[hiscott]

Me-46;W-42
Together 23 yrs Married 16
S11 S8 S6
02/10/03 Her 1st affair
10/01/06 Sep Bomb
01/01/07 Sep Begins
03/09/07 Her 2nd affair

My Sitch


It’s been a while since I’ve been on these boards, so let me give a brief update. W and I have been separated for nine months now and it’s been quite a roller coaster ride. I believe that she is still involved with OM, but has not filed for divorce yet. She claims that she has no good option. She is afraid to pull the trigger on divorce, but does not feel ready to work on the marriage. When pushed, she says that it seems unlikely that we can work it out and that divorce seems like the most likely outcome, but that she is still not sure. (Will she ever be sure?) It took me six months to get myself together enough to effectively DB and use LRT. In August, things started to improve. She started saying “I love you” again, we started going out the dinner just the two of us, staying in the house together most of the time, and even shared some intimacy. But then, one day about a month ago, on her way home from her counselor, she called and said that we needed to go back to being separated. Buzz kill. One of us needed to pack a bag and go to the apartment tonight. (In order to impact our kids the least, we have a house and an apartment and every couple of days we switch places. That way the kids are always in the house. Since then, I have been good about stopping my pursuing behaviors; saying “I love you”, trying to kiss her, frequently sending loving texts, buying her flowers, and following her around trying to talk about our relationship. We only talk about logistics. With three young boys, there are a lot of logistics. Most importantly, I’ve been trying to GAL. I have reconnected with some male friends that I had lost contact with, started working out more, and generally trying to shift my focus from trying to get her back to enjoying life without her.

Now when I am around her, I think that I am more confident and less clingy. I believe that she is starting to notice this change as she has started to ask me things like “How are you doing?” and “How is work going?” So far, I have been able to resist bringing up our relationship or asking her to dinner. It’s really hard. When I see her, I long for her. But, I know that she needs to make the next move. I plan on sticking with this strategy through the end of the year.

Thoughts?

[hiscott]

Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions on my sitch?

[theotherhalf]

I guess hiscott we "know" that pursuing for the most part does not work. So giving them space or getting a divorce are our only options. Both are hard. But, either way it is "our" desicion to make.

Be strong. Take care of yourself and your kids. Do what is best.

[hiscott]

Thanks thotherhalf. Finally, I'm come to realize that pursuing behaviors do not help the situation. They only lower your self-esteem and possibly push your partner further way.

W is in Vegas for a week with a "friend" and a couple of nights ago she texts me "Miss you". wow. She has not expressed anything that strong in a year. My counselor has warned me not to get too excited about these kinds of messages. W is amazingly inconsistent and confused as to what to do. Counselor has recommended that I wait until I hear something like "I want to work on our marriage" before taking anything that she says too seriously. It's hard not to jump on something like "Miss you". Should I pursue?

[Trixi]

I am starting to think that the WAS need to jump thru more hoops than the LBS make them in order to reconnect. (You know my sitch, so I am certainly not the poster child for this.)

So, easy to dole out advice when it's not me.

Anyway, you guys had been dating, and then she pulled the plug to wanting to be separated again. Is one text message enough? Shouldn't she have to go thru a bit more work?

[mkultra]

The OtherHalf said not to pursue and you asked if you should pursue. Uh oh. NO!!! You could lose her if you pursue and you could lose her if you do nothing BUT you cannot control her and you have a way better chance of having her pursue you if you GAL, act as if and do some serious 180's. I a with the TH that the text is not a ssignificant as you would wish for. It is nice but under what context? WAS do not respect the person who pursues them. They might use the LBS but they will not respect them. You cannot use guilt or preach or beg or plead or use romance either. That is a turn off to someone who doesnot want to be pursued. You have to focus on you. That will gain you some respect. You can be postive toward her and hope she can make herself happy. Show her that the family home is the right and safe place to be but do not use guilt or romance. IMHO. You should act like she could lose you to so,eomne else because you are an interesting person. Don't threaten that, just imagine that as your mindset.

[FLTC]

hs,

I rememeber you from a long time ago. Sorry you're still here. The old advice is still the best advice, allthough it kills us. Work on you, your confidence, what you will do if you have to go it alone. Lovingly detach. That has been the hardest for me, as well, because of all we have to lose, a way of life, a family that's intact...the whole enchilada. Like me, you must look at your kids and have your heart ripped out. Your shifting focus is outstanding. working out...fantastic. I'm currently in Iraq, but believe it or not, it has done so much to renew my confidence in ME. I know how capable I really am, amd realize that W. making me feel like I'm insignificant is not reality. (I had to go 6200 miles and endure indirect fire to figure it out!) You KNOW that's what you have to do. where has the pursuit gotten you before? You KNOW the answer to that. Be strong, be confident...don't go back to the lap dog behavior. It does not win nayone back. Women love strength of character. Set boundaires. Don't hang yourself out there for one "I miss you" "Oh yeah, then get your as* home to your kids, stop setting a bad example with other men" Sorry, man, but it as&&es my off to no end that WASs walk out not just on their spouse, btu a whole family, and justify the whole thing!

Tkae care, continue to be strong!

FLTC

[hiscott]

Thanks Agent99, mkultra, and FLTC.

It's reassuring to get support like this. Why does our instinct tell us to pursue. I will not let one "Miss you" text move me from my stand. Honestly, she probably texted the same message to OM a minute later. I deserve to be treated better than this. I dont want a divorce, but I will not be thought of as a lap dog either. She likes having a lap dog at her beck and call, but I'm sure that she would want a stronger man for a life partner. I can be that stronger man. That does not mean I will not be kind and supportive, but I will not jump when she snaps her fingers....

[SallyM]

wow, does a lot of your situation sound familiar. substitute him for her/h for w and I could have written a good chunk of it...well, except for the i love yous. those sure haven't come my way.

I think you sound like you are on the right track. no pursuing. my friend (a th, not my th) told me long ago that if someone doesn't want to be pursued and someone else does, the only place the pursued person has to go is further away. don't do it. stay strong. it sucks, it goes against instinct (or at least against mine), but it really does seem to push them further off.

show your strength and confidence. I agree with the others women do love that. make home a safe, good place to be.

good luck!

[hiscott]

Thanks Morgan.

She called tonight from Las Vegas to say good night to the boys. We had a great/busy day with fishing, soccer game, cub scout popcorn selling, bowling, pizza, and home to watch "transformers". After speaking with the boys, she asked to speak to me. (Sometimes she does this and sometimes she doesnt) Anyway, she said what a great dad I am to show the boys such a good day. She went on to say that I am handsome and a great guy. I couldnt help myself from responding by calming asking "Then why would you want to separate from me?" I shouldnt have pressured her like that, but whatever.... I did. I went on to say that I hoped that when she returned, that we might have a chance to discuss this further. Sounds a bit pursuant, doesnt it? nuts! nuts! nuts!