ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[Gingersnap]

Thanks so much, Morgan. It's not about winning, really. I think I'm just done with trying. I have given and given and I'm feeling so empty from it. You start to feel a little crazy because all of this you've worked so hard at preserving wasn't really there in the first place and is he REALLY all that? *sigh*

I'm SO getting that book. Because like it or not I'm going to have to be the mature grownup and bring up our (including his) issues.

I sound harsh right now. And I know it. I was fine until I saw him last night and he did all this conciliatory crap like he was doing me a huge favor. Seems like we all do well when our H's aren't around...and flub up when they are...

[Dom R]

He's going to have to do a bit more than simply move back. I even asked him before he left what he's ever done to work on us and he said "I'm here!". No kidding. He really did.

oh, i'm not surprised.

some people seem to think that just "being there", constitutes their part of working on a marriage.
Sadly, it's up to the "other side", to stick to telling them, "no that's not work. If you just 'showed up' to your job, for 8 hours a day, do you think you'd get paid? No. 'work', means you actually have to DO SOMETHING"

[Gingersnap]

Update:

12am yesterday I get a call. H asks if I want him to move back home. Silence from me. I don't want to get into it at midnight, so I try to evade the question. He finally starts talking....really talking. He says he wishes I had been there after his father's death. I tossed db'ing to the wind at this point and reminded him that he specifically told me he did not want me to go to the funeral. It broke my heart he didn't want me there to support him. He told me he wishes I had fought harder on it and gone anyway. HUH? I told him it's time for him to start saying what he means because I'm not a mind reader. He agreed. More convo and I said we really need to go see someone who can help us communicate. He agreed again. But I didn't want to have to be the one to bring up the obvious. He says he wants to go to Europe together next year...etc. etc. I talk briefly about how absolutely beat up I felt with his and DSS's anger and lack of respect. He insists the anger is not directed at me - that I'm his only sounding board and he's just venting. Trust me, that is NOT what I experienced. We agreed to talk on Sunday (today after he works) and hung up.

2:30am another call. "Please tell me you love me..." I tell him I love him and that he needs to get some sleep. I left the convos feeling like it's still all about him and how I'm not this perfect W who mind-reads and caters to him. I'm not mentioned at all except as it relates to his needs, etc.

He goes to work and gets off at 7:00. He wants to come over. watch football, and stay the night. I agree because I haven't had time to process anything. It went well but very, very strange since I've gotten used to my own space and routine.

He left for work and said he needs to do laundry at his place tonight. I happily tell him that's a good idea. I don't particularly want to see him tonight. It was good for the kids to see him here this morning, though. They don't know about the S so having him here early helps.

I am thrilled that he's making an effort to discuss the R even though I haven't brought it up. But this morning he says "ok...you're not going to call me at work and accuse me of an A are you?" this was his idea of being funny. I was annoyed because he stills sees this as my issue. The whole trying to get him to admit to an A was a symptom of VERY real issues in our M. He either doesn't get it or is avoiding it. So while this sounds like excellent progress from a db-ing standpoint once again it's just let's candy-coat everything and try to continue. That won't work.

I'm going to distance myself today. I don't know how to proceed....like I said, it doesn't appear the books have much advice about a spouse wanting to come home without real work.

Wishing you all the best today.

[Dom R]

I'm going to distance myself today. I don't know how to proceed....like I said, it doesn't appear the books have much advice about a spouse wanting to come home without real work.

At some point, it might be helpful if you were prepared with some kind of list, of what YOU dont want to see in your marriage any more.
Try not to get into specific solutions, but just say what things are not "ok" for you any more.

Then sit back, and let him think about solutions for them by himself.
Then at least, he has a target to aim for.
After that, it could be up to him how to hit it, and whether he wants to work that hard.

[Gingersnap]

Dom I LOVE this idea! Not sure how H will take it...he's not one to initiate things or follow through with a list. But at least it would give him the knowledge he needs if he seriously wants to come home. I'm going to combine it with Morgan's Crucial Conversations book.

I DO want my M to work...just scared to death of H coming home and the two of us resuming the junk right where we left off. I think Michelle needs to right a new book for piecing.

[Dom R]

PS: you might want to run your list by "us" first, before disclosing it to H

[SallyM]

gingersnap, I think that is a great idea! (and I agree with dom about posting it first)

[nephartiti]

Hi, Ginger. I just caught up. It sounds like you an H are making good progress. I know it is frustrating and scary when you have put so much into it and they seem to just want to slip in. It's all about YOUR issues, right?

I think the list is a good idea. I would try to limit it to the ones that are really important to you so that he doesn't get too overwhelmed. This is a starting point. Marriage is a work in progress. Let him know that you will both have to revamp things from time to time.