Decided this was the appropriate forum for my stuff now. I've been in Newcomers for awhile and I even posted something the "Surviving the Big D" forum. Here are the links to those:
As of about three weeks ago I had enough. It was obvious that despite being "busted" over and over on her relationship with the OM she wasn't going to stop. She denied it constantly, but I had all the proof I needed. So... woke up one Thursday morning (9/27) and decided that I needed to get my own place and I needed it pronto. I was sick and tired of having to work so hard not to snoop and wonder/worry about what she was doing. We had thought about getting an apartment that we would both use when not "in the house" with the kids, but I decided that was going to be a sore spot since I'm sure she would be using it as home base for her clandestine operations. I didn't want to be tempted to snoop in the APT, and I didn't want to hear stuff from any neighbors we might have.
So, on 9/27 I found a 3 BR townhome. On 9/28 I signed a year lease. Wife & Kids took off to FL for Fall break at 6:00 AM on 9/30 and by 6:30 I was showered, out the door, and actively moving stuff in to the Townhome. I didn't move any obvious stuff from the house. Instead I pulled furniture from our storage unit and cleaned out all my clothes and misc stuff from the house that wouldn't be missed by the kids. I accomlished quite a bit over the next three days then had to go off on a biz trip the following Tuesday - Friday. The entire week my wife was calling me and saying stuff like "i can't believe you are doing this", "you are enjoying yourself", etc. She made it seem like this was something I wanted vs. something that she had pushed me into.
Returned to our house on Saturday 10/6 and that was a very rough day. More of the same in the sense that she was acting like I was excited about becoming a bachelor again. That night we had a good, calm talk about what we were going to tell the kids the next day. On Sunday 10/7, we sat down with the kids in the evening and told them that we were separating. That was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. All took it well except for my 6 (almost 7) year old son. He was quite upset. By bedtime I had him calmed down and smiling. Once all were in bed I went outside to have a beer and to unwind. I was absolutely spent. W came out and sat with me and we had another good, calm conversation. Everytime it would get heavy I would just change the subject and say I was done talking about it. Sometime after midnight she convinced me to go "bounce" with her on the trampoline. I figured it was my last chance at some 'action' for quite some time so I took it.
The next day I took all the kids to school and started moving furniture from the house to the townhome. I didn't want the kids to have to witness any of the moving. By the end of the day I had everything in the TH and W actually brought the kids over after school to check the place out. They were all excited with their new rooms and they helped me organize furniture and stuff. That evening I was back at our house for my last night there w/ wife & kids. Things went well, had another good, calm conversation w/ wife once the kids were in bed. No more "tramp action", but she followed me around like she was expecting something and I guess she sat there in her t-shirt and panties while I was in the process of crashing on the couch.
Next morning I took the kids to school again then I went off to work. My remaining clothes were loaded in the back of the Suburban and I returned to my TH that evening. W & Kids went to an early afternoon soccer game for my oldest and swung by the TH after it was done. More arranging and decorating by my W & daughters. Then, they left...
Stayed by myself the next couple of days. Picked the kids up from practices and dropped them off at the house.
Last Saturday I went over first thing in AM since W & youngest daughter had to go off to a soccer tournament for the weekend. I stayed with two oldest daughters & son. We spent the day at the TH and shopping for winter clothes for me (lost a lot of wgt and old ones didn't fit). We also bought groceries for the TH and some decorating stuff. Went home in the evening and hung out with the neighbors. W was in a pissy mood all day with her txt msgs and phone convo keeping me updated on D10 games. On Sunday we went to the TH and hung out all afternoon watching the Titans play Tampa Bay. That evening we returned to the house where I fed them all, finished their homework, and got them ready for bed. W & D10 returned about 7. I kissed everyone goodbye and headed out the door within 10 minutes. I didn't want the discomfort. She called later and made a comment that she knew I wouldn't stick around very long.
Monday we met for lunch and had a good talk. I told her that I needed her to quit taking jabs at me and insinuating that my moving out was something that I wanted and was enjoying. She agreed tand was actually quite civil & caring with me. Of course that morning I learned that OM & his wife are planning to divorce, so perhaps she sees a light at the end of the tunnel. She swears up and down that they aren't involved like that, but it just seems odd.
Now, I need to figure out how I proceed. What do I do? How do I carry on at this stage of my sitch? While moving in I stumbled on a VERY nice looking lady who is my age and divorced. What is the proper relationship to have with someone right now? I know that I'm in a very sticky sitch and I don't want to involve anyone else, yet I am VERY lonely and even the friendly relationship with someone like that cheers me up quite significantly.
I want the kids to stay in our house through the end of the school year even though keeping two households going is going to tax the hell out of me financially. So, I figure there is no big hurry to start divorce proceedings since we can't even think about selling the house until next spring. I figure involving a lawyer would just make things more hostile and I REALLY don't want to start that until I need to. However, I do need to start finding some happiness in my life.
I have no clue what my wife's hopes for the future are. All I can assume is that she plans on continuing her R with OM since I've seen no indication that isn't the case. Sure, we ML on the tramp that night and she has been acting jealous and saying things that make me think she hopes we work something out, but I don't think it is for real. I'm tired of struggling with things and after telling the kids I'm totally prepared to move forward.
