Where do I go fromhere?

[smichael]

I started a post awhile back, but due to time constraints and availability of a computer (i.e. kids) I was unable to fully journalize my journey during the past five plus months. Here’s my new attempt:

May 2007
-Come home from work around 6:00PM dinner is cooked on the stove and the W is in bed curled up in the fetal position sleeping. I asked how she is and she says she’s tired.
-Asked her again later that night what’s wrong and she says “nothing”.
-She seems ok for the next couple of weeks are so until the day after Mother’s Day when she repeats a similar scenario: curled up in bed in the middle of day. This time after asking what’s wrong I get upset at her non-responsiveness and storm off refusing to talk to her for the rest of the day.
-Next day, in the evening, I ask if we can talk. After prodding I finally asked if she still loves me. She responds, with difficulty, with the classic “ILYBINILWY”, which I’ve come to learn is a pretty standard line from MLCers/WAWs.
-I proceed to beg, cry, plead etc. She tells me its too late to work things out and doesn’t think things can be worked out.
-She insists that we tell the kids (S-17, S-13) the situation. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. They are incredible and have been that way through everything. We emphasized that “mommy is considering not staying with me”
-W talks to her parents about possible separation/divorce.
-I see a therapist… but of not much help.
-Tell W she has a deadline of 7/31/07 to make up her mind or I will file. She responds that I’m “kicking her to the curb”.

June 2007
-W starts to go out on the weekends for short periods of time and is often not home when I get home from work (“running errands”)
-Spending a lot of time at Borders.
-Share stories she supposedly overhears of employees/college kids going-ons. Takes great delight in their antics.
-Family unit is still very much intact as far as doing things together.
-W starts to buy more clothes and becomes even more concerns with aging.

July 2007
-Have relationship talks with the W about what she wants to do. Tell her she’s sending mix signals about us and that I’m confused. Admits being confused and apologizes for everything.
-Talk about a separation and set a date. Due to financial situation, separation would only be short term. Speak to W on phone and tell to let me know if we’re still going to try the separation. She says she’ll let me know. She says nothing and I never leave.
-Start DBing. No relationship talk, independent, work on myself etc. The website has been a real godsend.
-Renewed my faith in god and asked for his help.
-Things seem to better; less tense. Consciously or subconsciously we start to do more things together.

Aug/Sept 2007
-W continues her brief “errands” and trips to Borders.
-W shares that one employee/college kid she met is leaving. Seems depressed about his departure.
-Find out she exchanged email and maybe cell phone info with him. She emails him but he has yet to contact her. Possible EA from what I can tell. Email she sent was pretty innocuous.
-W has not been back to Borders since.
-W is looking for a job (first job since starting a family) and thinking about going back to school to finish her degree.
-Relationship is going okay. Friendship is there but nothing else at this point. She still relies heavily on me for advice on things. Calls me at work multiple times each day.
-Trying to develop/maintain PMA. This is the hardest part for me.

I’m aware I can’t control her and that the MLC must run its course. I guess my rhetorical question dancing in my head is should I fear her wanting a job and going back to school? Is this a way for her to sow her oats or possibly just a way just to fill her free time? Free time is definitely an issue as the kids are more independent and she needs things to keep her busy. What if the current state is the best it can ever be between us? Going against DB rules should I bring on discussion of the relationship? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[SO-LOST]

Brother, I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you but I don't. When I read your thread, it was so similar to my situation, that I thought I would at least tell you you are not alone. Keep your head up and stay positive for your kids. Good luck!

[inmyplace]

s,

I started to respond last night, but wasn't quite sure how to answer all of your questions.

First. School and job. You have to just let her go. You asked if it was to sow wild oats or to fill free time. Obviously, I can't answer that question. But these are not the onlty two possible answers. Perhaps you may want to consider that she just has a desire to attain something lacking in her life. With children at ages 13 and 17, I can see where a woman (or a man for that matter) would want to find a job and finish her degree. Could it have to do with regauining some youth? Sure. What the difference? Fear? There's nothing to fear.

What if the current state is the best it can ever be between us?

This is for you to answer. I can't answer that. You said there is friendshiop and she seeks your advice. Go with it.

Going against DB rules should I bring on discussion of the relationship?

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

And as I read through your post, the thing that stood out was the "kick to the curb" comment. Sadly, and you didn't know this at the time, what you said to invoke this was probably the worstn thing that you did.

One other thing. I did not see one thing here about your possible role in things getting where they are. Before my bomb, I had actually taken that inventory and was working on some of those things. You need to o a personal assessment.

Good luck.

IMP

[saffie]

From a woman's point of view who is mainly a stay at home mom, (I run my own partime business as a tax consultant just to keep up to date so that I can go back to it if I want - when hell freezes coz over I hate it so much), when the kids get older it's hard.

Not only do your kids not need you as much but your friends have moved on. Your biological clock is telling you your function in life is gone. Your body starts letting you down - guys only seem to get more distinguished. Depression / MLC hit.

If you can be understanding and help your W through this then she won't forget you. I think it's great that she has got a focus - my H would die for me to go back out to work - we just disagree about what I would do. I want to do something I 'want' to do - he wants me to go back into my profession where I will earn more. I don't want to go back as all the people I knew professionally have moved on and I would have to go back lower down and crall my way back up. So instead I sit on my horse all day and think - your W's attitude is much more healthy.

If you can support her. The fact that the friendship has come / is coming back is good. Go with it and DBust.

Saffie

[inmyplace]

saffie,

I am in taxes too. I always hated it. But then I found a job in tax software (which I had never thought about). Much more enjoyable even though I had to start at the bottom.

IMP

[saffie]

That's interesting......was it software you had used when you were working in taxes?

I always thought the guys writing the software didn't understand the legislation behind the tax rules - I felt I was always trying to get round the software to get the result I knew I needed after having computed it manually!!!!

Hope you didn't mind what I said to wantlove - I was trying to empathise!!!!!

You have my respect.

saffie

[saffie]

Did you work for the State/ goverment or in the private industry? Before setting my own business up I worked for Deloittes. I actually used to do the tax stuff for the partners.

saffie

[smichael]

So-Lost,

THanks for the response. I read your posts and you are right they strikingly similar in so many ways. So days i feel confident things will get better and other days I feel so hopeless. It is by far the worse experience I can ever imagine. I hope things are getting better for you. Beleive when I say I know how you feel

Take care

[smichael]

Thanks Saffie.

Do you think having teenage boys somehow plays into her desire to recapture her youth? SHe is really close with both and is always interested in what their friends are up to.

[smichael]

THanks IMP,

I do realize my role in all of this. I've really tried to give her space and time and be supportive anyway I can. There are days when I do see her old self and days when I dont recognize her at all.