, unfortunately. He may repent, but I would only believe him/her after a solid divorce and a least a couple of years divorced to know that he/she really, really wants to be there.

And in the meantime, go meet some people who are honest and can tell the truth who you feel safe with. That's the key word for me "safe". And that may mean I will live alone forever, but it will be 100 times better than living with a dishonest, decietful person who knows how to take advantage of you.

The worst part is that I am now doing what I should have done 5 years ago, but it has taken me this long to get over her and realize what a mess she is and how someone who is involved with a 3rd party needs to be told to hit the road so they can live the life they only now imagine while they live in the dreamland of their affair. Then and maybe only then will they get a clue as to the havoc they have created in their world and for those that live with them and love them.

hope this helps.

[Hope_11]

Hi Beth,

I just wanted to stop by and offer my sympathy. I'm sorry you are going through this. Based on your signature line, my sitch and yours are very similar....however, my marriage is officially over. Stop by my thread and read my summary if you would like more info. Feel free to stop by and ask me anything. I know I may not be the person that anyone wants advice from given my marriage ended, but I've been there, done that and I gave my marriage everything that I had....sometimes, it just not enough...and in the end life goes on and it can be good again. Take care and stay strong.

[Beth 83]

Hi everyone,

Ugh. Check out my thread on MLC...I know, I know, I'm young, but as Michele says in DR, MLC can come at any age and I truly believe there is more that I'm dealing with in WAS than the affair, unfortunately...

I'd love to talk to all of you. I'm having a hard time dealing with the A aspect and then all the baggage my WAS has.

WAS Quarter life crisis