He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

Geez, Dom, you are starting to turn ME off exercise with this pressure and it isn't even directed toward me.

99, I wouldn't tell H about your exercise/health plans. If he is interested, he can ask. If you tell him, then it will just blast to him that you are still making everything about him. It is actually an intrustion and pressure and grasping.

Make your world about YOU.

Cross posted--thanks OT. I was beginning to feel like a weirdo because my resistance was increasing.

I get the feeling that one reason you dont want to tell him, is that you are afraid of making the commitment. If you tell him. (or "us" here), then maybe it feels like an real commitment that you cant just give up on easily. Whereas at the moment, seems like you're not committed to do it. I say that, because you have avoided my question multiple times now, about "are you going to commit to regular excercise?"

Yes, one reason I don't want to tell him is that, at this moment, I do NOT feel committed. And, yes, I have avoided answering directly whether or not I am committed because I don't want to be held accountable. How's THAT for honesty?

I was thinking it would appear manipulative if I told him- I can also agree with OT that it would be pressure, etc.

Is a part of you, trying to talk yourself out of making a commitment, because you "failed before"?

What is it Dr Phil says? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior..something like that. I know where my weaknesses are- and this is one of them.

[hiscott]

So dont say anything to H about an exercize program that you may never stay with. Having said that, I think that you should commit to a program. There are so many benefits to it. For me simply going to a gym makes me feel good. Not that you are interested in this right now, but it's also a great place to meet people.

[Dom R]

, yes, I have avoided answering directly whether or not I am committed because I don't want to be held accountable. How's THAT for honesty?

honesty is good

What is it Dr Phil says? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior..something like that. I know where my weaknesses are- and this is one of them.

There's multiple ways to take that quote. It can be useful in multiple contexts.
But I dont think that it EVER is intended to say, "i failed at X before: therefore, I will always fail at X".
I think rather, that it is originally intended to help you guess how others are going to behave in the future, (since you are neither a mind-reader, nor a mind-controller, so you can only "guess")


In the context of examining oneself, however: it can be used as a reminder, or a tool, to help folks more carefully re-examine their behaviour, without changing their goals. Note that it talks about behaviour, not goals.
I think the complimentary version of it, is the lesser known,
"Insanity is repeating the same thing, and expecting different results".

In that vein: If you tried doing [Y], to achieve [X], and you failed at [X]... and then you "tried harder" at doing [Y], and you still failed at [X].... then it's probably time to look at reaching [X] through some other method.

If you really do want to "get in shape"... you've already tried the "pick a specific activity, and stick to it forever" approach. It failed. I think we can be pretty sure that trying that same approach, is going to end up with the same results sooner or later.

If you want to get in shape, and stay that way, then you will probably have to approach it differently than you did before.

I think that, if you really wanted to achieve that goal, and thereby committed to the GOAL rather than the activity, ... then it could work for you.


I read you pretty well about your evasion on it, after all, didnt I?


Part of what gets you to commit to something and follow through, is telling someone, and being accountable for it. Which is why you havent done that so far, after all. So that would most likely be another important part for you to achieve the goal, rather than quit after a month.


Make sense?

[oldtimer]

99,

I fear that Dom may be projecting here a bit on your H. I don't think that your losing a few pounds is the be-all end-all of your M. I don't think that AT ALL.

Indeed, in almost all cases, even a MALE spouses unhappiness with a partner's appearance that doesn't trace to health or interference with other activities has more to do with other issues.

Anyway, the importance of your fitness regime to your M has been blown all out of proportion IMHO. It is great that Dom is trying to motivate you, but HE is the one making it all about H and your M.

One sure thing is that weight loss/fitness programs that aren't simply all about YOU for the sake of YOURSELF are bound to fail.

Love yourself, challenge yourself, you'll be OK. So, if you want to find motivation, write down a list of things you love and figure out how to challenge yourself physically with respect to those things.

Books? Can you spend a whole day browsing, having coffee, and walking between used bookstores?

Nature? I bet you have NO IDEA of the number of parks around you with great walking circuits.

Animals/do-gooding? Can you walk pets at the ASPCA?

You get the idea.

Find the INTERNAL motivation to succeed :-)

[Dom R]

OT: her husband put it, as the #1 thing he mentioned on his dating profile.

This isnt "Dom projecting".

Indeed, in almost all cases, even a MALE spouses unhappiness with a partner's appearance that doesn't trace to health or interference with other activities has more to do with other issues.

not sure what you are making that claim on. I've seen that claim for women plenty of times, but never for men.
Even if it were true though... I would bet it applies to "normal" men. Not married men looking to date, and/or going through MLC.
He is being totally shallow, based on what agent99 posted from his profile!

For the record: i totally agree that he has "internal issues" to deal with, and that the separation is not entirely about the way that she looks.
however, that being said: it is still a majorly important area to him.
Getting rid of the smoke, will mean that he has to focus more on what is lacking from HIM.

Right now, I think he is focused on what he thinks is lacking from agent99.


Women who are going to be hopping up and down wanting to jump on me about this, please try to remember: This is NOT about what YOU think is important. This is about what her H (and many, MANY other men) think is important.

Men and women want different things.

To start with the marriagebuilders list of "10 emotional needs":

Admiration, Affection, Conversation, Domestic Support, Family Commitment, Financial Support, Honesty and Openness, Physical Attractiveness, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment.

Many men commonly pick sexual fulfillent and physical attractiveness, as their top, or close to top, "needs".