Advice on any and all of this stuff would be appreciated. I want to do this right...
Come on guys, I need some help here. The short version is "now what?". We've separated, but now what am I supposed to do? I know that if I ask her what the "plan" is going forward she is going to say "I don't know". Do I just move on as if the divorce is next, do I behave in case there is a possibility of a reconcile?
She hasn't been in the "driver's seat" for a few weeks now. I just want to know what is up and where we are going now. If she isn't capable of answering this (which I doubt), then I want to keep on driving this.
Bummer. I'm sorry to hear about your sitch, but honestly, you have only been separated for less than a month now. I wouldnt expect anything to happen right away. Try and enjoy the space that you have made for yourself. Meet some new people. Pick up an new hobby. Put some space between you and her. You want her to see the new man that you are becoming and like it. You want her to see that she can fall in love with you again. Be patient and smile.
Me-46;W-42 Together 23 yrs Married 16 S11 S8 S6 02/10/03 Her 1st affair 10/01/06 Sep Bomb 01/01/07 Sep Begins 03/09/07 Her 2nd affair
I can identify with your situation. See my thread "mixed signals" for the whole story. I have been separated for 34 days and have even signed the divorce docs about a month ago. Yet, they have not been filed. W and I have not spoke about them either. I have on 2 occasions (in an argument) told her to file the papers ASAP. We send txt msgs back and forth every so often, just silly jokes and such. My plan is to act like I did when we were dating b/c somewhere along the way I started acting differently, probably due to work related stress. There were no issues of infidelity, abuse, drugs, alcohol, ect.
My advice to you is to frequent this board often for ideas and to vent if you have to. You will see the term: "acting as-if" alot. It has worked for me, I think since we haven't had it out in over a month. Also, try to stay busy with a hobby or being with friends, anything to keep you from dwelling on your separation. I am no expert, these are things that have worked for me. Remember, there will good and bad days, expect it and be prepared for the bad days, but know that they will pass. Good luck.
Thanks Hiscott, I hear what you are saying. I guess I keep coming back to the stuff she did that caused us to separate (affair with OM). In a round-about manner, I guess I've caught myself saying/asking "let me know if that is going to continue so I'll know how to act". I guess I can also answer that question because I must assume that it will continue since it did when I was in the house. There is no hurry to engage the divorce process so we don't need to talk about that.
I've been trying to enforce the whole 'space' thing. This has to be a true separation instead of just me sleeping somewhere else. I can't be available, and I need to be otherwise occupied, when she calls and asks me to run here or go there. I just don't want to seem like I'm passing up a chance to see my kids.
I've been on a health kick (partially due to the stress) for many months now. I've thought of joining the local "athletic club" so that I would have a place to go during the winter. It would also get me out into public, which I've been longing to do. I just need to understand the boundries for when I am out in public (pub, gym, whatever).
I'm doing good with the space and I'm enjoying not having to be around her and the associated drama. I don't wonder what she is doing all the time and I don't have to watch her "go to the store" in the evenings. So that is good. I just have a lot of questions about what lies ahead. Your advice on being patient and enjoying my space is good.
I agree with patience and working on yourself. I'm not sure about the dating thing for several reasons. it sounds like you'd still like to make a go of it with your wife. involving another person could end up being very messy, especially for that other person. not to mention the real possibility of using that person as a bandaid...trying to replace your w with her. the bottom line, its still early days for your separation, even though it doesn't feel like it, I'm sure.
I wonder when I will be ready for dating, personally. at least you are finding other people attractive. I have yet to find someone I want to date. I guess its just been so long since I dated someone, since i was with someone other than my H, that I'm not used to thinking in those terms yet.
part of me wishes I was ready. I almost look forward to it, to be honest. I'd like to be treated nicely again, like a desirable woman instead of someone to take for granted.
anyway, good luck.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I have some input on the dating thing. Be careful and take it slow - work on yourself.
I caught myself saying this to my bf the other night
"I don't need H to come home to have self-worth...(good so far, huh?). Do you know how many men would die to have a W like me?"
WHAT? In other words, I clearly view my self worth primarily in relation to how a man treats me. This is a huge problem that I obviously need to deal with. My worth comes from God alone. And I have value whether or not ANY man finds me worthy.
Make sure you're not seeking validation from others. If you are looking for self worth in other people they will always let you down. They are not strong enough or faithful enough to validate your worth.
HTH and best of luck!
Last edited by Gingersnap; 10/17/0709:35 PM.
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
Thanks Morgan and Ginger. That does help. I've been considering WHEN it would be okay to even entertain 'dating', or perhaps just 'hanging' with another woman. I just know that having this lady flirt with me did help my self confidence (all time low with W doing what she has done) and general happiness. I know it is too early for full on dating cause I'm still married.
Don't know about wanting anything to do with my wife. She has burned a lot of bridge between the two of us. While I hate it that my marriage is dead, I think I have to admit it.
I'm just looking forward to when some happiness comes into my life...
