H has left have I Done the right thing

[azhira]

Hey, haven't heard from you in awhile. How are you doing...?

Hugs!

[Evie]

Just returned from my week away so back in the world of civilisation!!

Plenty of time on my own to reflect or analyse...

H phoned everyday I was away to speak to me and the boys, I made sure I sounded upbeat and happy (which I was I was), I've taken plenty of pictures which H has seen how much fun we had.

I don't feel desparately unhappy with the current situation, my H worked such long odd hours that in a way he is the one that is having to consider his responsibilities to the boys/family a bit more. H took my D shopping yesterday as promised to get some gear for her 6 months abroad, and they seemed to have had a really good morning.

We do need more communication about arrangements for the boys, but i'm sure that will either fall into place to suit both of us, but i'm not sure how to re-connect with H and move conversation onto more interesting subjects rather than work and children. I'm the person he still calls first when there is a problem at work or he had a problem with my car on the motorway and he called me straight away..... It seems he has moved out physically but maybe not emotionally?? I read another post that said that while they are still interested in you and the family and doing some things together, keep inviting him in, if he hesitates then back of a little, which I think is sound advice?


XD

[cat03]

there you are! I was looking for you on the other forum.

You seem to be doing good and I'm very glad for this. I agree with your last statement, do keep him involved if you are doing things with the kids, just bring it up casually without looking like it'd break your heart if he says no. Learn to not ask "why?" if he can't come, give him space that way.
I know my H would come most time whenever I invited him to things I'd do with the kids.

[Evie]

I'm in both, good to talk to you, seems ages, I knew you wouldn't be on the boards over the w/e, thanks for your advice.

Why is H been so nice? He has never txtd/emailed me so much as of late..I know the contact is mainly to speak to the boys, but he is so much more considerate and doing more for the family, especially the boys. He's more like his old self.

I'm really worried that how we are right now will fade in time. I keep hearing the words he said...'I don't love you as a husband should love his wife'

I don't have any goals right now, I know I need to sit down and work something out...but where too start?, what is achievable?, what do I want? I know it's too soon for dates, I don't want R talks, I just want some connection, I would love some itimacy, however small, but I don't think that will ever happen.

H talked about having one of the computers because he said in time he will need one, to me that meant future planning, in the long term he's not planning on coming home.

I'm just stuck in this place of not making any progress and not sure either how to move forward.

What did you do Cat? How long was it before your H moved back?

speak soon

XD

[azhira]

dis,

I've found that the more I got enthused about xh's place, helping him set it up, etc...the more he invited me along. We now go on shopping trips together to help decorate his new apartment.

This works on several levels...it's validating and supportive of his choices. And, it helps build new, fun, memories.

I thought things might improve. A lot of the pressure has been reduced. This is a good thing--for both of you. It doesn't mean the end.

[Evie]

Do you think I should show interest in his new place? I haven't up til now, I didn't want him to think i was interested or pleased for him.

Today is a low day, I miss him. It was hard when he was at home, it's easier now the pressure has been lifted, but I still wish we could talk normally. We do talk, but it's in passing, we don't sit down and have a conversation, he seems happier to talk via phone/text rather than face to face, why is that?

We were texting backwards and forwards yesterday trying to to plan xmas presents and access to the boys and in the end i said 'why don't we just meet for dinner on saturday and discuss all this', as he never answered I assume he doesn't want to?. He was the one 2 weeks ago that said to let him know when i was ready to go for dinner and now i am, he isn't. I don't know whether to contact him or not contact him? I haven't contacted him unless i've had to, H has been contacting me numerous times a day, but now he is stopping doing that so much after yesterday, maybe because he knows I have been avoiding most of his calls, now i'm confused whether he is cross, just giving me space or has moved on and not bothered.

Do you think they struggle themselves?

How are things with you guys?

XD

[azhira]

Well, guess my point was, to be interested in his life...not just brooding and judgemental. It'll help rebuild that communication between you.

xh and I generally talk better over the phone. shrug He used to intentionally go out, then call me from the coffee house, so we could chat easier. It just works.

If he'd wanted to go, he would have told you. I think you spooked him a bit. xh did the same thing (a lot) shortly after he moved out. Really baffled both of us 'why' at the time...he told me later he was still in hyper-flight mode. It may just be that he needs to do the asking. If he wants to go sometime, he'll offer.

So, wait, was he calling and you weren't responding? And now he's calling less? Maybe time to answer his calls a bit more...he may think you're simply avoiding him, so why bother calling someone who won't talk to him?

I know they struggle. xh is kind enough to tell me a lot of it.

Eh, xh and I...we've inched a touch closer. Still doing the dance. Life is good, tho...can honestly say I'm happy.

[Evie]

So talking on the phone is good, if he can't talk face to face? That works for me too, I can do that. Thanks for that advice (a baby step?)I just need to think of other things to talk about other than work and kids. H complained that that was what we only ever talked about.

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If he'd wanted to go, he would have told you. I think you spooked him a bit.

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But H did offer to take me out for dinner any time I wanted to go, Why do you think I spooked him, do you mean he got 'cold feet' and thought of it as pressure?


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So, wait, was he calling and you weren't responding?
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Yes I was avoiding his calls. But he calls me to tell me about things he has done with regard to the business, sometimes there is no need to call, it's not that important. I was trying to be 'unavailable' to him as suggested on these boards. But it's a mind game i guess, and I guess he can see right through it. However, HE HAS moved out, why keep phoning me?? Should I answer his every call? I went out last Saturday night with a friend and I missed his calls on my mobile - twice, eventually he called home, the girls told him i was out with a friend, I don't want to create distane just mystery and show him i'm not sitting around moping.

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I know they struggle. xh is kind enough to tell me a lot of it.

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What do they struggle with?

I'm really happy for you and your current stich, whatever makes us happy..

[azhira]

But H did offer to take me out for dinner any time I wanted to go, Why do you think I spooked him, do you mean he got 'cold feet' and thought of it as pressure?

Because you asked him...and happened to catch him at a time he was feeling unsure/scared/whatever. He either needs to settle down before you bring it up again, or you need to accept his invitation, at the time he asks.

But he calls me to tell me about things he has done with regard to the business, sometimes there is no need to call, it's not that important.

Sounds like he was just calling to chat. That's a good thing...you don't call 'just because' if you don't like the person.

Usually, the avoiding calls thing is to generate more interest...and therefore more contact... I'd say, since he's responding less when you answer less, maybe it's time to try answering more?

Oh...and you did fine while you were out with your friends. That's what is supposed to happen. You weren't missing his calls on purpose, or to be retaliatory...you were just out having some fun.

What do they struggle with?

Depends on the person, the situation. I know xh struggles with the loneliness (and knows he created it), the guilt. He worries that the baby has his parents in two different places. What people will think. How he'll pay the bills. Will he be alone, will he get his head on straight. That our R fell apart, and he did it... A lot of his thoughts seem to echo mine, just from the guilt angle.

[Wtraveler]

Live as friends never works. Because you know you are actually specting somthing to change and it seems that on this case he needed to get out on his own and live in real life what he is been probably wanting for a long time; being by himself! But now he has some space and time to think if this is what he wants.
I am on the same situation with my husband wich it is a little different he is gone and he says he doesn't love me like a husband. I am 23 and he is 30 and it has always been complicated between us we come from different cultures and we are so different but I really thought I could make it work. It' been a month since he is gone. he is living with his best friend and I am still trying to figure out what to do.

I hope this helps!