Almost 3 Months Separated

[soul_mate]

I though I would move over here from Newcommers so here is a brief summary. I wanted to see if anyone over here has any tips for me at this stage.

12/06 - 1st bomb all the typical stuff not In love with you, have no more to give, etc.

1/07 - Moved into parents vaction house 3 weeks. W asked me to come back she missed me etc.

3/07 - Took a nice trip to Mexico and things were going much better. After trip I was doing things to be a better Husband she never really seemed to fully commit and I started getting more pushy, which in hindsight was a big mistake.

8/07 - 2nd bomb same as 1st. Still cant get over the fact that I have no treated her right throughout our Marriage a lot of resentment. This time she is more set on D and just moving on with her life. She went to a C and they just seemed to validate whatever it was she was feeling.

Today - I live 1 week at my parents vacation house and she lives there one week so we are spliting our house and kids 50/50. She wants to move on with her life and get her own place, but has not pushed forward with this since she knows we will loose money on the house. Neither one of us can keep it alone. She gives me no indications that she will ever want to work on our M again. Says things like when we sell the house and when we Divorce. I don't bring up any R talks although she does every now and then. When she does bring them up she gets angry and upset about my past treatment of her not showing her the love she deserved. I am trying to be her friend and have been doing pretty good at it lately played cards with her any MIL the last 2 nights and spent the night at our house togther. She has been really mean the past week and applogized a couple days ago and has been really friendly that past few day. She seems to notice I am moving on with my life by going out etc. She made a few comments about changes and said what next are you going to learn to dance I said no I still have no rythem. I told her I want her to be happy and if a D will do that for her then lets do it. She seems to be putting everything on hold because she does not want to sell the house. I don't think it has to do with her thinking we may get back togther, but I am not positive on this.

One more note during the past year she has been going out a lot with friends. I have snopped and know she has been talking with other men. All of these contacts ended up dying out over a month or 2. She is now talking with someone new for the past 2 weeks this one lives out of state. On this front I really am just going to stop the snopping it really does not get me anywhere.

[Gingersnap]

Soul Mate,

Sounds like you are doing everything you can in terms of db'ing. And yes, offer that D on a silver platter if she wants. And then make no more mention of it or the M. Don't worry about OM...they are bandaids and it may take her some time but they won't be able to meet all of her needs, either.

Give her plenty of breathing room...it's good that she's asked about the changed in you. Try to do most of them for you and not her...and those changes will stick.

[soul_mate]

Picked up S from school today and took him home W stayed home with my sick Daughter. Anyway got there she was very freindly and chatty it is almost feels like she is glad that we can be freinds like I have accepted the D and what not and things will remain like this. Honesty it is very difficult and painful to remain friends with her and I still hold a lot of resment towards her, which I don't let her see. I accept all of the wrong I have done in our R and am really trying to learn from my past mistakes.

I know she is very much occupied by chatting with this OM now and this of course adds to my pain. If she starts openly seeing him or someone else I really don't see how I can reamin friends with her. I can be nice for the kids, but not friends. I ended up leaving pretty early it is just hard hanging out being friends knowing that she wants a D and is interested in OM.

[soul_mate]

Nothing really changing W has pretty much blocked me out and is moving on with her life. She called today to tell me she wanted to do something with the kids both of us. I have them this week and she misses them I know. She also talked about taking them on a trip togther. One more thing she said was that she would like to move out of state and maybe one day we can work something out where we can move. I told her I doubt we will have money for this after a D. I feel like just telling her that after a D and other people get involved things will not be like this there will not be family time since there will not be a family any longer and I sure as hel* don't want to follow my x-wife across the country even though I would also like to move. It not like we will both be popping into each others house a couple of times a week to see our kids when other people get involved.

I just feel that she is being unrealistic and it really angers me. Should I say something and how should I say it? I don't want it to appear I am using this to get her back because I don't want her back for the wrong reasons. I think she is oblivious to how it will be after a D.

Does anyone else have a WAS that is oblivious like this or am I the one that is oblivious here?

[betteroffvsmost]

I told her I doubt we will have money for this after a D.

I understand what you are saying and I did the same thing.
I believe my W just understood this to be manipulation (trying to make her feel guilty).
I stopped talking about D and W never brings it up anymore.
If I had kept on reminding her about it, I'm sure we'd have finished already.

[soul_mate]

Yeah I need to stop mentioning how things will be since this will only be understood as manipulation.

The past few days have been pretty good went to dinner with W and kids was fun it is her week at the house she asked me to come over and I helped get somethings done at the house. She asked me to spend the night and I did not in the same bed though. Not expecting anything really she has SO much resentment towards me these days I think it will take a long time for this to change.