Unfortunately, I cant find an online reference for that.
However, from

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/printer_friendly.cfm?recno=4&sublink=31&subsublink=228


it does at least confirm that, from the thousands of men Dr. Harley has seen, the usual "top 5" out of those 10, are,
Recreational Companionship, Physical Appearance, Admiration, Domestic Support, and Sexual Fulfillment

Thus, appearance, is consistantly in the top 5, if not top 3.


That's not to say that all men are that way. and most of the men actually posting here, probably are not. But statistically speaking, most men in our society apparently are.

[oldtimer]

Dom,

OK, you aren't projecting. I still think you are blowing 99's H's mention of fitness out of proportion.

Moreover, and more important, even if you are right, 99 still needs to make choices that work for her, pursue fitness (or not), for HERSELF. If her H won't take her back as she is, a healthy energetic attractive woman, then TOO BAD FOR HIM.

I appreciate that you are trying to motivate. But trust me, your tactics right now would motivate very few women indeed.

[Dom R]

i appreciate that you are trying to build up/preserve agent99's confidence. but that wont save her marriage

if I'm not getting the message across in the best way, then I apologise to agent99.

I definately wont back off just because it is a matter of looks, though.

you seem to be saying, "she looks the way she looks, and if her husband doesnt like it, that's too bad".

That's inconsistent with the whole concepts of marriage recovery, unless you believe that a spouse should dress, and maintain their bodies, to please themselves, and possibly others, but it doesnt matter what their spouse likes.
[do you really believe that?]

Some counter-points:

If it was that agent99 liked to spend $1000 a week on clothes, and that really displeased her husband to the point that it was the #1 complaint he had about her:
you would probably say, "ok, yes you like to do that, but you should change your habits, if you want to save your marriage".

If it was that agent99 was quite comfortable with having sex 1 time a week or less, but her husband really wanted it 5 times a week, and it was his #1 complaint about her, you would probably say, "ok, well, it is understood that different individuals have different tastes for themselves, but if you want to save your marriage, you should probably change your behaviour, to at least accomodate him in some way more frequently"

In each of those cases, you would most likely say, "change yourself, for the good of your marriage".

I dont see that there should somehow be an exception to that general principle, on account of looks. We're not talking about "go have $100,000 in cosmetic surgery, and potentially do 'bad things' to yourself". We're talking about, "do something that is GOOD FOR YOU in the first place".
["so change yourself, for the good of your marriage also"]

The only really fuzzy bit here, is that her H doesnt have the balls to say it directly to her face, as the #1 thing he is looking for. But he certainly has no trouble saying it to the general public, now does he?

[oldtimer]

Dom,

You are obsessed with the first typewritten word that came out of 99's H's mouth when he threw together an online profile, probably when he was drunk. Did he say, THE OVERRIDINGLY MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME IN A WOMAN IS A TIGHT BOD NOT BIGGER THAN SIZE 2??? I don't think so. And, if he did, then 99 must meet his ideal (whatever it is) as he keeps going back to her.

Of course one should work on oneself and take a spouse's wishes into account, when one is in a partnership. But, first, 99 and H aren't really in a partnership. Should you change your habits/interests/looks, act like someone you aren't to get someone to go on a date with you? I'd say not if you seek an authentic R.

Second, when I take my H's wishes into account, I select among them, sometimes I try to adjust my tastes, but I change myself and my behavior when the motivation to do so COMES FROM WITHIN. Changes must be authentic to be lasting and to feel good.

Losing a few pounds may/may not be good for 99. I certainly don't know. She may think she has 30 pounds to lose because she weighs 30 pounds more than a model her height. She may think she has 30 pounds to lose when she has a 100 pounds. I HAVE NO IDEA. The weight loss may/may not make her more attractive to H. It certainly will not be the magic bullit that saves her M.

But none of this is here nor there. My point is that 99 needs to focus on HERSELF. She needs to be the best 99 she can be in a way that works for HER. If that doesn't work for her H, then yeah, too bad. But it for sure the best way to attract him back.

You keep making this all about her H and then broadcasting to him that it is all about him is not good for 99 or her M.

[azhira]

I have to say...I've run into this 'perfect body' thing with my xh. And it really bugs. (As I've said before, I love working out. But I do it for me.)

I look pretty good. I am a size 4. Do I have my pre-pregnancy figure? No. But I'm working on it. I worked out a lot, and was in good shape. Was I fitness model shape? Of course not. xh used to make comments about that. "She has better defined abs." Or "She has nice glutes. That would look great on you." Or "Maybe you should try blond."

While I am game for trying new things...once dyed my hair, but swore I'd never damage it like that again...the repetition grew thin. I looked good. Too bad for him he was at the gym all day, and could compare me to whomever. He was looking for perfection where it wasn't going to be. I flat out told him, I wasn't willing to make that kind of crazy insane commitment that it takes to get fitness-model good-looking.

And let's be honest. I did weights twice a week, an hour at a time. I did cardio four times a week: jogged a mile, 30 minutes on a bike, 15 on elliptical. Plus, whatever active outdoor activity I felt like on the weekends. I was in better shape than 90+% of the people I knew. Still...wasn't 'good enough' for xh.

Guess my point is...99, work out because it's good for you, and will make you feel good. If it's the be all and end all of a M, then pfff on that. I don't want that guy. It would just make me feel like sh!t to listen to all day.

Oh...Dom...any chance you are somehow unhappy with your own W looks??

[NikB]

OT - thank you for those exercise ideas!! I really like that thought - find a way to work it in with whatever other hobbies you have.

I think you're right on with the rest of your comments as well so no need to repeat, but wanted to say thanks.