Alone

[MaxP]

We finally had the conversation and the unsaid has been said. My W, who left 3.5 months ago has told me it's over. For good. She has no feelings left for me. I feel so alone. How do you let this grief out?

Max

[dazednconfused]

I am not an expert by any means but I found that the grief is worse when you are bored and alone with nothing to do. Try to stay busy and occupied (that has helped me in any event). All the advice on this forum is easy to read, but much harder to actually implement especially at moments like this. I have had bouts of overwhelming despair myself. Just remeber that this too shall pass. Hang in there.

[MaxP]

Thank you dazednconfused.

[Trixi]

oh max- I am sorry. ((((((((Max))))))))))
Gosh, seems to be going around lately that the WAS are putting the kibosh on the LBS hope. Must be the fall weather or something.

I agree with dazed-stay busy. But don't avoid the grief totally--you need to process it so that it doesn't bubble up later.

Keep coming here and posting--don't be such a stranger anymore.

[shell-shocked]

Max

This is a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs. Consider your conversation with your W as one of the downs. I think where we stand is an average (over time) of the WAS words and actions. I would try not to react to what was said during a single conversation. DB the best you can, wait and start averaging the words and actions.

A month ago my wife said we were done, yet after doing the LRT and moving on with my life she is starting to show interest and is looking for excuses to get together. Now I am on an up but I am not overly excited because I am averaging this up with the downs I've experienced.

DB man .... its all you can do. Good Luck.

[MaxP]

Agent 99 and shell-shocked. Thanks for looking in.

The problem I have at the moment is that I believe her. I really do see no way of coming back from here. It feels like the end. She has been very consistent in what she says and has shown no signs of wanting me or our R since the original bomb and that was 6 months ago. She has remained totally in control. I have seen no signs of her wavering.

What has been so unsatisfying is the difference in what we feel. I still love her and do not understand what has happened. She says she has explained it again (and again) and will not go over the same ground. It's nothing I did or we did. She changed and no longer feels right about us or feels what she should feel / used to feel for me. For her it is that simple. For me it is exceptionally hard to accept that love can die, after lasting so long - but that is what I have to do.

This year has been the weirdest and hardest of my life. It's as if all the events due for the past 15 years have been stored up and sent to hit me in a six month period. It seems like every week another thing happens to shake my world. Any one of these events in the previous years would have been significant, but they just keep coming. It feels relentless and very hard to deal with. I really miss the support of a loving partner.

So I am left not knowing what to do. Not knowing even where to start to assess what I want from life. I find myself in a place where suddenly nearly all my ties to my old world are gone. It really feels like I have to start from the beginning again and I find that thought very frightening. I think that's because I feel like I don't have the energy right now to do that. I want to curl up and let everything wash over me.

Finally, I'm really scared that I will never get over the thought that I love my wife and that she doesn't love me. I don't want that feeling to follow me for the rest of my life like an itch that will never go. I don't want to feel unhappy or feel unsatisfied with my life because this has happened. Why has love worked for so many, but not for me? She is all that I want, but the only thing I cannot have. I guess that is the root of the problem. I can only hope for time to wield it's magic.

So we're back to the thoughts of feeling really lonely. Alone. I cannot have what I really want and have to let it go. I have to look for hope somewhere else. I hope I find it soon.

[MaxP]

I guess what I want someone to say right now is that it will be alright. That these things will stop soon and life will start to get better again. I need someone to care about me and recognise my pain.

[LL44]

Oh Max, my heart breaks for you. I, too, am at a loss with my marriage. I thought everything was fine until I was told it wasn't. Its such a shock, like being hit by a car. It stops me in my tracks some days, and I have to catch my breath.

Your pain is very very raw right now, and you aren't detached from W. When this happens (you'll feel it slowly start), it'll get better.

The lame cliche, what doesn't kills us makes us stronger, rings very true for our cases. It won't physically kill us, and we will go on. The sun will rise, blah blah blah. But its true, and it will be alright. It will get better.

[Trixi]

It will be alright. Life will get better. She's not the only pebble on the beach.

I do recognize your pain. You are cared for.

lwb is right- the sun will rise, etc. You'll get stronger.

Many MANY people here know the pain-- and MANY MANY have gone thru it and come out on the other side better people-creating happy lives for themselves.

Keep posting

[mkultra]

Max, I have to agree with Shell. People say what they feel at that moment. Even when they are calm. I have also said similiar things to my H repeatedly and look wher I am, DBing. I often wonder when the tables will turn and he will begin to DB and I may detach. That is why we cannot believe half of what they say. Sometimes the grief is only temporary. Things brighten up and DBing takes a lot of patience, more than a few weeks unfortunately.

Staying positive is the best thing to do all around. I had to tell myself either way I was better off. Either I will get a better spouse if H comes around or I will get a better life if I got rid of a H who is not good for me. Either way we are all better off after DBing and GAL.