Where do I go fromhere?

[saffie]

I don't know. I can remember stories from when I was young of mums getting it on with my teenage friends but to be honest AS a mother of a son I can't think of anything worse

I guess it's personal. I would think a teenage lad is more likely statistically to bring out the maternal instinct than a sexual one in a mother, but that's not to say these things don't happen.

Your wife is more likely to be suffering from a loss of life and knowing what to do syndrome though. We females can get very waif and stray attracted when we are like this - not sexually but emotionally wanting to help others - we want to feel needed - a hard luck story brings out the best in us.

The fact that she is wanting to be friends with you I think is the most positive thing. A lot of women check out emotionally and then go. She doesn't sound as though she has checked out - just blipped a bit.

I think she may have forgotten what she sees in you sexually and her flame needs re igniting. That happened for my H and me. We have warmed it all back up again. His A, (obviously NOT the recommended solution), woke me up to my complacency and what I really wanted. DBing and GALing can only make you look more attractive. My H losing a good few pounds would have even done a bit for me - he needn't have been as extreme in what he did!!!

saffie

[smichael]

Thanks Saffie.

As I mentioned in my original post, she hasn’t been back to the same Borders bookstore since her “friend” quit about 3 weeks ago. I don’t know if this has made her depressed or not but I imagine it’s left her in somewhat of a funk. Since then she has really started to look for a job and actually taken steps to get back in school. I assume she hasn’t had contact with her “friend”since he left but I don’t really know for sure. She does call me several times a day to talk about the kids or her job hunts etc. She always did this before the bomb as well. Should I take this as a positive or just old habit? How can I check how she is feeling without crossing over to the relationship conversation? Or, should I just let her initiate any such talk. I appreciate your feedback and insight.

[saffie]

I think it is a BIG positive she is checking in with you at work etc and talking about things.Personally I withdraw when not feeling good with my H.

I would let her come to you about any R stuff at the moment as she is talking and being friendly. Were things a bit slow on the ML side before all this or were they ok? Don't answer that if you don't want - I know it's personal. Things had slowed down that way for H and I. 20yrs of M, several kids (4), just assumed these things happened. It was wrong to negelect this side of things. We have started 'dating' again. Nights to the cinema, theatre, sneaking weekends away, lunch dates etc. It all helps with the involvement and investment in one another.

We also talk about the future together and things we can look forward to when they leave so that we can see it as a positive as well as a negative.

DBust your butt off - it can only help. Your signs look promising.

Saffie

[Jack_Three_Beans]

R talks are usually bad.
Let her open the door, but do not expect too mauch in that area.
Sadly if she opens the door, you can almost expect the worst in that area.

Her 'friend'...
Michael, how ok would you be if you discovered that she had an affair?

Being friends with her, is not too bad. Take it as you need to take it, and don't look gift horses in the mouth.

Advice:
Do not bring up relationsip talks.
Work on yourself.
Do not let her see that you are suffering through this because you love her. Maytyr syndrome very similar to the reason DB says not to say "I love you."

[smichael]

Thanks for the response. I would be hurt if there was an affair but iwouldnt be surprised. At this point I plan to stay in this for the long run. I cant give up on the friendship or the marriage.

[saffie]

I actually think her attitude is good - she is keeping in touch with you. If you were having an A would you want to call your W and check in?

How much do you think your W thinks you listen to her? I mean really listen?
Maybe this is an A or maybe this is some person who happened to start a conversation with her because he worked in the shop and SHE felt encouraged and that they were interested in her and her thoughts. He stopped working there and she hasn't gone back.

I make friends in bookstores - I love reading and talking books - seriously. I also picked up people for my reading group there - by accident - I didn't go looking. Even my plumber used to come and see me after he finished the building job at my house to talk books - and he was scrummy!!!! seriously nice - and his wife joined my bookclub and she and I get on well.

Maybe I am strange, (you don't have to answer that!!!), - but if your wife is gregarious then I don't see a big problem; she has reached a time of big change in her life.

I agree - avoid R talk - DBust and carry on with your M.

You know, typing this out has been very theraputic for me, as it has reminded me of how outgoing I used to be. I stopped all that after finding out about H's A and became introverted. Thank you - this is what I need to get back to. Picking up people and making friends.

saffie

[saffie]

You a soccer fan by any chance with that name?

Saffie

[smichael]

Sorry, but I'm not.

You've really made my day a bit brighter. I know what I need to do and will keep plugging away. Your advice and kindness will not be forgotten. The wife just called me a little while ago as she was heading into a job interview THanks again!

[saffie]

You are most welcome!!!

Hope her interview goes well.

Saffie

[inmyplace]

s,

When you say, you know what you have to do, do you mean not much other than to be there and be supportive?

saffie,

Where is your thread? Don't want to muddy the waters here talking about taxes.

IMP